Moving my folks into my house

LadyTexan

My dear mom (DM) has Alzheimer's. My dear dad (DD) is her primary caregiver. They are both in their mid-eighties. We live in the same town, as does my sister and my brother. I assist my DD care for DM, plus a caregiver comes in 3 days a week. Additionally, DM attends a day program 2 days a week.

Three years ago, I had my home remodeled to accommodate my DH with EOAD. Upgrades were implemented for aging in place, such as roll-in shower, no carpeting, bidet toilet, safety bars in the bathroom, etc. DH passed away a year ago.

My home is very well suited for my parent's current situation. I have recommended to my DD that he and my DM move into my house. I will live in a garage conversion or small casita to be constructed on my property.

For anyone that has moved a parent or parents into your home, I welcome your feedback. I want to hear the good, the bad and the ugly please. THANK YOU!

harshedbuzz

Hi LT--

I have a dear friend who moved her widowed mom in with her and it worked very well for their family once they managed to pull it off.

One fly in the ointment for her was finding a place where moving mom in would work. The plan was to sell mom's townhouse and add a first-floor suite for her mom to their existing house. It would have been a poor financial decision in terms of over-improving the house, but they were fine with that. This turned out to be a difficult proposition given the community's building standards for things like easements and the percentage of a lot that needs to be left without a building or other impermeable surface on it. Had they been able to clear that hurdle, they would have had to submit the specs to HOA board for approval. Then there would have been some lag in lining up the construction team and executing the work. YMMV depending on where you live; here there is strong bias against accessory dwellings.

My friend ended up buying a ridiculous huge new-build home customized with a 3 room in-law suite off the foyer which worked well. Three of her new neighbors also bought this upgrade and moved a parent in. She sold the house at a loss not 3 months after her mom passed when her DH took a new position across the country. She was relieved to move out of the place that had so many unhappy memories for her. You probably have a better sense of how you might react given your experience with your DH.

How does your dad feel about this? Would he want to be back in his own home in stage 8? Could you swap houses for a trial to see if it works for them before committing?

HB

Quilting brings calm

As you know, every person with dementia is different. So your mom’s symptoms don’t match your spouse’s. In addition, these are your parents - who probably still try to boss you around. So you will have the issues of your dad trying to exert authority over you in your own home. You may even end up with the majority care for your mom while your dad resumes his life.

There is the fact that you will now have two people to care for with different needs. My parents don’t behave well together so I would be dealing with constant conflict between them.

I hope it goes well for you because you deserve it to.

LadyTexan

Thank you for the valuable feedback friends.

I think the idea of a trial swap is excellent. That way, we can give it a go. If it doesn't work, oh well. Maybe it works in some regards, but not others. Then we can further discuss and make another decision about stop or proceed with adjustments, or carry on.

Some of my mom's Alz symptoms are different than DH's were, plus the entire dynamic is different and my role is different.

• One thing my mom does, that I don't recall so much with DH, is the repetitive questions. I am amazed by the repetitive questions.
• My mom is not aggressive or verbally abusive like DH my DH was.

Yep the scenarios are different. My dad does indeed like to captain the ship, meanwhile, I try to teach him about validation, fiblets, maintaining harmony, etc.

Again, thanks for the great feedback. I welcome any and all input.

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LadyTexan

Thanks Victoria.

There are several conditions that make my house more viable for my parents.

1. Aging in place amenities were incorporated into my house during the 2020 remodel.
2. My house is within the city limits of our town while there's is outside the city limits.
3. My house is conveniently located near the medical facility, my mother's day program, shopping, the gym, and their church. Their house is about 20 minutes out of town.
4. My neighbors are closer and very helpful.
5. My house and yard are more easily maintainable
6. Their house is full of clutter. The move to my house would be a catalyst to downsize their belongings and sell their property.

My dad and I are having useful discussions while considering the options that are beneficial to all.

I feel called to care for them to the best of my ability for as long as is practicable. That is something DH Jesse and I were completely committed to. Living in a casita isn't my life goal. However, being logistically next door to my folks, while maintaining some autonomy is appealing.

harshedbuzz

Does your dad want to give up his home and downsize now or after your mom passes? Or is he likely to pass before she does? Could this living arrangement drag on if your dad's health tanked? Would you be OK with that?

Logistically speaking, who would be in charge of deciding what is clutter and what to keep. I ended up with that task when mom couldn't leave dad for long and am reminded of how badly I chose on occasion. Could you rent his place instead of selling now so he could decide next steps later? I rented mom's FL place for a time before she was ready to sell.

Would there be room to store his stuff at your place? or would they need to rent a storage unit?

LadyTexan

Thank you for the thoughtful insight.

My dad is in agreement that my cottage is well suited for both of my parents and is committed to moving my folks into my place.

In addition to my mom's caregiver, I have enlarged my circle of trust to obtain feedback from my brother and my mother's brother. The feedback has been supportive of the proposed change in living situation.

My uncle has been especially helpful, posing very important questions, playing devil's advocate. The caregiver and my uncle have voiced concerns about me. They believe that I have been through a lot, and this will indeed be a stressor. I agree, it will be a challenge. As I mentioned before, I feel called to do this. I will not put myself into a situation that has the probability to be detrimental to my folks or me. Will it be hard? Yes. I know it will.

Regarding the clutter, I have set some specific limits on a couple of my dad's possessions. I have made gentle recommendations regarding other possessions. On a very positive note - I am embracing downsizing my belongings. Its especially convenient that I volunteer at a thrift store. Rehoming my belongings is liberating.

We have not presented the idea to my mom yet. I don't want to get her to riled up.

I am moving forward with this idea and I will keep you posted. In the meantime, keep the feedback coming. Your insight is so important to me!! I am grateful for you all.

aeliasz

I remodeled my house to accommodate my mother with late stage AD. The first night was rough. The usual “ take me home” and “ I’m not staying here”. That only lasted the first night though thank goodness. It’s real important to make them their own sitting room with all their familiar furniture , TV, etc. You won’t want to be in the same room with them all the time. You need your space!!

LadyTexan

Great point about them having their familiar furniture. It is important that they feel safe and at home.

LadyTexan

Greetings friends.

In September 2023, my mom fell and broke her hip. I advocated for moving both my parents into my home upon my mom's discharge from the rehab hospital. The plan was to continue to pursue the garage conversion. I would move into my parent's house until the garage conversion was complete.

The caregiver was on vacay the week my mom was discharged, so I agreed to stay with my parents in my house until the caregiver returned from vacay. During that week I had insight into my father's abilities to care for my mom. I concluded that I definitely need to be on the property to oversee their collective care.

The plan for converting the garage into a Casita did not pan out, for a multiplicity of reasons: cost, complex zoning regulations specific to my two lots in my district and challenges finding a contractor that I could afford and trust.

As of 3 weeks ago, the three of us are currently living in my 3 bedroom, 2 bath house and it is working out reasonably well. The transition is challenging for each of us in different ways. There are definitely more positives than negatives so far. I'll keep you posted on the good, the bad and the ugly. And I suspect there will be VENTING in my future.

Blessings to you all.

Quilting brings calm

LT- we are glad to hear from you. Hopefully your mom is physically recovering ok and hasn’t declined cognitively as a result of everything. Please remember to take time for yourself. I can’t imagine going through being a caregiver twice in a lifetime. I’m glad to see that you have help this time

M1

Also glad to hear from you LT and hope she recovers well.....

SusanB-dil

Hi LadyT - agree, good to hear from you. Sorry the garage didn't work out, but good that over-all, things seem to be in a fairly good place for you.

harshedbuzz

Always lovely to hear from you @LadyTexan

I am sorry for this development with your mom and that you weren't able to make the casita a reality.

HB