Helpless & Angry about husband's loss

Hope65

Hi folks,

Im just in the beginning of this challenging journey, so please indulge me as i come to you for help. Im vey overwhelmed, so hope this makes sense to you. My 86 yo mom, the most important person in the world to me, has mild - mod dementia and is currently in a rehab place following a hospitalization. That's is painful enough in itself. We are waiting to transition to AL/MC c home is not safe. Also beyond sad. She has recently started to express deep tearful sadness about the loss of her husband of 62 years (my dad) who died last year. I haven't had a chance to grieve bc her decline has taken over. Always a mom, She feels angry & helpless about the impact on me (POA/HCP & other details too complicated to explain) . So do I. Last night, her aide told me she tried to pack her clothes, so she could come help me deal with all the challenges. (She can't.). She atypically didn't fall asleep until 6am. She's trying to help her (adult) child and has no idea why people keep telling her she cant. (Anagnosia).

My heart is broken seeing her feel so helpless & angry bc i feel that way, too. She hurts. I hurt. I don't know how to comfort & soothe her bc I often can't help the tears that flow from me, too. I know that my mood impacts hers and feel inconsolably guilty when this happens. Im in therapy to help mitigate some of the grief, but bc there's so much happening, it's painfully slow & like a drop in the ocean. She sees the staff psychologist. There sre no family & friends around, literally.

When this happens (a lot), what can I say/do? I'm at a loss to address and soothe her feelings of helplessness &:anger. The staff & aides are not helpful at all. Validation helps somewhat, but not all he time. Part of her is still very much connected to reality, and part isnt ( s/t memory, problem solving, word finding, judgement), which makes fibbing & distraction so hard. How do I contain my emotions when I see her like this? Distraction is not working.

I'm a mess. She's a mess. I feel helpless to help her. She's aware enough to feel helpless, too. I feel so alone & like Ive already failed. I don't know how to manage this overload. And im just at the beginning. Help!😢

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Hope65

Thanks, Victoria2020 -- Your point about the possibility of lingering feelings after the psychologist is well taken. Mom has said that she feels calmer when he leaves and finds him calming to talk with. That said, I'll be more attentive to what you suggested.

Tonight, mom angrily and loudly said, "i don't want to be your mother anymore". (Long story about prompting event.) I understand where it came from, and still it was deeply painful bc we've always been best friends. Admittedly, it wasn't my best moment. I hope i learn how to respond and cope better with things like this bc we're only at the beginning, and the pain was indescribably deep.

Can you offer some examples of how you might have responded?

I hope more folks join this thread bc im going to need (and will welcome) the support and guidance.

Thanks again.

M1

Hope, how often are you visiting your mom? Perhaps too frequently if it's upsetting both of you? After 28 years of togetherness i had to go over a year with very infrequent visits with my beloved partner, and never alone, because i was a trigger for her to become upset and demand to leave the facility. That has changed somewhat now as she has progressed and as we moved to a different facility, but she still doesn't understand why she can't just be with me. As hard as it is, you may need to back off and give yourself some space.