Memory care transition and selling the house

machelriller

Hi everyone. I’m new to this forum and I am finding it so so helpful.

My dad was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in 2021 and it has gotten progressively worse. His new diagnosis is VD. He is 76 and in very good physical health.

My mom passed in 2020 after an extended health struggle, and my brother moved in and became the caregiver for her and my dad. I live a few hours away and manage the finances/doctors appointments/admin and visit frequently. I am 35 and my brother is 32, so our friends and peers are not experiencing the same things as us.

My brother is beyond burnout and we are moving my dad closer to me for memory care. I feel really confident that this is the right choice and my dad will be happier there. I feel like we will be able to be a family and not just caregivers putting out one fire after the next.

But I am struggling with the communication. The MC staff has advised us not to speak with my dad directly about the move, but tell him it’s a temporary stay, the house is being fumigated, or he’s visiting me and staying at a hotel. All of the books and articles I’ve read have also given this advice. But it feels wrong. We got some pushback from one of my dads friends who thinks we’re playing a “dirty trick” on him and it’s sending me into a tailspin.

I also want to bring some of my dads furniture in but I don’t know how if we are telling him it’s temporary. Originally I was going to buy new furniture for the room and bring decorations, bed linens, etc from home. But we will need to sell the house after he moves and I’m having a hard time seeing this house with 38 years of memories and stuff get boiled down to a studio apartment with IKEA furniture.

How have others handled this? I would be so grateful for any personal stories or advice.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so sorry you are going through this. This forum has been an enormous support to me. I know just how you feel about Memory Care, using “fiblets,” and how wrong that feels. I felt the same way. But based on all the advice that is exactly what I did and I am SO GLAD.

My mom was in Assisted Living and had to move to memory care. She was hospitalized at the time, so I just said I found another facility where she would be while she’s being assessed for a medical issue and they are dealing with a water issue in her apt.

It worked and made the transition so much smoother.

In my case, I brought as many of her personal items/furniture as I could to help her feel at home. That worked well. Especially books and paintings she loves.

I know others will have advice. Your dad is lucky to have you.

sarah61163

Been there with my MIL. She had advancing dementia and lived alone. A bit stubborn about giving up her car keys. Also hated the home health assistant. Then had a broken hip which changed things as far as getting her into AL/MC. Told her it was part of her recovery. Brought some of her things to decorate her new room in order for it to feel homey. We also sold her house without telling her because it would upset her. Husband had Power of attorney. Received grief from relatives. Within the year she was settled into her new place with friends and never asked about the house. We did the right thing even though we had guilt and doubts at the time. Remember they are lucky to have someone looking out for their best interests.

harshedbuzz

Is your dad's friend my Uncle Bob?

Don't doubt yourself or the experienced and trained staff who have ushered families through this painful process countless times. This is one of those situations where kindness is better that brutal honesty.

I told dad he was going to a fancy private rehab to get stronger. I did not have the heart to take away his hope that he could get better. To that end, we used the furniture they provided and decorated using new linens and photographs I'd taken years ago of his favorite golf course. Over time, as he settled in, we brought in a few personal photographs-- his favorite 8 x 10" of my mom, a 24 x 36" of my late sister (his favorite) and myself, some stuff from his den.

Some of the residents did have all manner of stuff in their suites. One lady had a massive breakfront filled with Hummels. Just remember that anything you bring in will need to be taken out. Our approach was so minimal that I was able to donate his unused incontinent supplies, some of his clothes for their "back-up closet" and the framed golf course shots for the living area where the TV was always tuned to sports. I was able to walk out with a couple small boxes.

On the drive home I passed the MCF that refused to accept dad. There was a couple moving stuff out-- they had a U-Haul for a queen-sized bed, display cabinets, dressers, linens, a couple of chairs, and random boxes of stuff. I would not have wanted to tackle that at the time I was trying to be there for my newly widowed mom. My one aunt felt strongly about putting some of her sister's nicest things in her suite. There was a Stickley chest my aunt had bought as a treat for herself. It had been part of a display and my aunt got a good price but she still chose to put it on a kind of lay-away plan so that it would be there almost 2 years until she was ready to retire and move to Maine. When she'd take me out to lunch, we often stopped by to visit her chest and make a payment. The staff at the MCF trashed it-- within months the finish was marred and there were dings and chips on the sides. I dearly wish one of us who knew the backstory had taken and enjoyed it instead.

HB

Emily 123

Hey there!

I'm with everyone else. The only opinion I'd be listening to would be your brother's. You're right on track with telling your dad something that sounds reasonable. It's still hard for me to fib to my mom, but I do, because the truth confuses her. She doesn't need to deal with anything that upsets her. Take a big breath, exhale, and let the guilt go.

Everything will seem new to him each day for a while, so it'll be reassuring for him to have items that are familiar, and they may help cue him.

The limitations of dementia can mean that too many choices can make it difficult for your person, so keep it simple. I took way too many clothes for my mom and she only picks things from the top of the drawer or what's right in front of her. Anything new that we've bought her doesn't really get identified as hers--it's as if she doesn't even see them. Fortunately Mom's a stalwart L.L. Bean & Land's End gal, so it's easy to replace things with similar items. Facility laundry soap is strong stuff, plus things will get lost, so if you have lots of clothes, hold some back as replacements. If you can store some clothes, then just take season-appropriate stuff and switch things out. ( Amazon has clothing tags by Avery that are washable--label it all, including sheets, etc.)

machelriller

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm still struggling with communicating with my dad, but I think we're doing the right thing. I just need to help our friends and family understand. So many people want to treat my dad like a normal person who is aging or facing an illness, and they don't get it that he can't understand that he has dementia.

resefaison

Yes to so many people want to treat dad like a normal person aging...

Dementia requires a big learning curve, at least it has for me and being I am caring for my dad at home all the old wounds of childhood came up, learning to deal with outburst, anger, and meanness, and reading articles that say, Oh don't take it personally, he isn't in his right mind he doesn't know what he is saying. It is difficult to not personalize when it stings. I am finding that a support group is going to be essential as my friends cannot bear the brunt of my venting, nor can any of them begin to understand what they have not experienced. On a positive note: I choose to see the blessings in what could be perceived as burdens, I know there is something precious and sacred in this journey for myself and my family. I also am grateful for comments and reading others situations - helps me not feel alone.

ESkayP

Once we had chosen the AL facility, my sister and I tortured ourselves deciding what would be best to move from Mom's house to the new apartment. We took her favorite chair and ottoman. We bought a smaller couch and put a new shelving unit together as a TV stand. We planned everything down to the last detail, even where to put her wall hangings and what would go in the drawers in the kitchenette. We got a nightstand for her lamp that included a plug-in unit to charge her phone. We paid a special delivery so she could have her four-poster bed. When it was finished it was truly adorable. It was cozy and classic. It was Mom. Well, as it turns out it was a former version of her. She begged me every day to come get her and take her home. After a couple weeks, I realized she had forgotten her other house, but she still wanted to "go home" which I read is more a state of mind than a geographical location. It took about a month for Mom to get settled. She started making friends at dinner and sometimes going to exercise class, but something just didn't seem right. The staff told me she was having trouble finding the bathroom at night. She wasn't leaving her room during the day. She kept calling me, worried that she had no groceries. It was first one thing and then another until about a week ago, Mom "escaped" in the middle of the night and left the building. They found her wandering around the grounds before she got too far away. Now they are insisting they put Mom in the MC wing. There is no level of care that will cover night time security. I have to move what I can from her cute apartment to basically a dorm room. I have to be honest that I'm feeling selfishly bitter about it. I doubt Mom ever truly appreciated her apartment as much as I did. The staff told her that the A/C in her apartment had to be repaird, and that it would take a few days. She accepted that, but she's back to asking me when she gets to go home. She doesn't mean her apartment or her house. She doesn't remember either of them. She only knows she feels unsettled. This whole situation seems so cruel. I'm sad and angry and tired. I don't want to fib to her anymore, but she can't understand what's happening. I had hope the first time we moved her. Now I don't know what to expect or how long it will take for her to ever be at peace.

housefinch

You might just save your energy for managing the move, the house sale, etc, and your immediate family. I would try setting a kind and firm boundary with friends who give pushback. “Thanks for your input, I’ll keep that in mind. How about the Mets this year!” Truly, you don’t have extra energy to expend in this stressful a situation to manage their discomfort over your decision. When their beloved relative gets dementia someday, suddenly they will get it. Or maybe they won’t, and you will have a fuller bucket in the meantime. Best wishes to you.

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hmmgreschner

I am almost 34 and just moved my mom to memory care (you posted on my post!). Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the sandwich generation. All of my friends talk about their parents babysitting their kids, etc. and my only parent that is left is in memory care. It can feel very lonely, but I am so thankful to have found this community because we are not alone. 💜