Mom hiding diagnosis

keeks

Hello everyone. I'm new and I have a tricky situation. My grandma had Alzheimer's, so I know the signs. My Mom is 74 and has been having symptoms for 2 yrs. Repeating questions, forgetting things, not remembering places we've been, pets, etc. She gets super angry out of nowhere and she sleeps all day long. She has always been very hateful toward my Dad and it's just getting worse. She has been to see a neurologist but we don't know if there was a diagnosis or what the Dr said. She won't let anyone go to any of her Dr. Appts and we don't know what is going on. She gets prescriptions and Dad finds them in the trash. She blames all of her ALZ/Dementia symptoms on the Covid vaccine. She's still driving (though she shouldn't be). She's used to being very controlling and kind of the Alpha in the family, so none of us know what to do. We've asked her to record her Dr. Appts since she won't let any of us attend. She keeps saying everything is fine but we are all aware of what is going on. Her sisters are also worried. We need help! I'd appreciate any advice or guidance. I'm at a loss. My Aunt suggested an intervention.

towhee

https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/

Hi Keeks, welcome to the forum. I am listing some resources for you, hope the links work. Before you check them out though, I would like to respond to your post. If your mom has dementia, she is in the early stages and you have time. So breathe, gather information and plan. Please do not do an intervention, there is a good chance it will backfire. It might be a good idea to back off the subject with your mom for a while. I understand you are frustrated because you do not know, but honestly, knowing or not knowing does not really affect what you need to do.

First, diagnosis- there are a lot of things that can mimic dementia- depression, thyroid, vitamin deficiency, etc. So you want to make sure the primary care physician has checked these out. If he referred her to a neurologist, he probably did.

So lets talk about HIPPA and how you give and receive info from the doctor. First thing to know is that you can communicate to the doctor anything you wish. Often the diagnosis process starts with a family member sending a letter to the doctor expressing their concerns, totally without the knowledge of the patient. For the doctor to communicate back, they do need some type of permission from the patient. Yes, attending an appt. with your mom would count, but there are other ways. The most common is that usually on the appt intake form, there is a space for emergency contact, or the name of someone the doctor can talk to if the patient is unavailable. The doctor might not tell you that this is there or not there, but I suggest that you write to the PCP and express your concerns, be specific, especially about the prescriptions, accurate, (make sure your dad is an accurate reporter) short, and clear about what is going on, and ask that the doctor reach out to the contact person listed in your moms' records, and if there is no one, could he please bring that up with her at her next appt.

Also, does your dad remember the name of the medications? You can look them up on drugs.com and find out for what they were prescribed. The next is unethical, if her doctor has a patient portal and you set it up for your mom you might find out that way.

After you take the temperature down with your mom, and hopefully hear from the doctor, you can try again with your mom. But a head on approach is unlikely to work, please check out the links. "How to convince someone with dementia they need help" is very important.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help - YouTube

harshedbuzz

@keeks

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Your dad is in a precarious situation and needs to take some proactive steps immediately take over the decision making for his household. FWIW, my dad was an "alpha" as your refer to it. I would say bully. The combination of a loss of empathy, social filter, reasoning and judgment intersecting with a challenging personality is not easy for family. You have my sympathy.

Even if your dad were to get access to mom's medical record, what would/could he do with that information? Your mom likely has anosognosia and will not magically defer to dad's wishes as she will be unable to understand why she should.

His first trip should be to get the legal affairs in order. Ideally that would be him as her POA for medical and financial things with you as his back up and you as his POA (mom's too impaired for this responsibility) today. Since she's unlikely to play along, he may need to file for emergency guardianship with would allow him to take the necessary steps to get her seen by a specialist and end her driving. If she does have a diagnosis of some dementia in her medical, her car insurance is likely voided and will not pay out in the event of an accident. This puts her at risk of being sued and your family losing everything.

Taking these steps will likely cause some significant agitation to aggression on her part. If it escalates to a level where she is a threat to herself or others, she may need to be transported to an ER and admitted to a geri-psych unit for medication management. From there a decision to allow her home or move her directly into a LTC facility can be made.

When mom and I were dealing with my dad who was aggressive, paranoid and threatening, we generally found that it was better to work behind his back to get things done. I also found he had zero respect for my mother but that my being more assertive and openly "in charge" calmed him down by the middle stages of the disease. It was almost like my calling the shots was a relief at some point.

HB

keeks

Wow. Thank you both so much for this advice. It is so helpful. You have no idea. I’m going to talk to my Dad and get a plan together.