Newly Diagnosed Mom

JoanTate

Hello,

My mother was recently diagnosed with moderate dementia. It seems to have accelerated once she moved into AL, which was her decision. She is well cared for however is requesting that my brother and I call her multiple times a day. Any tips for setting reasonable boundaries while at the same time helping her as much as possible?

Thanks for your help.

SusanB-dil

Hi JoanTate - welcome to 'here'.

Some may have better suggestions, but I know that some folks block calls until they can properly respond. Would mom remember if you only call her maybe once a day?

JoanTate

Susan,

Thanks for your suggestion. I do try to call her once a day and if I don’t get ahold of her leave a message. My brother also calls her in the evening. I just got off the phone with her and she was frantic. If she doesn’t get in touch with us, she leaves voicemails that are in turn pleading/crying and demanding. She knows that something is happening to her which frightens her, but doesn’t know what to do about it.

ESkayP

My mother's voicemails were excrutiating to listen to when she first moved to AL about 60 days ago. Now that she's been in MC about three weeks, she still calls sometimes wanting me to pick her up or tell dead family members (her parents, my father) where she is. I say I will and not to worry. Sometimes I don't answer at all. With her memory issues, it's surprising to me how persistent she can be. I feel like she is still in a transition phase, so I'm still trying to cope with it. All I can tell you is that after two months, I've learned that there is only a limited amount of comforting I can give her. A gentle fib that works once may not work the next time. Just when I think she's beginning to stabilize (not get better, just hold her ground) something else goes wrong. I guess it's just par for the course. I think I've got to find a way to feel stable in my own self, in a way that isn't based on her well-being because I really don't have any idea what that means anymore. I know I'm not being very helpful, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone in wondering where the boundaries are.

Anonymousjpl123

My mom called 10 times a day. It was awful. I already felt a little guilty about moving her to AL, so I took more calls than I should have.

Since she’s been in memory care, she complains more about where she is but also socializes, engages, and participate in life more. Before she moved to AL that’s exactly what the calls felt like: she knew something was happening but didn’t know what, and was panicking. It killed me that i couldn’t help her. She may settle in; but I can promise that you taking 1, and not all, of her calls won’t hurt. Encourage her to join meals, watch tv, listen to music, anything to take her mind off things. It will settle down.