Setting Boundaries on Home Maintenance

Alan1978

Mom was diagnosed with dementia several months ago, and is in the moderate stages. Her siblings, her doctor and I have all talked with her about AL, but she is digging her heels in and refusing to move.

She lives in a big house by herself that requires significant maintenance. Several weeks ago, her TV broke and she was in hysterics. I have set a boundary with her that I will not be helping with her home maintenance (since I am doing plenty already and am busy with two young kids). Now her furnace is out. It's not an immediate safety issue, since it is not cold enough yet. I am trying to stay firm on my boundaries and not intervene and am trying to use this as a teachable moment that it is time to downsize. Obviously I will not let it progress into a safety issue, but I am holding off on intervening for the time being.

I help with appointments, groceries, etc., but 1.) I don't want to enable her to stay in her home when there are clear safety issues, and 2.) I do not feel like the burden of her home maintenance should be mine, and that is a boundary I need to set to keep myself and my family healthy. We are looking into in-home care for her, but I know that will not fully fix the safety or home maintenance issues.

Anyone else on here run into this issue? If so, any tips for staying firm on boundaries?

eaglemom

Welcome to the message board Alan1978. No one wants to be on the message boards, but you will find lots of good helpful information here.

I am wondering if you've done much research in dementia? I don't want to upset nor offend you, but a 'teachable moment' and 'boundaries' are simply NOT going to happen with a person with dementia. You mom's brain doesn't work that way anymore. Its painful to type and painful for you to read, I'm sure. I have been on this dementia journey with my DH for 12 years, and I'm going to share with you the very best advice I've ever been given. Once you adopt this advice you will be a more understanding caregiver for your mom. The advice: you have to meet them in their world, they aren't capable of understanding your world.

I realize you 'set a boundary' with her - that means nothing to her. All she knows is her furnace isn't working, period or the television isn't working, period. Just thinking off the top of my head - since you don't have time to do the maintenance on her home hire it done. She apparently calls you to do things, you in turn call a maintenance person to fix whatever needs fixing. Of course I'd properly vet the person prior to using them, make sure they understand the issues at hand, so to speak. That way all you do is make a call. That might not be ideal, I don't know. What I do know is sadly your mom doesn't understand nor remember the boundaries you made with her.

Again, I feel like I'm being ugly and that certainly isn't what I mean. You need to understand your mom can't understand what your asking of her - boundaries and teachable moments are only going to upset you. If you could find a caregiver support group that might prove to be valuable to you in helping deal with your mom.

eagle

housefinch

Please forgive my frankness here. I would get legal advice from an elder care lawyer and start planning for your mom’s care. She shouldn’t live alone anymore from your description above. I’m sorry to be the messenger for that information. I am pretty sure she couldn’t recognize or respond appropriately to an emergency. Unless she has the $100,000+ per year for 24/7 in home care, I would start planning to sell her house and find her a safe memory care facility. She sounds past the point of most assisted living facilities. Best wishes and I’m really sorry you’re facing this very sad & difficult situation. Please don’t delay, because you could face a real crisis soon.

M1

Welcome to the forum Alan. I have to agree with the other posters. Your mom has brain damage, and you cannot reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.

I am wondering if you have siblings who can help deal with your mom or if you are facing this alone. Her siblings may be able to help some, but the majority is going to fall to you. You need to meet with a certified elder law attorney to set up financial and healthcare powers of attorney for her so that someone responsible can make decisions on her behalf. And yes, she probably should not be living alone, as you've already recognized. If she can't call a repairman, she may also not be able to pay her bills, and she is susceptible to scammers.

Hard as it is, you need to make the decision to change her living situation without consulting her or expecting her to agree. In fact you can use the need for home maintenance as a convenient excuse-white lies or fiblets are very necessary. Tell her the house is going to need extensive repairs and you have found a great place for her to stay temporarily. The timeline can then keep getting extended. You may in fact have to sell it without ever telling her.

Emily 123

H Alan,

This was a great start for me, and Teepa Snow's Youtube videos are excellent:

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

Here are some other links...

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65993/excellent-handout-packet-dementia-stages-cgs-actively-dying-tam-cummings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66314/anosognosia-how-to-help-when-they-dont-know-theyre-ill

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65171/books-about-alzheimers-disease

psg712

Alan, one of the many hard things about this situation is coming to grips with your mom's loss of ability to think logically and make rational decisions. You now have to think for her and make those decisions on her behalf.

Do you have power of attorney for her? If so, you can move forward with a search for the best placement for her. Only tell her about it when it is a done deal. Expect her to pitch a fit, but stand strong and say you are doing what is needed to keep her safe, reduce her worry about the house, etc. Then pack what she needs and move her in.

I know that this sounds heartless, so cut and dried, but you are correct that it is a safety issue. Once I moved my mom (400+miles!), it was so evident to me that she had needed this for a long time. She was angry initially but settled in a lot faster than I expected. I hope that your mom will feel more secure after she adjusts too.

eaglemom

I do wish Alan would check back in here. Thanks everyone for the good suggestions / idea's you've shared.

eagle

Alan1978

Thanks everyone for these tips. These are very helpful. I agree that we need to get the wheels in motion. I was hoping she could be more a part of the decision, but the decision-making ability and the safety risk is becoming too great. I wish there was an easier way, but sadly I know there is not.