Trouble helping my mother

michelle512

My mom has been diagnosed with dementia for quite some time. She can't communicate with us properly, she can't do anything by herself yet we can't help her with everything since she isn't communicating back to us when we ask her. It's even the basic things like food, she can't give me or any of us an answer that we can work with. I tried to be patient at the start, but in the end, I just break down. It's so hard. Anyone have a similar exp?

dancsfo

@michelle512 You must be having a hard time.

With regards to food, you may just have to make an assumption of what she wants, prepare that, and just hope that she likes it.

As the ability to taste degrades, I find that a PWD may say that food is either too bland, or seasoned too strongly. So when I prepare food, I season it lightly, and hope that she can choose whatever condiments that she finds preferable. Of course, this is difficult if there are dietary restrictions, such as a low-sodium diet, so you sometimes have to work with substitutes.

I presume your issues are broader, such as whether it's too hot or cold, or other basic things too.

psg712

Yes. Communication is one of my biggest frustrations with my mom. Losing her words was an early sign of her dementia, and an easy one to blame on the aging process ... until there were other signs to prove that it wasn't normal aging.

It isn't just word-finding trouble for her, it is the actual thought process that is impaired. Two years ago I could convince myself that she knew what she wanted but just couldn't express it verbally. Now it is evident that she truly cannot understand a basic question, she cannot decide between two choices at a meal, she can't follow a two-step command like "pick up your foot and put it on the footrest" of her transport chair. She can't identify the tube of toothpaste when asked to put toothpaste on her brush, even when the tube is right next to her hand on the sink. She tries to follow these simple directions, but she just can't.

At times when I am losing patience, I sometimes just have to excuse myself with a "be back in a minute" and give myself a brief timeout. I know she can sense my frustration and it upsets her because again, she cannot understand what is wrong. I am starting to realize that it isn't just the inconvenience or the time it takes to do things with her that bothers me. It's that I just want her to be HER again. The intelligent, capable, stubborn woman who would stay up all night to help me with a school project or listen to my romantic woes. She no longer has the capacity for any of that. It's like caring for a small child, except that a child is learning and developing, and she is losing skills and regressing in behavior. But there is still love between us, and that will have to be enough.

michelle512

It affects me sometimes and I feel guilty when I just can't get my idea across to her. I agree @psg712 that its easy to get frustrated, but yes, as long as there is still love, everything is just a bit easier.

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