Caregiving mixed with trauma from parents’ marriage

azulpalido

My parents have been unhappily married for four decades. Essentially, they hate each other, which I view as a foundational trauma of my life—that they remain married I mean. My mother has what seems to be stage 6 dementia and right now, by necessity, my father is the primary caretaker. He’s worked hard at being patient and caring but my mom still doesn’t trust him much of the time (he is a gruff and impatient man by nature). This often manifests in her angrily saying over and over that’s she’s going to leave. I’m visiting for a week and last night she told him, I think, that she wants a divorce. It was horribly upsetting to me. I’m requesting advice for how to cope emotionally as well as what to say to my mom when she tells me over and over “I have to leave. I’m going to leave.” Unfortunately we’re not in a situation where she can live with me or my sister and we’re not yet sufficiently connected with resources where she can go to a nursing home or something like this or always succeed with our fibs. 🥹 Thank you in advance!

azulpalido

I’ve been as patient and reassuring as possible but I’m emotionally exhausted. 😐

Quilting brings calm

Azul- my parents are roughly the same, 59 years married, most of them unhappy. My mom( the one with dementia) started treating me as if I was her close confidant and wanted to complain about him all the time, asking my advice. I finally told her that I could not be her marriage counselor, that they had been this way all their marriage AND that neither of them could afford to live on their own.

It’s a little different for them because they live in assisted living. Staff is always there and can monitor their disagreements from the front desk since their current apartment is the first one in that hall. We did have to move them from a one bedroom to a two bedroom a few months after they moved in. More expensive, but it gave them each a bedroom. Mom has the bigger one and has a recliner in it so she can sit and watch TV. Since a) he watches the sane series over and over in the living room and b) does so at a high volume.

The staff and I encourage both of them to go to the activities each enjoys while the other one doesn’t have to.

She take anxiety and antidepressant medication and that has helped her.

In your case, your mom is even more incapable of taking care of herself than mine is. Just make sure she doesn’t actually have the opportunity to leave. so what if she vents and says she wants a divorce: Telling you she wants a divorce has no meaning if she can’t contact a lawyer or pack a bag and walk out the door. You really can just ignore the comment and ask her how the weather was today or what show is coming onto the TV.

azulpalido

It means a lot that you took the time to share. Thank you so much for all this helpful advice, especially that I can maybe just ignore the comment. I don’t think my mom will understand me setting a boundary at this point 😕 but my dad should, and my nervous system will benefit from setting it after years of him complaining about my mom to me, including now during her illness when she literally can’t help it. Just venting but I also wish my parents had managed their money better (my mom was continually having to clean up financial messes my dad created) because now we’re in a position where we can’t afford the memory care my mom really needs. This is so hard. Thanks again. 🙏

housefinch

I agree that your mom won’t likely understand boundaries. And your dad may not respond well to them if you haven’t set them before. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying to set them, though. I have a different situation but a stressful dynamic and have had to get therapy to decrease my stress & allow me to learn some calming techniques. My elderly parent (caregiver for PWD—does not have dementia) will not change, and behaves in triggering ways with PWD. It’s very difficult. Hang in there, and don’t wring yourself dry.

BPS

I don't know if my situation applies but my wife is at I think stage 6 and we have had our share of marriage issues she had a long term affair that I thought was over but after her diagnoses of Alzheimer's I found out that it had not ended I decided to stay with her because she would need help. Now she is accusing me of having an affair and said she wanted to leave me. She had nowhere to go but headed to the bedroom to pack her stuff and "head down the road". By time she got there and started looking for a suitcase she forgot what she was going to do. It is hard being the only caretaker when the marriage already had problems. Your mom may be just venting because she may know there is nowhere to go and your dad may be a hard guy but if he is doing the care taking give him credit, it is hard. If your mom wants to come live with you you need to tell her that you can't do that right now, but you will try and work it out. You can probably tell her that for a long time until it is forgotten. I have no room to give any advise but your situation reminded me of my own but from your parents perspective.