Struggling with a solution

sploosh

Hello everyone! My name is Michael. I live in South Carolina about 4 hours away from my parents. My mother has dementia and her cognitive decline has been rapid over the past few months. My father has health problems and hearing issues, but is able to take care of himself. However, my mother requires a lot of monitoring. She is frail and just recently been in a car accident (father ran into the back of a car) where she broke her collarbone. My sister and I have been traveling back and forth to care for both of them. My dad is in a state of constant frustration and exhaustion. He does not have the faculties to care for my mother and the cost of a full-time caregiver is too much. He is ADAMANT that she stays at his house, but he cannot afford the resources needed to accomplish this. He is extremely needy with appointments/medicine/daily tasks etc... and is causing everyone stress and anxiety. Both my sister and I have children in school and work full time jobs. We cannot keep dropping everything to take care of both of them. I guess my question is... how did you all find resources to help? I am willing to move them closer to me and mom into memory care or assisted living, but I don't even know where to start. We are currently paying out of pocket for a caregiver to come 3 days a week to their house. My mom is going to get seriously injured or my dad is going to have a breakdown/heart attack if she doesn't have constant monitoring... yet he is still advocating for her to stay at his house.

Jeanne C.

Have you or they seen a certified elder law attorney? In addition to making sure all their documents are In order (like medical POA) they will be experts in your state's longterm care benefits. It may be that you can get help for your folks that way. Every state has different requirements, but I was able to get great benefits for my husband while retaining my assets for when I retire. Also try reaching out to their local council on aging. All the best to you and your family.

JeriLynn66

The ALZ Hotline on this site has Care Consultants that can help you with a plan in addition to contacting a Certified Elder Law Attorney: resources can be found at NELF.org

jfkoc

The first thing I would do is to seek out care near you. The reality is that there may not be a place you thik is right for your mother.

GemsWinner12

Perhaps it’s time to put your foot down with dad? I know it’s a tough one and will take lots of tough love and honesty with your dad. In some ways, you’re enabling their dysfunctional existence “ in the home” which is obviously a joke since they’re not managing well at all, even with help.

Just six months ago, I told off my own dad and hung up on him. Long story short, he was refusing to give me POA, but expecting me to drop my life for him and his messes. Everything is better now, he signed me as his POA and cleaner-upper…but it hasn’t been easy. The state was pushing me to be his guardian and I said NO. You guys can take him to court because I’m not going to take my own dad to court. Please think of yourself and your own life, career, and safety.

jfkoc

We elderly can be difficult to "manage". You can expect heels to be dug in regardless of the reasonablness of a possible solution.

Having a family and job and not living closemakes things more difficult. I would suggest doing a lot of listening and then asking "how can I help".

I also suggest that you and you sister visit routinely on a given day and when you visit bring food for the freezer. If you went every other weekend it would only be two days a month. Perrhaps your children can go with you.

M1

Wondering if you're overestimating your dad's cognitive abilities too. The wreck is a red flag, as is his "neediness" with other tasks. Not that it changes anything, but perhaps thinking of him as impaired also will change the equation? Read about anosognosia, he may insist he's fine when he really isn't. They may both need AL/MC.