New to everything

jenholton220

Hello,

My mom been slowly losing her memory, for the last few year, This last year it has been getting worse and I am not sure where to turn.

My mom is 75, some of her memory problems started 13 years ago when my older sister lost her battle to breast cancer, in the beginning I thought was her way of coping with the grief. I did try to set her up with grief counseling, she would not go. My step dad passed away 16 years ago and my father 26 years ago. My mom and I have not always seen eye to eye.

My mom lives close to me and my family (I've been married 25 years, 2 adult children 1 high schooler). She is still living on her own, I went by my mom's on Friday 12/22, as my mom was insistent on hosting Christmas Eve, she didn't even realize Christmas eve was 2 days away. My daughter and I had taken her out with us Shopping and all the normal prep for the holiday. I wanted to host Christmas Eve which I mentioned back on Thanksgiving, but that turned in to my mom being argumentative and I caved to keep peace. My brother has no intentions of helping with my mom, in fact he is moving another 45 minutes further away from her. Christmas day, I had my mom and my husband's family over. My mom came over with cards full of money (which she cannot afford, as she is on a budget) in them for multiple people, luckily my husband intervein and I have the cash and am going by her bank on lunch.

My mom likes to keep things from me, such as her getting lost, not taking her meds, money issues, numerous times I have been told it's none of my business. She does have an I-phone, which I make her take everywhere with her and I do track her along with my daughter and my sister in law. I have made her doctor appointments, which I write everything down her calendar and when she is having a good memory day, she sabotages my efforts.

I am at a loss at this point and not even sure what steps to take to keep her safe.

I don't know what to do anymore,

M1

Welcome to the forum. Has your mother been formally diagnosed with dementia? If not you need to take her for careful medical evaluation to rule out treatable problems. Don’t trust her to do it herself, she may have anosognosia and not be able to recognize that she’s in trouble. Second, if you don’t already have it, you need to get power of attorney for your mom for finances and healthcare. Seek the advice of a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org). You need to do this while she is still competent to sign. It may help convince her if you tell her that you are updating your own papers and it’s time to do hers too. Third, it sounds like the day is fast approaching where she probably shouldn’t be living alone and needs more supervision. But you need the power of attorney first. Those are the steps now.

Anonymousjpl123

When my dad passed away 2 years ago I became caregiver for my mom who I did not see eye to eye with. My siblings want nothing to do with her. They key, for me, was when I realized she really couldn’t handle things, to start doing my own research. I had to go delicately and gently with her, which I did, but I did take each step, a little at a time.

• Appointment with a neurologist (said it was to rule out anything)
• Power of attorney (said I was just trying to get my own life in order, taxes, will, etc).
• Beginning to look at facilities and options for home care

i didn’t do it all at once, and much of it she wasn’t involved in. With someone who, as you say of your mom, is secretive and perhaps prideful, it may take a precipitating event for her to accept help. My strategy was to get things in order for when that happened, which it did. None of it was easy. Actually, it was kind of a nightmare. But she is now safe, diagnosed, in the best place she could possibly be (10 minutes from me), and we spent a nice Christmas together. Your goal is her safety and well being. It’s great you’re getting things in place now. I’m sorry you have to go the out this, but there are a lot of resources out there, and you’ll find great support here.