New member, Mom has dementia, this is overwhelming

creid9995

Hi, I'm new here. My mom was diagnosed with Dementia in October. We had to move her into a memory care facility. I've finally stopped crying every day, but this is so overwhelming. My mom was a computer engineer and had a brilliant mind, and now she can't even string together a coherent sentence. It's so hard to see this happen before my eyes. In addition, dealing with lawyers, financial advisors, etc., is wearing me out. Each time I think I'm in a good spot, something else pops up that needs to be dealt with. Soon I'll have to sell her house, and don't even know where to start with that. I'd love to hear what others have experienced, and welcome insight into any of this. Thanks much!
Chris

darcytg

Hello Chris,

Glad you found this place. There will be folks along with lots of experience and a willingness to share.

My LO was diagnosed with AD in late November. Read the Tam Cummings packet on another thread. It's sobering reading and information is your friend.

It is terrifying to watch the people we love as this disease progresses. I found it a gift to be able to be with my LO for a short (seemed very long in the moments) time and have tremendous guilt about not doing more. Really holding onto the ments of joy and lightness and being able to just hold her hand.

Your grief will be ongoing, like everyone here. This is a great place to share and learn. So sorry you have need of this space and very glad you found it.

Stick close and dont be afraid to speak up.

We need each other.

Anonymousjpl123

Yes @creid9995 this disease is overwhelming! There is so much to deal with, logistically and emotionally. I so understand why it’s so hard. First, you have to deal with the disease and the loss, then a move, then finances/legal. It’s a mess.

But it will calm down. Then you hit a harder point (where I am) where your mom is safe, and cared for, and maybe even in the best possible place you can find, and yet still there are so many losses. This is not easy. But there is lots of support here, on this site, it has definitely saved me. I feel a lot less alone. You will get through this. And it’s ok to feel the losses. But also you will be ok.

Emily 123

Hi Chris,

It will get better. But at first it's just constant exhausting management of thing after thing, like a horrible game of Whack-a-Mole.

Organizing and paring down the things you need to accomplish will help open up more bandwidth to handle the emotional things. Just keep chipping away at it and use what resources you can to reduce the heavy lifting.

Thousands of people sell their homes every day and there's lots of people out there willing to help you do just that. Your mother's funds may have to support some outlay on the front end, but remind yourself that this exactly what would happen if she were to handle a downsizing herself.

Is your mom's house near you? Could you ask family friends for the name of a realtor they recommend? Or perhaps you or the CELA might know of someone? Similarly, you can ask for help to find a real estate lawyer, who can handle the closing for you if you don't have the time to attend.

Look on Zillow and realtor.com for price estimates and local sales for comparable homes in the area (in Zillow you can click on the map for the home and then go to 'lot lines' to see estimates for nearby homes, and you can also filter to 'recent sales'). Get comparable sales info from your realtor too. Balance your need to sell quickly vs. desire for more $$/longer time on market--what's reasonable for you? Your realtor should know the market.

Organizing:

Will it be easier for you to have the house shown with mom's things in it, or should you move/sell donate what you can first, putting any funds into her account? My preference would be to clear the house, as a house with things in it may require more cleaning in between showings, and if you need to close in a hurry that creates another stressful timeline for you to meet. Additionally, if the house is on the market for a while you could have the insurance policy changed so it doesn't cover belongings, saving some money.

Put aside family treasures that you'll keep. Other family members may weigh in with what they want, but if they want things they should get them within a specific time frame that you set, and they can handle how they receive those things. You have enough on your plate. If you're finding it hard to part with certain things consider if putting them in storage for a bit might give you some breathing room now.

Also--don't hang on to something just for hanging on's sake. If it can't fit in your or your mom's life, it can't fit...My mom toted some family chairs with her (forever), but we kids had no room or affection for them (I could probably count on one hand the times I actually sat on them), and so sold them. Initially she asked what we had done with her things, we told her we put them in storage.

Sort belongings into 'keep--sell/donate--dump' piles. It might be worth getting one of those bins from a removal company if there's going to be bags and bags of little stuff to get rid of. Contact local charities or haulers to do pick ups (some household goods removers will pay you for what they may want to re-sell and remove the rest). Local charities should provide you with a list of what they will and won't take, and a donation slip so you can claim the value donated on mom's taxes for that year. (Also, consider having someone do mom's taxes for her to give you a little breathing room.) Do you want to do an estate or yard sale, or will that be too much work for not much value? Do you want to see if an auction house can come through and make an offer on anything?

Set a timeline for when the house must be cleared, and discard whatever you can't keep/donate/sell by your deadline.

You're handling a very emotion-laden task, and it will be hard because these ARE her things, but once it's done you'll feel better. Just keep reminding yourself that these are the same things your mom would have to do if she were to sell her home.

psg712

Emily has great advice about the house/belongings. I agree with clearing the house first before putting it on the market. Especially if your LO was hoarding or hiding things. Also, you are then ready for inspections and a closing as soon as a buyer is available.

My family ended up hiring an estate sale man who did a lot of the clean out for us, after we took what was important to us. We all lived out of state and had a very limited time that we could meet at Mom's house and work on the mess together.

We did meet with the realtor together. After the house was cleared and some repairs done, everything else about the sale was handled over the phone and internet. DocuSign was our lifeline, and I as POA did not have to travel 400 miles for a closing.

I hope that you find the right path to sell your mom's house. This is a complicated and heartbreaking journey.

creid9995

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194553#Comment_194553

Thank you for the note, and I will look for the Tam Cummings packet. ❤️

creid9995

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194596#Comment_194596

Emily, thank you so much for the advice and insight! My daughter and son-in-law came for a brief visit and we went to mom's house so that they could take or "claim" things that they wanted. Our daughter had always wanted a unique kaleidoscope that my mom had, so she took that. :-) My cousin and her husband are coming to the house next weekend. My cousin offered to take pictures of "valuables" and put them on a Google drive to share with family, to see if anyone wants anything. And her husband is a general contractor and very handy, so he's going to fix a few things we know need to be addressed, and has offered to do a "pre-inspection" for us to determine if there's anything major that we need to fix before putting the house on the market.

I appreciate your note about not keeping things just to keep them, and completely agree. She has a lot of beautiful artwork, but I neither have the physical space or the emotional attachment to most of it. There are a few things from my childhood that I will keep. And I understand that someday my daughter will probably look at those things and think "what was she thinking?" LOL It's ok.

I've offered to bring some things to her to have in her room, but each time she's said she doesn't want anything. So, I'm abiding by her wishes. No need to clutter her room, and potentially make her emotional because of items that may (or may not) bring back memories.

Thanks for the response, and the love - I feel it! ❤️

Emily 123

It sounds like you're on top of things and have great support! You're well on your way to getting through it.