Wanting to go home

Lola1111

Hello,
My mom was diagnosed with ALZ a year ago. Due to her diagnosis, we relocated her to a memory care center. The center is very nice and has many amenities and I visit weekly. She is high functioning and able to take care of many ADLs herself. She constantly talks about moving home which is unfortunately not an option for many reasons. She is always asking me when she can go home, have I called the movers, etc, can I come pick her up. It is hard because I don't know what to say. I feel like I am always lying to her. Any advice is appreciated!

M1

Hi Lola. This is very hard i know, i have the same discussion with my partner each time I visit her. I use white lies over and over. Such as: the doctors aren't ready to release you yet, they are watching your kidney function and blood counts, and doing physical therapy on your back. But you will come home with me eventually.

She has no sense of time, therefore doesn't realize that this is irrational. I also tell her I'll call her as soon as i get home (she hasn't had a phone in over two years). Those things usually get me out the door.

MN774

Hi Lola,

I'm also having similar issues as you and M1 with my father, and like M1, having to tell white lies about going home. I think that is the hardest part, since this transition to nursing home care is pretty new to our family. One of my phone calls with my father got so bad about his urgency to go home that he told me that he would be dead in a week if he didn't go home. It was extremely upsetting. M1 was very supportive, recommending taking a break from talking with my father for a little while. This seems to have worked. He seems to be calmer now, and now I have been visiting him through facetime when my brother visits he seems a bit more mellow. He's also been prescribed with medication to address his psychosis, so that has helped too. My father still talks every visit about going home, but deferring in some small way each time seems to be working, at least for now.

easy23

Don't feel guilty. My DH IS home and still wants to "go home."

Emily 123

Hi Lola,

Sometimes it’s more a yearning to go back to a time in life when they had autonomy and felt in control. I’m sorry. It’s very hard. Since she doesn’t have short term memory to imprint the MC as her new home, she’s going to visually cue that she’s in an unfamiliar place as she looks around. I wish I had a solution to feeling bad about the fiblets. Not ‘lying’ to your parent is something we get taught early and often, isn’t it?

Anonymousjpl123

I agree with Emily. I think home is a state of mind and a feeling that people with alz/dementia must miss terribly. I always find that comfort, familiarity, calmness and connection (from me) help ease that for my mom. It’s not a place; it’s a feeling: everyone at my Moms MC speaks of wanting to go home, sometimes. And that place is NICE. I wish I could go somewhere like that if I get dementia. Just try to reassure her, when you can. And please let go of feeling guilty or like there’s something you could do. There isn’t.

Hihosteveareno

Hi there, and what a great topic. Wanting to go home is a constant mantra for my 88yo Alzheimer's mother. She is at the point where her memory is shot, so she will not remember our conversation if I'm honest, or I lie. So I now have a script for many of the repeated topics she brings up. I say the same thing every time. "You wanted to move her. You moved here to be safe. You've been living here 2 years. Your house is sold." That's all. It seems to calm her down. Right or wrong, agree or disagree, it is what works for me and her. She doesn't cry over it.

In general, for me, I use scripts for the repetitive things she brings up, "I want to go home, There's nothing to do, Is my mother dead, etc etc etc". I found what seems to work, and stick with it until it doesn't anymore.

Thanks for letting me share this with you.