Unsure where to even start

greentea47

It’s a long one….
My husband and I are 34 years old and have recently had my 68 year old FIL move in with us. Previously, my FIL lived with his wife, who had been recovering from a mild stroke she had in March 2023. They live about 2 hours away from us and we thought they were managing okay as my SIL lives in their area and helped them as needed.
Then, my FIL started have more difficulty managing his finances -missing bill payments, misplacing large amounts of money he would withdraw from his bank..
So my FIL agreed to have my husband manage paying their bills and monitoring their accounts but my FIL would still call my husband multiple times a day asking about his bank, his bills etc..
Then, my FIL would frequently drive to bank or grocery store alone and would not recall the way to get back to home. After leaving the house one afternoon, he parked his car somewhere and started to try to walk back to his home to only be found by the local PD who brought him back home. We made the decision to take away the keys however, he started taking public transportation and still getting lost.
So, my husband and I made a plan to set up an appointment with a PCP so we could be there to make sure to address any possible causes for these memory issues.
Before we could make any appointments , my MIL had another stroke and is currently hospitalized. Since we felt my FIL would not be safe at home alone, we decided to have him stay with us.
Now he is here and we all are trying to adjust. My husband and I have time off from our full-time jobs to help my FIL adjust to this new routine and environment. We are trying to make a safe environment as his biggest risk is him attempting to leave our home. We have cameras and sensors/alarms on all our doors and windows so we are alerted to any movement that way. However, he hardly sleeps and we hear him walking about the house all night. We worry about what he is doing and could possibly do. My FIL calls my husband multiple times throughout the night asking about , wondering about his bank account or what time he has to be at work (my FIL no longer works) Throughout the day, it is many of the same questions.We answer, try to redirect with other activities like reading, watching tv, Listening to music but he really has no interest in those things. We know it is hard on my FIL being in a new environment so we are trying to be patient and understanding. We plan to get him into a PCP in our area but we’re unsure how to manage until then. We both feel overwhelmed and sleep deprived as having my FIL stay with us was an urgent decision and my MIL is still hospitalized (which we haven’t even fully processed how we will manage her care once she is released) We both will have to return to work soon (thankfully my husband is remote) but we are both struggling how we can move forward the way things are. Mentally, we are already drained and I feel our options are limited financially.

I appreciate if you took the time to read this and allowing me to vent.

psg712

Wow, you have a huge set of challenges on your hands. Can anyone else in the family take a night or two on duty with FIL and let you and hubby sleep? Even a couple of good nights rest can help your perspective.

Family also needs to get together and start brainstorming plans for both FIL and MIL's care. What you are doing now is ok in a brief crisis, but it is not sustainable in the long term. Dementia care is a marathon. And your MIL will need help too as she recovers. Who has POA?

M1

welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for support and advice. I am so sorry you are dealing with two sick in-laws simultaneously.

He probably has Alzheimer's or mixed dementia, but your mother in law has probably been supporting him more than you knew-this is not uncommon, and when the caregiver spouse gets sick or dies, the true extent of the dementia becomes apparent. If you can get him seen quickly, the docs may be able to give him medication that will help with the sleep fragmentation and the agitation. The medical aspects are one piece, but equally important is the legal side- your husband and his sister need to consult a certified elder law attorney asap to obtain power of attorney for both parents for healthcare and finances. Look at nelf.org for lists by location. This is critical, because you may have to make decisions for both of them quickly. You also need to figure out quickly whether they can afford private pay at a facility (anywhere from $5000-$10,000 per month) or whether you need to get them qualified for Medicaid (not Medicare)- the attorney can help with this also.

Honestly, your FIL sounds like he needs 24/7 supervision that you all are not prepared to provide. Many assisted living and memory care facilities will offer respite stays (typically 30 days) that could be a trial run for permanent placement. That might be the best temporary solution until his wife's situation and needs are more clear, but it sounds unlikely that they will be able to return to their home without 24/7 support. She probably can't resume her role as his primary caregiver. Your husband and sister need to figure out a division of responsibility, but generally it's best for the primary hands-on caregiver to also hold the power of attorney. The hospital social worker helping plan for your MIL's care might also be able to give you some names of places to start looking for FIL too.

Very hard to take this on at such a young age and i assume fairly early in your marriage. I wish you well and hope your mother in law will make a good recovery.

JeriLynn66

Welcome to here but sorry for the reason. There is a 24 hour hotline here that will allow you to speak to a Care Consultant: licensed trained Social Workers if you want to speak to a “live person”. 800.272.3900.

This can be so overwhelming but everyone here stands ready to help.

greentea47

The only other family is my SIL, who has been back and forth at the hospital with my MIL. Other than that, no other local family that could be an option.

Our Plan is to assisted living or memory care facilities but with the costs it seems so unrealistic to even consider. Hopefully, they can qualify for Medicaid.

As far as POA, it will be my husband but we still need to get an attorney so we will look at nelf.org.

Hopefully, we can speak with the Care Consultant today as well just to have more support right now.

I’m so thankful for all the replies and this forum. It has helped to know we are not alone and there are resources available.