Family Giving Me Conflicting Advice

rosecoloredglasses

Hi everyone! I (25) am the main caretaker for my mother (59) who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's back in 2022. Recently we've noticed some progression, she recently forgot my name for the first time so it's kicked my brain in to focusing on things like a will and POA. I was talking to my aunt the other night asking her about how to obtain those things and she started, laughing? She explained that because my mom does not own a house, car, or any kind of retirement/savings or stocks that getting a will drawn up for her would be a waste of time and money. And that I don't need to get any POA since a financial one "wouldn't apply," but I think it does because she gets disability and I use that to pay bills. She said I wouldn't need a medical POA since I haven't required one already. I am on all of my mom's HIPPA paperwork with her doctors as someone who's able to call about appointments and receive information about any tests. But I have this sinking feeling that I do need those things. I'm worried if I don't, something will happen after she passes. Like my aunts will try to take over everything, I love them to death but they have a habit of doing that. I know my mom doesn't have any assets besides her personal items, but what if something happens with the bank? Or she won't get the celebration of life she wants after she passes? I have no knowledge of any of this stuff and it's all really big and scary to me. I hate having to think about when my mom does pass, but I need to make sure I have everything on iron lock that I am the one in charge here, that I wont get screwed over with debt or not being able to cremate my mom or any of the other 500 things my brain is telling me will go wrong. I'm sorry for the long read, believe it or not this is the short version haha. Any advice is highly appreciated.

Quilting brings calm

Yes you need a will and a POA and a medical POA. Do you need a super high priced attorney to protect her assets - probably not- but you need the three things above to be able to make decisions for her when she can’t and to easily deal with things after her death. Every state has different rules for disposing of things after death without a will. When our younger son passed away without one last spring, his brother got half of everything. Now - we didn’t care - but that’s not what our son would have wanted because he had told me so.

SusanB-dil

Oh gracious - yes, yes, and yes... Need a will, DPOA, and HIPPA accesses.

Although you do need to be careful of the wording of all three, a will can be written out and then notarized. The DPOA and HIPPA accesses you are probably best off getting an attorney to write them up. If they can add the will without too much extra, it would be worth it also. And a HIPPA, or medical POA clause, I am pretty sure, can be written into the DPOA.

If your aunts are prone to do such things, they may be up to something in telling you that you do not need this paperwork. When DH had to use the POA, especially for the bank, they had to have valid documentation. Pretty much couldn't do anything without it.

H1235

Yes!!!!

mommyandme (m&m)

Yes! You need those things! Please don’t hesitate in acquiring them. And… probably no need to discuss it with anyone, it’ll be between you, your mom and the lawyer that assists you. (Or person that can help you get it done)

M1

just piling on: yes, do it, talk to an attorney and quit talking to your aunt. certified elder law attorneys are listed by location at nelf.org. They can also help you qualify her for Medicaid if needed for long-term care. It's worth the cost--and many will offer a free initial consultation.

catminor

Adding another YES, you need a Will, Durable Power of Attorney (financial) and Medical Power of Attorney, ASAP.

I agree that you should just get it done with your Mom and stop listening to anyone that tells you you don't need these things.

If you can't afford an attorney to do all of it, you could find all the forms for your state online, print them out, fill it all out, and take your Mom with you to a Notary Public.

Make sure you keep the originals in a secure place, and take copies to the bank and doctor's office. Both those places will need to update the accounts immediately.

Keep us posted.

Jeanne C.

Please see a CELA.

When my grandfather had alzheimer's back in the 90s, my family wasn't well informed on any of the legal and financial aspects. He died without a penny in a terrible nursing home because that's all my family could afford. My mom and aunt kept him home as long as they could but they had no help.

Fast forward 30-some years: now my husband has dementia. We have our assets protected and all sorts of Medicaid benefits like healthcare, pharmacy, meals, diapers, and home health aide coverage. I couldn't have set any of this up without a CELA.

You're a great daughter doing this for your mom. Get things organized now so you can provide the best care using the resources available. And take care of yourself. The people on this forum will be glad to help you all we can.

acdaughter

Echoing what everyone else here has said - get an attorney for you to have POA on all fronts.

As for a Will - it is a great idea but my mom and I choose to have Trust instead. Wills still have to go through probate and the legal system, depending on where you are this can take months or years (my husbands Dad died in 2021 and even though he had a Will all his finances are still in probate). A Trust will automatically transfer to the beneficiary upon ones passing. No court hang-ups. A much smoother process.

It is more expensive than a Will and makes sense when there are some kind of assets (car, house, jewelry, savings, etc.). One thing I have done is have all her SS payments automatically go into her Trust bank account that I have access to to pay her bills. Gives me control of her finances now and in the future. It also is a good layer of protection against scammers or bullish family.

This is definitely something to discuss with your attorney though!

mabelgirl

Look for senior centers in your area. They have resource information where you can get assistance for free. However, I was told at one pro bono law group that if my mother couldn’t answer basic questions they would not do any documents if they deemed her to be unable to understand. So don’t wait, you don’t know how fast your window of opportunity may close on you. Good luck and bless you for thinking ahead and taking care of your mom.