Sadness for my MIL

Hope5757

It’s been an emotionally tough day. Nothing out of the ordinary but it’s been close to two years MIL has lived with us. And I was particularly tired of not having any time alone; cooking, cleaning, entertaining and listening to her talk, talk, talk.

But as I was sitting here mentally listing the 101 things I have to do each day in order to keep her safe, MIL said “can I ask you a question?” “Sure.” “Do I have 3 or 4 children?”

And for probably the first time, I truly realized the awfulness of what dementia is for the person living with the disease.

I told her how many children she had and how many grandchildren she had and how many great grandchildren she had. I reassured her that it was ok to ask these kinds of questions. And I also told her that she was going to continue forgetting. And that it was ok to ask me when she couldn’t remember.

Then I wept a little for her.

M1

I'm sure that was a gut punch. Sweet that you answered her in such a compassionate way. It is indeed almost impossible to imagine what it must be like not to remember your own life.

My partner's MC prints out a nametag every time we go in. I don't usually put it on. But today my partner found it in my jacket pocket and asked me who this person was. She can still verbally read the words, but she doesn't recognize that it's my name. Just so weird.

Hope5757

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203153#Comment_203153

M1, I’ve consistently noticed the depth of grief spouses express on this site. The first time, a PWD doesn’t recognize their spouse has to be inexpressibly heartbreaking.

psg712

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68642/sadness-for-my-mil

Bless you for your kindness to your MIL. My MIL lived with us for the last 7 years of her life. I wasn't always patient with her in her old age, and she didn't have dementia!

Now my mom is struggling with Alzheimers. I too often focus on all of the practical things to be done. Then something like you described today occurs, and I feel so bad for all that she has lost. Her MC has had a covid outbreak, so I haven't taken my young son to see her for about 2 weeks. A few days ago, I was in her room and pointed to his picture on her dresser. I told her that he misses her and hopes to see her soon. She asked, "who's that?" My heart hit the floor. He's her only grandchild, and she's his only living grandparent. And she is losing the unique blessing of that relationship ... among all of her other losses.

Hope5757

@psg712 ,

I'm so sorry your son and your mom will miss that precious grand & child relationship. Hopefully an in person visit will provide a cue to her memories.

I don’t want to sound like caregiving is easy. I’m still so resentful and bitter at times. And always physically tired and emotionally exhausted. And unlike some, I find nothing rewarding about caregiving. I’m queasy by nature and cleaning up after her and helping with hygiene requires me to steel myself and not think about the task

And every day, I struggle with the absolute unfairness of being asked to give up my own years to extend her years. I’d like to scream at the universe “why are her nine decades of life more important than my five?”

But being able to empathize with the enormity of her loss was an important experience. And it helps me to be a better human being. Maybe if she were my own mother or we had had a loving relationship previously, empathy and sensitivity to her plight would be organic. I don’t know. I’m just doing the best I can.

psg712

Doing the best we can ... is good. One day at a time.

drkinge0211

I'm just starting to really deal with awful reality for my mom and us, her family so I really don't have any good advice for you. I do want to acknowledge you for the compassion you showed. I hope I can be as loving as you and so many on this forum.

I feel like I've been getting a gut punch every day since I've been here. Tomorrow I go back home to the US (mom lives in the Dominican Republic) completely heartbroken and scared to leave her.

This disease is terrible.