What do I tell Mom when she asks to go home?

jadew

Hello,

I'm new here, and new to caring for my Mother who is middle stage with dementia.

Long story short, my Dad was her primary care give until he passed away suddenly about 2 months ago. He hid from the family his illness (cancer) and the extent of Mom's dementia. I live out of state, so that was pretty easy for him to do...so sad.

Anyways, I moved my Mom here about a week and a half ago, planning for her to live with me until the time came she that she would need more care, and then move into a home. Well, things did not go as planned at all. Which is when I found out how ill she really is. I was unable to care for her or give her her medications for diabetes. She wasn't taking her insulin and by day 3, I called in for an emergency placement in a nursing home (memory care unit)

Mom is adjusting, but as expected she having good days and bad. She keeps asking me when she is going home, where is her house and her car, and most painfully for me "where do I live?"

I've used all of the quick redirects, saying things like "we're just staying here for a little while, and redirecting. But, I want to tell her something that may help her understand that's she's staying there...permanently. Am I grasping to have her understand something she's not capable of? Can she understand that she needs to stay there?

All in all, she seems good when I visit (about 3-4x/week) I just don't know what to tell her, or if I even should?

Any advice is welcome, and thanks ahead.

SusanB-dil

Hi Jadew - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I am so sorry of your dad's passing. And then you finding out just how ill he and your mom really were. He was shielding you from too much, but sometimes, that's how dads are.

Unfortunately, your mom's reasoner is broken. You are best at just telling her what you have been - that 'she is there for rehab, or to get meds situated', or 'the house is being worked on from a broken water pipe'. She will most likely not understand that this is permanent and you will just have to repeat, repeat. 'The car is in the shop from a broken part that is on backorder'. "Where do I live?" "you are just living here for now."

M1

Completely agree. My partner does this daily despite being in memory care for two years now. All you can do is repeat, repeat, and take some mercy in the fact that she probably has little sense of time (my partner has none). It is very hard to hear though, especially when accompanied by tears.

jadew

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205274#Comment_205274

I appreciate your insight. I'll stay the course with short answers, and hope she settles in as much as she can. It's truly heartbreaking seeing how she is. It was hard enough having my Dad die, when I got to her house the next day she didn't know who I was...devastating.

harshedbuzz

@jadew

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found us.

I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Unfortunately, your story is not an uncommon one. It's not unusual for a spouse to keep their back-ups in the dark about the other's dementia out of some misguided notion of protecting their dignity. And given that many spousal caregivers provide so much daily support in terms of intuitively scaffolding for their LO, it's a given they don't realize how impaired their LO would be in their absence.

My uncle who was fit, healthy and came from long-lived people assumed he'd outlive my aunt. They were childless and lived in a remote Maine town a couple hundred miles from nearest family. When uncle died unexpectedly from a recurrence of cancer— indigestion on Monday and gone within the week— our family lived a version of what you are living.

I'm sure this is a lot of shock for you to take on right now. But I agree with the others that empathy is needed here. Your mom can't get better. Like many PWD, she will maintain her emotional intelligence and feelings well into the end stages but not the cognition to process them. However confused she is, she's lost her husband/main support, her lifestyle and her home. It's a lot. To tell her you live here now would be cruel as she no longer has the advanced thinking skills to understand your reasoning and accept it.

I can appreciate that you would hope this information would relieve you of hearing her pleas. IME, this sort of honesty goes one of 2 ways— either the PWD become depressed or agitated or they forget and continue asking. It's best to tell them what they would want or need to hear.

I told dad he was in a fancy rehab to get stronger and that his doctor would decide when it was safe to come home. Because he was motivated by money, I told him we were renting his place in FL for the season which covered costs of operation and brought in a small profit each month. I told him his stuff was in storage and even had a picture on my phone from when it was briefly. Your mom might respond to a story of you dusty and keeping it ready for her return or a tale about waiting on a sewer line repair or termite treatment. For cars the story is typically that there's been a recall and it's at the dealer awaiting a part.

I found it helpful to rehearse my fiblets until I could deliver them without a lot of emotion. I also found a redirect to a snack effective.

Most people do eventually settle in after a time. Many settle in by about 2 months. With my dad it was faster which amazed me. Everything about that man was a challenge. My aunt, on the other hand, settled in immediately.

HB

MN Chickadee

Most of us find that calling it a temporary stay is the most kind and humane way to approach it. She will not remember why she is there, and it is probably useless to try to get her to understand with logic. Therapeutic fibs are your friend. When she asks when she can go home try saying soon, but we have to wait for the doctor to clear you or when you are a bit stronger or when that bad hip has had enough therapy or when we get your insulin under control. Alternatively sometimes a problem with the house works - the house needs new plumbing or the furnace is out and you can stay here until it's fixed. Waiting on parts. Maybe next week. Always kick that can down the road into next week. Rinse and repeat. Tell her you are looking after her car and she doesn't need to worry about it. She is probably looking for reassurance and feeling scared when she asks where she lives, she can't make sense of this. Try telling her home is where you are, you will always be there for her. If she thinks home is a childhood home just go with it, no need to correct or try to orient her to current times. Ask what she likes about the home, reassure her. Validate feelings, redirect. That's all we can do. It's a common thing with dementia and the repetitive questions about it will persist a while. Tell her whatever brings her comfort. That may mean something different on different days, but for better or worse they usually don't remember what you told them an hour ago so you can play around and find the right fib that helps ease her anxiety.

SusanB-dil

Hope things are settling a bit into what is a 'new normal', as they say…

Agree that just telling her 'you live here', would be sad. 'you just live here for now', is a big difference…

brought this up again because lately my mom isn't quite sure where she is supposed to be, now. Ughh!!