My mother keeps asking if her parents are alive

devrajaffe

my mom, 75, is in the early stages of Alzheimers. She recently has been asking if her parents are alive (they both died over 25 years ago) and my dad told her that yes, they died a while ago. He didn't want to lie and didn't know what to do. My mother started crying that she didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her father (she was particularly close with him). It was very upsetting for everyone. What have others found to be good strategies when a loved one asks about people who have died? It seems like it's not necessary for her to get so upset and yet I don't want to lie to her and then she'll want to call her father. I imagine this is a common issue with alzheimers. Thank you

M1

It is in fact a very common issue, my partner (age 83) asks nearly every day if her parents and a younger sister (died in 2021) are still alive. Sometimes she gets upset when I remind her that they are no longer with us, sometimes not. Yesterday she just wanted to call her mother and go home to Texas (childhood home). I just didn't respond, and just say things like "I know you love them a lot" and "I know you miss them." The the theory that the oldest memories last the longest, it's not surprising to me that she remembers her mother and her sister the most. This seems in fact to be getting more intense the more she progresses. Wish there were an easy answer.

LisaLH

My father will say "I need to go see Mom". I always use an excuse, like she has a cold or she is on a trip etc. That pacifies him.

Emily 123

keeping in mind that the person has lost later memories, are there any stories she used to tell about her family? Sometimes you can find a good fiblet in there, for instance , if they traveled a lot perhaps they’re traveling and unavailable. The ready convenience of using a cell phone may not occur to her, if she’s back that far in time.

atl86

I know how hard it is to hear these kind of things from your loved one. My Mom is in early stage 6 and tells me often that she wants to call her mother, but she doesn't have her phone number and can't find it anywhere. Her mother died over 50 years ago. My Mom wants to tell her mother that she's ready to come home and to come get her. It is challenging for me to pretend that her mother is still living, but I know that telling my Mom the truth isn't the answer. So, I deal with my discomfort and usually respond that I don't have her mother's phone number either and quickly change the subject.

easy23

My DH wants to talk to his parents and most recently, his Nana. I just give vague answers to his questions. If he asks to call his mother, I say I don't remember her number. When in doubt, I just answer "I don't know." I never tell him that they're dead because it would be too much for him.

M1

This happens to us all the time with her mother and her sister, both deceased. Today she ruminated all day about her sister's death, couldn't get her off the topic.

Kat63

My DH ask about his parents all the time also and both have been dead for more than 10 years. If he wants to see them, I answer they are in Florida for the winter (which they did do while still alive) and if he wants to call them I say I don’t have their phone number. My DH doesn’t have the reasoning anymore to know we should have his parents phone number so it works when I say that. I believe my husband is in stage 6 also and very common to want to see his parents or go home, home being his childhood home. It’s been a journey to get to the point where i realize it’s okay to lie to my DH, or Fiblets as we say.

Hihosteveareno

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68859/my-mother-keeps-asking-if-her-parents-are-alive

Hello. My 88 yo mom is in AL. She asked for months if her mother is still alive. I used to say that she was not, and she dreams of her mom because she loves her so much. Now, she doesn’t ask if her mom is alive, she believes it. She tells me that she just got off the phone with her. She sometimes says that she calls her but when she doesn’t get an answer, she worries. This goes on multiple times every day. No matter what I say, she forgets a few short minutes later. It used to happen mostly nights and mornings, but it has become an all day thing. I am sad for her, but it is frustrating for me. I cope by not answering my phone most of the time.