Mom had dementia, now dad has it.

AnneShirley

Hi, my mom passed on about 6 years ago after dealing with early onset Alzheimer's. Now my dad has been diagnosed with it, and I just came here for some support because, although he's not in the advanced stages yet, I'm starting to see changes in his memory. It reminds me of what my mom went through and how I felt when she was here. I don't want to go through that with my dad and I don't want him to have Alzheimer's. I'm also scared sometimes because I know that I might get it and my brother, too. Just feeling really sad today because I was out with my dad and the changes are worse than they have been. Right now I'm not his caregiver as he's not too advanced yet, but I know that I might be one day. The memory of everything I felt and went through with my mom has come back and I feel terribly sad. I went through a deep depression during my mom's illness and I don't want to go back to that place again. I don't want my dad to have this disease and I feel so sad, especially when I'm around him. I would so greatly appreciate any support or suggestions anyone might have. Thank you so much!

Elena

fmb

Elena, welcome to the forum, though I am sorry for the reason you are here. This is a wonderful place for support and education. I can so relate to your feelings as you start on yet another round of the dementia journey. My father died from ALZ five years ago, and my mother is in late-stage dementia in a MCF 1000 miles away. My DH is in AL with Stage 7 ALZ, congestive heart failure and the effects from a stroke 10 months ago. Like you, I also am terrified that I or my siblings may develop dementia, as 10 of my close relatives have suffered from ALZ, LBD, or Parkinson's. I have also suffered from depression and anxiety throughout much of my life. I would suggest that you connect with a therapist, one who specializes in treating caregivers if at all possible. You may not be his primary caregiver yet, but many of the emotions are still there. You may also want to consult your PCP about starting an antidepressant medication. Don't let the depression and other feelings get ahead of you. You need to take care of yourself and stay strong for whatever the future brings.

AnneShirley

fmb,

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you. Thank you so much for your message. Wow, you've gone through a lot! I'm so sorry! Do you mind sharing your age? It's not a big deal, I just wondered. I'm 43, myself. I'm currently in a residential mental health clinic, my dad visited me today and when I saw the changes in his memory and heard him talk about how he was scared about how his mind is getting, it broke my heart. I feel selfish for thinking about myself, but now I'm thinking about going back when I leave clinics and go back home and taking care of him and feeling the same kind of depression I felt when I was taking care of my mom. I'm being treated for severe OCD, and I'm thankful for that. I used to have depression when my mom was here and I really don't want to go back to that dark place again, but don't know if I can prevent it. I'm on an antidepressant and other medications and I used to go to a counselor when my mom was here. I just don't look forward to going back home now because of all the sadness connected with my dad and his health. He loves to visit me and I don't want to tell him not to come. I guess I just need to learn how to deal with things when I'm around him. How are you doing?ml I really appreciated getting your message.

Elena

fmb

It is good that you are taking care of yourself. Counseling to help keep yourself grounded sounds like a good idea. This forum is a very good place to find information and support. There are a lot of knowledgeable and caring people here.

For various reasons, not everyone is able to be a primary caregiver. Is there anyone besides you in your dad's life who can take charge of your dad's care? Does someone hold his POA and healthcare POA? Your family will need to work together to care for him as the disease progresses. Getting legal matters taken care of while he is still fairly cognizant will help prevent a lot of stress down the road.

You asked my age, I am 63 and DH is 92. I am coping fairly well, taking one day at a time and trying to focus on the positive things in my life instead of ruminating on the negatives. Each day hold something beautiful if we only look for it.