Not Diagnosed yet

carlockj1981

I have been left with the responsibility of caring solely for my grandmother who is showing very progressed signs of dementia. My issue is, how do I get her a diagnosis and help, if she refuses to go to the doctor and her son (who is states away) has POA over her and refuses to acknowledge there is a medical need? I am so lost and taking the full brunt of her aggression and anger over non existent issues. This is hard to deal with.

SusanB-dil

Hi carlockj - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

So sorry you are having to deal with that. Does her son ever visit at all, to see the real picture? I take it he is not listening to you? Unfortunately, since he holds the POA, that really limits what you can do. Not sure how it is your responsibility if someone else has POA…

Anonymousjpl123

Hi and welcome. Glad you found this forum - lots of solid wisdom here. I would say your best bet is to really push the conversation with her son. I know he is states away, but can he come for an extended visit? Are they estranged? If he has power of attorney, he needs to be involved. It’s ok - I know how hard this can be. Keep pushing it on him. Also, are there any other family members involved? It can be helpful to have a few neighbors or family members who know your grandma to back you up.

H1235

Rather than telling him it’s bad and she needs help, give him lots of very specific examples. Does she still pay her own bills? Are bills past due? Is she giving money away? Does she still drive? Does her car have unexplained dents and scratches? You said you are caring for her, but how involved are you(no judgement, you’re in a difficult situation). You might need to get a bit nosy around her home to really get a better understanding of the situation. This information can then be used to try and convince her son. There is so much to consider. Does he want to be POA? Some people just take awhile to really accept the situation. Denial! This site is a great resource. I hope you can get through to him.

harshedbuzz

@carlockj1981

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but pleased you found this place.

I have strong feelings about a grandchild being burdened with caregiving duties if there is a living adult child. Most grandchildren are considerable younger and should be focused on their relationships, education, careers and families. I'm against it. I also have strong feelings about a non-POA having caregiving without access to the funds to provide it. I am against it.

Does she live with you or vice versa? Or is she living alone?

I think you need to decide what you want here. Do you want to put your life on hold and devote yourself 100% to your grandmother or do you want to be her agent and oversee her care in a facility? If so, I would consult an elder law attorney. You may need to obtain guardianship via the courts. A lawyer can advise on your case against your uncle as he might contest it and as next-of-kin/POA he would presumably have a good case unless you can prove he's not acting on her behalf.

Or do you want to get on with your life and just be a granddaughter? If so, you need to decide if you want to preserve a relationship with uncle. If getting back to your own life is the priority— and you've already given your grandmother the gift of more time at home— than you may need to pursue the nuclear option. In that scenario, if you live with/or come daily to provide care, I would give uncle and end date and let him figure it out. It would make sense to reach out to your area agency on aging and ask what options you have or call the 800 number associate with this site and ask for a "Care consultant".

Good luck to you.
HB

CarolynATL

harshedbuzz is 100% on this. Getting a diagnosis is a baby step considering what's ahead. My dad is at the end of a 6-year progression of alzheimer's, and none of it has been easy. Your uncle wants you to take responsibility with no authority, and that's an impossible task.

Best wishes to you through all of this.

mabelgirl

Is her aggressive behavior normal behavior? Can you voice or video record her to demonstrate to your uncle (or dad?)? I agree it’s not your job as the grandchild but may be necessary. Would your grandmother be safe without your care? If not then adult protective services could most likely force the POA to take appropriate steps.

psg712

Many family members refuse to see the hard reality of dementia in someone they love. They can easily maintain this denial when they live a good distance away. The POA, however, does not have this option. It is his or her responsibility to arrange for safe care, to manage assets, all the things that the PWD can no longer handle independently.

I don't know your uncle, so I don't know the best way to approach him. I agree with the others that he needs specific information on what is going on with her. Don't softpedal anything. If she soiled her clothing or bed, describe it to him, including the fact that she didn't know how to clean it up. If she isn't paying her utility bills, send him a copy of the cutoff notice. If she's vulnerable to scams, remind him that her money is being stolen - if he is among her heirs, that might help get his attention. If she wanders and gets lost, call the police and give them his information to contact when she's found. Remind him that she could lose everything in a lawsuit if she's driving and hurts another person.

It all sounds harsh, but when you live out of town, you can go about your days in blissful disconnect from the daily struggle of the PWD. Does your uncle have a caring relationship with you? If so, let him know that you need a break and ask him to choose a week to come stay with his mom so you can get away for respite. I also like the idea of recording her aggressive behavior ... or just calling uncle during one of her tirades to let him hear it. You may come to find that you need to use harshedbuzz's "nuclear option" and hand over this 24/7 responsibility to the person who should be doing it. You are doing this in the interest of your grandmother AND yourself. Right now you are doing your uncle's job for free, with none of the decision-making authority and all of the heart- crushing responsibility. It's not right.