Where do I Start?

Lkrielow99

I need to figure out where to start. I’ve got to have some extended “me” time. He drives me crazy with repeated questions, IPhone issues, wet pants, confusion, deliriums, pacing, rubbing his hands, running interference with his truck (I don’t let him drive) and scammers. My life is exhausting. I’m falling into the abyss with him. I have a housekeeper that can have come more often, my Yardman isn’t very good but he tolerates my dogs. my DH is clingy. I can no longer leave him alone. I’ve found a company that can provide services, but where do to start? Please send ideas.. TIA

Jeanne C.

Maybe try some companion care a day or two a week? The agency should work with you to determine what ADLS he needs assistance with and put together the care plan. Another option is adult day services (daycare). You should definitely find some time for yourself and maybe an in-person support group or therapist. They can help you find ways to keep yourself whole while caring for your husband.

harshedbuzz

One thought that comes to mind is removing triggers. This might simplify things considerably.

If he can see his truck, sell it or move it where he can't see it. You can tell him it's been recalled and is at the dealer awaiting a part. Rinse and repeat. If the iPhone is his, disappear it. It'll eliminate his need for assistance with it and sever his point of contact with scammers. He shouldn't be on the internet, so I would either disappear his devices or slip them into airplane mode and change the wifi password.

Medication, I highly recommend seeing a geripsych, could help calm down the anxiety that is driving the repetitive behaviors as well as the delirium/delusions to a more manageable level.

When we added in-home aides, we introduced them as there to assist mom after surgery. Other folks have claimed them to be cleaners or a friend dropping by. You might want to stay for the first visit or two.

HB

Lkrielow99

Jeannie, companion care would grant me a window shopping experience. I’ve not been alone in months. I’m a person that likes being alone and regroup. I found a counselor a few blocks away from the house. She says I need help with him.
HB, airplane mode may help. He thinks his emails are clients. I have the emails sent to my email and monitor for scams and delete most of them. He also believes he works for E-Trade and his clients are the individual stocks he has. I was able to transfer everything to a stockbroker to manage and told him he retired from E-Trade. I’m amazed at the delusion of such an intelligent person.
Thanks you all for input and ideas. I’m glad I have you all here.

M1

I would think about removing access to email and internet and cellphone altogether. Change the password on your WiFi, say it’s broken and awaiting repair. You may be surprised what you can get away with.

harshedbuzz

@Lkrielow99 said:

He thinks his emails are clients. I have the emails sent to my email and monitor for scams and delete most of them. He also believes he works for E-Trade and his clients are the individual stocks he has. I was able to transfer everything to a stockbroker to manage and told him he retired from E-Trade. I’m amazed at the delusion of such an intelligent person.

This is where I tell the oft repeated tale of dad losing $360K day-trading while my mom thought he was OK to be on the internet. There's no do-over for that. I fought with her over it; in retrospect I should have "accidently" spilled a large Coke on the keyboard.

If you have POA, please make sure it is on file and vetted by the legal department of your brokerage to avoid DH making some disastrous moves.

HB

Lkrielow99

Oh my, I’m sorry he lost $$. I know it happens. The broker knows what’s going on and that I have a DPOA. I asked if I need to send him a copy. He is with a national brokerage firm and not just a friend. Thanks for your helpful input!

M1

be aware that a lot of brokerage firms will not honor a general POA and require that you sign their own proprietary forms. I would double check about this, you can’t be too careful. Another step-especially if you are continuing to allow him any internet or phone access- is to freeze his credit with all three agencies.

SDianeL

Before my husband was placed in Memory Care 6 months ago, I told him I needed someone to come stay while I went to the doctor. He resisted at first but after the 2nd time she came, he asked if "his lady" was coming that day. She listened to his same stories each time she came. 4 hours each week. If you haven't yet, please read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it really helped me early on after his diagnosis. We know how you feel.

CindyBum

Oh yeah. Where to start…one thing at a time or it becomes quickly overwhelming for me.

I finally took the iphone away. My DW kept losing it around the house and couldn't even begin to understand how to operate it anymore. I got a landline and hid the iphone, though the landline connects to the iphone so she can still receive and make phone calls the old fashioned way with the same phone number.

Her sister also got her one of those digital picture frames. We have put a bunch of old photos on it and those rotate all throughout the day for her to see. I often find her camped out in front of it, laughing and smiling about her nieces and nephews and big family. Great distractor from wanting to look at pictures on her iphone.

I also am one that needs alone time. I have had to fight very hard internally with how to manage that with DWs clinginess. I am so committed to taking the best care of her I can, that I sometimes give in to her unrealistic desire to have me constantly by her side. It's not easy, but I have left her in the care of friends and family while I escaped for a few hours or days. She fights that every time and I have to resist caving every time. And, every time it's so worth it for me to resist. I come back a less stressed, frustrated, and impatient caregiver for her.

Hang in there.

M5M

you mentioned your housekeeper can come more often….i would use that option asap. She would be a person he knows and she can do a few chores while paying more attention to him. It’s likely he won’t even notice the increased schedule, but if he does just say she had some extra hours and needed the work. Just talk to her about what you expect her to handle forward.

Lkrielow99

M1: TY, Im going to speak to the firm today and ask them to check with their legal team.

SDianeL: it’s nice to have a wonderful resource and I’m am grateful. I know I’m not alone, TY. I am reading the book. TY

CindyBum: We have a couple digital frames loaded with old travel pictures, great idea. I will try to redirect him from that IPhone and then make it go away one day. I need time away from this twilight zone. Thanks.

M5M: TY, I think the housekeeper can come in more often. She has an Aunt with Alzheimer’s and when I told her the diagnosis, she said she already knew. Usually when she comes I take my DH to breakfast or go to my home office to work. Going forward, I will leave the house for some “me” time and try to figure this out.

You all are amazing and I appreciate this group so much. Best to everyone that found their way to this group. Much love to all.

jfkoc

Based on what you have shared I think your POA is valueless unless it is durable. Please check on that.

Lkrielow99

Jfkoc: thanks for your input. I agree about the POA, mine is a DPOA prepared by Eldercare Attorney. And I have his medical directive.