Put Mom in MC - Feeling Guilty

Lou107

Yesterday I pur my 89 year old Mother in MC. I am feeling so guilty, like I failed her. I got her there under the guise of meeting a friend, then I just left her. I had ask the staff while preparing her room about leaving phones and tablets for her, they said leave it. Last evening my mom start posting things on Facebook like, "Why does my son hate me?"

Mom has Anosognosia with her Dementia diagnosis and just does recognize that anything is wrong with her. Prior to placing her in MC, I tried to reason with her about a live-in, assisted living, and other options that may keep her in her home. She flat out refused, so MC was my last option. I live on the West Coast and she is back East. I have stayed with her for 4 months and now I need to get back. Has anyone had success or used other methods to like writing things down and have person suffering from dementia to assist in remembering prior decisions made together? I just feel so guilty about placing her there knowing that if she would accept some outside help she could continue at home, without help MC was only option at this time. I just can't get through to her and it is so frustrating and it hurts me deeply seeing what she is posting on Facebook for the world to see. Suggestions?

M1

Welcome to the forum. My suggestion would be to get rid of the computer (and the phone). She is likely not safe with internet access. I don't think I've ever before seen a post of someone in MC having Facebook. Our MC has approximately 45-50 residents and only two that I know of have phones.

Anonymousjpl123

Oh @Lou107 I am so sorry. I know this feeling all too well. As awful as it is, her phone and tablet are probably not doung her any favors. She is also potentially a target for scammers. If you cannot get rid of it right away please monitor her facebook.

I know others will have different opinions, but whether it is at home care from family, home caregivers, or memory care, most people with dementia eventually need 24 hour care. It is not a failure. My mom chose not to have in home care as well. It was 💯 my first option for her. She didnt want that and is now in memory care.

Your mom likely wont remember any decisions you made together. The best to thing is to reassure her she is ok and in a good place.

Distance caregiving is so hard. Are there people back east that can check in on her? You can also ask the staff at her MC what they think about the phone and tablet in a week or so. My mom kept her phone the first month in MC, staff said it was ok, and she was literally the only person with a phone. It was very upsetting for her. I wish i got rid of it sooner.

mabelgirl

such timing. I just moved my mom to AL yesterday and feel awful about it. She also has anosognosia as well and has been quite nasty and mean the last several months when at my house. I feel like I have failed her and my siblings since I could not keep her with me. When she got there she seemed content and the welcoming committee was very nice to her. Today , boy oh boy is she angry and agitated at me. I’ve blocked her number because she just kept calling like every 5 minutes to berate me about just wanting to lock her up and steal all her treasures. She started off by telling me I should die and am not her daughter, then got into the stealing her wealth (never mind that she’s on Medicaid) and locked her away (it’s not locked). After blocking her she’s been calling the siblings telling them she knows what I’m up to and going to call the cops. She also posts on FB mean things as well. Everyone knows me and thus knows my mom’s rants are not based on fact but on a frustrated mind that can not make sense of the world around her any more. It does hurt but I let the recognize my anger at the words and remind myself of the source it comes from. Prayers for maintaining compassion and self.

Daisie

I can completely empathize as I had to take my mom to the ER to literally get the ball rolling on the path to MC, which she adamantly refused (along with in-home care, daycare, etc.). She was getting worse and worse at home (living with me), and while there were sparks of the loving mom she once was, most of the time, she was delusional and berated me. It was getting worse and worse, yet taking Medicaid longer and longer to do anything to help. It wasn't until she was admitted into the hospital and I refused to bring her home that things started happening. She was awful the first few nights, I've heard but has settled due to being medicated. She moves into MC next week, and I worry we're in for another ride. I've been told that I shouldn't visit for up to two weeks after she moves in to help her settle. I fear that when I do visit, she'll hate me if she remembers who I am at all by that time. I feel terrible. Horrible guilt grips me. But, intellectually, I know that we are all doing our best and doing the right thing out of love and wanting our LOs to be safe and have their basic needs met so we can just go back to being their loving children in whatever way that looks now. At least, that's what I want, anyway.

I suggest finding a local support group. Your mom's MCF may even sponsor one. I'm going to my first one tomorrow and then I have my first therapy appointment (which I also recommend) the following day. It's time to take care of ourselves on a deeper level than we've been able to. We've given so much and continue to give so much love that it's time to turn some of that back on us.

I suggest reading "Loving Someone With Dementia" by Pauline Boss. I keep going back to it. It's the only book about dementia that has truly resonated with me. It may help you, too!

Lou107

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219223#Comment_219223

I am going through the same thing. I know it is not mom saying these nasty things to me but it still hurts me deeply. Mom has been in MC 3 days now and according to the staff is doing okay. I plan my first visit in Friday. I am going to take a journal and write down everything hoping she understands. I hope things ge4 better with your mom.

Lou107

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219258#Comment_219258

Thank you for sharing. After registering on this site, i realize so many of us are going the same thing. The facility mom is in offers a support group and I will make it a point to attend. Thank you for the book recommendation.