Painful Delusions

calistalabolle

For about 7-8 years my step dad and I were the main caregivers (we luckily eventually had in home care almost 24/7, but we still managed a lot) for my grandma with dementia, my mom completely checked out and couldn’t face it. It’s been about 8 years since my grandma passed and now my mom is showing signs. We are still waiting for the doc appt to be officially diagnosed, but I need to vent. This is so different compared to my grandma as the mother-daughter relationship can be intense even without memory loss mixed in. Any advice or positivity would be appreciated.

My mom has an ongoing and evolving delusion that my stepdad has started seeing other women, sleeping around, etc. It is obviously a manifestation of past trauma (my dad cheated), insecurities, and her poor self esteem.

She thinks and feels like she’s going through a divorce because of this delusion so I want to validate her feelings but haven’t been able to because it’s based on nothing real and she’s villainizing my step dad who is by her side all the time. Sometimes she admits to having alz , in those moments I think I can correct the delusion but that doesn’t connect and stresses her more. I want to save her from the pain of her story but I know correcting is the worst thing to do.

SusanB-dil

Hi calistalabolle - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

The mother-daughter dynamic can be an adventure even in the best of times. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of it. Others may weigh in also, but perhaps her doc can prescribe something to dial back that anger. MIL has meds, without being zombied, that have really helped all of us deal better. (when she is more calm, it helps her, and definitely helps DH and myself)

Also - paperwork in order - do you or stepdad have DPOA and medical HIPPA accesses? very important.

M1

Welcome, and I agree with the need for medication for the paranoia and delusions. These suspicions of infidelity are very common, and medication is likely the only way out. This is a pretty advanced symptom, she may be further along in the disease progression than you think ( we all tend to underestimate). I would not let yourself get drawn into any validation or discussion of this with her whatsoever. But ironically, you can hope that this too shall pass. My partner has gotten a lot sweeter and more affectionate in late stage 6 than she was earlier. So you may still have some nice moments with your mom ahead of you. You can hope, anyway.

terei

No amount of talk or ‘understanding’ are going to change the workings of her diseased brain. As above, medication is your answer here. She may or may not get over this particular fixation (or go on to a different one) but for now, all of you are miserable. A geri psych is probably best, but other doctors can prescribe effective meds