First Visit MC - traumatized

kblau

Moved mom in 10 days ago to MC unit close to my home from an AL further away. I’ve had no communication with her since the director advised me not too. (Had her cell phone at first but she called the cops when we weren’t answering.) Director told us it would be okay to visit today bc it’s grandparents day and they are celebrating with activities. Brought my husband and 4 year old. Sister and her 2 kids joined later.

I am so heartbroken. She cried the whole times. Begging me to take her home. Telling us she wants to die. Telling me not to do this to her. That she has chest pain (had nurse check her out at that point. I know it’s her anxiety). Idk I have so many mixed feelings. I want to just take her to my house now. And get a live in aide. It was so unsettling to be there and to see people walking around how they were. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here I just don’t know if I can do this. I can’t imagine visiting her again. And she’s only 72!

M1

Kblau I'm so sorry and so empathize. It's still very early days. It was over a year before I could visit my partner on a regular basis and really only improved after we changed facilities. I hate these Hallmark holiday special occasions because they make you feel like you have to be there.

Talk to the staff tomorrow. Ask how she is doing when you're not there. You may still need to wait a while before you visit again, and if you do, don't go alone, and stay in public areas. Take a treat of some sort with you (I used to take picnic lunches on Sundays).

most of all, give it time and don't second guess yourself.

kblau

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222263#Comment_222263

thank you for your response. What is it like now for you when you go?

NizhoniGrrl

I’m so sorry. Reading your previous posts it seems like a lot has gone down for everyone in a short time. Don’t beat yourself up. Use your own senses to determine if this is the right place for her, don’t rely too heavily on her judgment since it is clear her perception is very flawed. I’m not sure I would bring a child to visit until she is more adjusted. Her behaviors and those of other residents might be too erratic and scary for a small child and stress you even more.

AmandaF

This sounds super upsetting and l also empathize. I agree about asking the staff how she is when you’re not there - most likely she’s less agitated, and will continue to adjust. It’ll take time, and medication can also help. Buspirone seems to have helped my mom a lot - took the edge off her anxiety but didn’t make her a zombie.

It might also be better not to take the kids to visit for a little while - I told mine that Grandma was still getting used to the place, it’s a big adjustment, and we’ll be able to visit after she’s been there a little while. After 3+ months we can now visit, though we still have to scoot out quickly when it’s time to go because she always thinks she’s coming with us (and now wants to bring along her new special friend, also a resident!).

It’s a difficult process but as you and she start to trust the staff, it’ll get better.

mabelgirl

I can imagine the pull at your heart strings with such a visit and send prayers of comfort. I haven’t, PTL, experienced what you have but having read your previous post just wanted to offer words of encouragement in this tough journey. I know the second guessing our decisions as I did that right up to the day mom moved into AL. I had to have a serious hard honest talk with myself that I was doing what was best for everyone involved.

M1

Kblau I'm glad to tell you that visiting is much much easier now that she's in later stages (she is in fact in hospice now). I go daily to help her eat lunch, she is always glad to see me now and very loving. She doesn't know where she is or why she is there, has no sense of time, still talks about wanting to leave and about dying. But much more peaceful now than it used to be. Sleeps a lot, so easy to slip in and out without telling her i am leaving. We're in our third year. So two weeks is truly so so early.

kblau

thank you for your comments. All so very helpful. I’m processing a lot from the visit. What upset me the most at first was seeing her so unkept. I hate even writing this but she smelled. And I know how difficult she is and I knew she refused her last shower. But it’s not okay. It was shocking.

Then the emotional ‘get me out of here!’ Was nothing like how she was with me 4 months ago when I put her in AL. This was desperate. Fear. Sobbing.

New psych saw her this week and stopped the Wellbutrin and Xanax she was on. So now she is only on lexapro 20mg. As I shared on another post the Wellbutrin was added on 2 months ago in AL and then small dose Xanax daily about a month ago bc of the anxiety. Psych agrees this is bringing her up and down.

Her sadness and grief breaks my heart. She’s been through so much and has so much unresolved PTSD (hijacking in the 80s, trauma from losing my dad 10 years ago and much more). It’s just a bad situation and I know her history isn’t helping.

Thank you all so much for being here and listening. I kept refreshing every break I could get after posting earlier. I was panicking. 🙏

Lucy C

First—big virtual hugs! I can only imagine how hard this is.

You say your mom was already in assisted living, so she was not living with you when this move occurred. It sounds like she had built her scaffolding around her AL home, but needed more services than they could provide, and is now completely disoriented by the move. At least in the middle stages of the disease, the PWD becomes very very attached to anything familiar, and because of the brain's damage, their ability to adapt can be poor.

I assume she has a room where she can have some of her own belongings. If there are things you know she is particularly attached to, that aren't there, try dropping them off for the staff to give to her, to make the place seem more like "hers." Give her time to become acquainted with staff members. If you talk with the staff and find that she's having trouble adjusting all around, and if the director (and/or facility doctor) agrees, you might try ordering an herbal supplement called Calm Tabs. It's not as strong as some of the regular medications, but it has been known to take the edge off of emotional stress for many people.

It is also possible that this is just not the right facility, but only time will tell. In the meantime, please do very seriously consider some grief counseling for yourself. You are going to need the additional support to get through this.

❤️

Victoriaredux

People aren't plants but transplant stress does happen in nature:

"The last step in a successful transplant process is patience! Some trees take two or more years to get rid of all their stress symptoms. Occasionally, it can even take up to 5 years for trees to fully recover.

In most cases, it takes a year or so for trees to shake off transplant shock." (Source : Davey https://tinyurl.com/27faapyw

When we make a move we plan and expect the change , a PWD has done neither and doesn't have the resources to process the change intellectually so emotions govern their behaviors. And, sad reminder, it is a fatal progressive disease , nothing can change that.

Your Mom needed to be "repotted" for future safety and both your healths, give it time .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_X2Xd1iOmM&ab_channel=asw88

kblau

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222290#Comment_222290

thank you

kblau

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222285#Comment_222285

thank you for the suggestions. I bought CBD off someone’s suggestions but idk if they will give them to her without prescription. Seems like even OTC needs scripts for this place.

And yes fortunately I’ve been in therapy for years and added EMDR treatment once my mother was diagnosed. 💜