Daughter to Mother with Dementia, just moved from the Lebanon to Los Angeles

SabaSadr

My mother, almost 79, was diagnosed in November 2020. We've had to move out of our home of 20+ years in order to make a new life here. The move has been really hard on both of us, especially her. My dad had to stay behind until he can get his visa to move in with us. Her body is suddenly failing to do simple things, she refuses to do routine tasks she used to do, and she broke down crying after just starting to brush her teeth. I (almost 38) have been caring and loving her all I can, but I have my own mental issues and I just flatline or clock out when I can't do more. I have a few family members who may be able to help, but all "new" presences just causes more anxiety for mom, which in turn causes more anxiety for me. She is a US Citizen and we're still waiting for her medicare, medicaid etc. to be sorted out. I don't know what I can do for her while we wait. I'm physically distant from my primary community and family and all of the adjusting and setting up life things just feels like too much right now. My mother just wants to sleep and be left alone until she needs help with using the bathroom, eating, cleaning and so on. I can't leave her and I can't take time to cope. I was "fine" just moments ago, and right now I'm failing to do anything. Please help.

SDianeL

so sorry about your Mom. First priority is meet with an Elder Care attorney. If you do not have a power of attorney. She should already have Medicare but they don’t pay for care. Medicaid does but she has to financially qualify. That’s where an attorney can help. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Tam Cummings videos are also good. Learn all you can about caring for someone with dementia. It will make you feel more in control. Contact the County Aging organization. Call the toll free number on this Alzheimer’s website at the top for more resources and an online support group. We understand how you feel. It’s overwhelming. Just take one thing at a time. You will need to show her how to do things. She has forgotten.

SabaSadr

Thank you so so much for your care and insightful response. It hadn't occured to me that I should look for an elder law attorney (was asking around/looking for a lawyer for POA, just wasn't sure what speciality). If you or anyone have a firm or person you could recommend, I would appreciate it. For the time being just using Google as reference.

Thankfully Medicaid will be on the way soon with the help of a Socal Worker. Only a few hurdles left until we can request it. But also great that an attorney can help out/advise on this.

I actually have a digital copy of The 36 Hour Day. I was warned that nothing will quite prepare me for things to come and (like with my post above) I panic when when there's a first-time situation. Hopefully there's something in there about navigating with an affected relative while alone.

And thanks again for all of your advice. It helped me quite a lot to respond a little rationally to your post.

BrownB1996

First of all, I am so sorry that this is happening! I am glad to hear your social worker has been helping you navigate the healthcare world; it is so exhausting to deal with Medicaid/Medicare.

It is especially important that you stay on top of your own physical/mental health as much as possible; if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of mom. That's the primary caregiver's worst nightmare. I'm proud of you for having the self-awareness and that you can identify what you are experiencing; that is a very crucial first step. Next step is to find coping skills to help get you out of those low moments. Talk with your doctor about what medications you could try, or if you're already on something, what adjustments could be made.

If having multiple people in the home at one time is too much, try having just one at a time come by. Try this a day or two out of the week, at different times of the day, for two weeks and take notes on if there are any changes to her behaviors. The anxiety your mother is displaying is completely normal but can be extremely overwhelming for both of you. There may be other ways for those family members to help; make a list of other things that you need and present them with options. People generally want to help but are unsure how to be helpful, so you as a caregiver can take the lead and let them choose what they feel most comfortable doing.

And lastly, remember that you are doing the absolute best that you can, and you are an amazing daughter ❤️

Victoriaredux

The Alz Assoc has a help line : "Get Help and Support, Day or Night

The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."

People have reported back they have gotten great advise , and support.

FYI your Mom isn't refusing , she probably just can't remember or have an interest in doing stuff anymore .

Lawyer leads: NELF.ORG

They are pricey- your local council on aging or the social worker may be able to provide you with other options.

Take care . Hope you are safe from the fires.

AlzWife2023

In terms of feeling fine one minute and frozen the next, I feel it too & I have already sorted the Medicaid and other stuff. I know how you’re feeling. It’s important to just slow down and lower your expectations of yourself & mom to the bare minimum. That means if you’re taking care of basic safety and needs day to day you are OK! Definitely get help from friends and family in ways that work for you. Be flexible & creative & easy on yourself!

Maybe someone can sit in the next room while mom rests and she won’t even know you’re gone so you can take a walk or run an errand.

To stay calm, listen to nice music or watch a funny TV show…something relaxing…by yourself or with her & give yourself time to adjust to this new reality.

Sending best wishes!