New Here: Dad still driving, working, making treatment decisions, but also raging....

mymouse

Hi Everyone, I am new here and just looking for support to help my brain from melting. My dad a 78, in good general health. An Engineer/Scientist who is still working in his field. Lives with wife, drives, manages finances, invests, travels, etc. He has been diagnosed with either early dementia or Alzeheimer's (depending on the md)... has seen/is working with the best providers at MGH and Brighams in Boston... He has always had a quick temper (loud, argumentative, irritable), but now has become rageful and nasty and won't de-escalate for hours (I am a pro at de-escalation, mental health professional and also been his daughter a long time)... Twice in the past 6 months strangers have intervened when he has been yelling at me in the street (in front of my small children). This degree of rage and being intentionally nasty is new. He has also begun to be a bit fiesty with the kids. He refuses to take the SSRI he has been prescribed for this because he "might" experience side effects. How can I not be angry? This is only going to get worse and he won't be bothered to take that medication (but he does take many others), just in case...

1) how do I stay sane? Not get consumed by anger? Not be consumed by grief? Not spend hours trying to have reasonable discussions with him when he is really just trying to taunt me into a rage fest. Help. I am losing my mind a bit ...
2) keep my kids safe. so far I have had to implement the rule that if he gets feisty I have to ask him to leave. This happens 1 out of every 2 visits.

(for emotional context he is my only living relative, and while we have always had a complicated relationship we have always been really close)

[His wife loves him but from an objective perspective is not a reliable ally because she has her own very specific agenda of doing everything very under the radar. Even though she worked as a geriatric nurse/nurse manager for 20+ year, and knows he has a terror of dementia (we have a family history), and had promised in front of me to tell him if she ever noticed anything, she elected not to tell my father about the symptoms she initially noticed for many Many months (before me of course since they live together). Once I noticed symptoms and told him (pretty delayed because I had newborns and was busy with that,) he said I was making it up since his wife hadn't said anything. (And yes, I have a lot of guilt for missing those early symptoms). I spoke to her to find out what her experience was, but she said she would only talk to me if I promised not to tell him we spoke, so he wouldn't feel betrayed? This delayed him getting assessed by almost a year because I was the only one saying anything. I can't imagine what she is or isn't sharing when she attends his appointments. But she isn't a great ally, because she again isn't saying much of anything about what she sees or experiences. And yes, I am judging her, but it is mostly because she is really mean,in general, and has a cover her ass mentality which is at stupid odds with my try to take care of every stray puppy POV. I can't even get a clear medical picture because they/he will only provide me with parts of the medical assessments/notes, and only by reading me snippets. Which is also mind bending because I arranged all of the providers and I have shared medical proxy with his wife. I do understand he wants autonomy. I just don't want to be screamed at for hours, either in public or in private. I am a mess. Thanks.]