My LO has FTD and struggles with accepting support

RGH8968

We have important financial and other things that need to be resolved and my LO can’t seem to get anything done herself and refuses to let me take on the tasks. How can I convince her to accept the situation and let me take control? Just reminding her and getting her to write things down hasn’t worked. Now she is getting frustrated with me bringing things up every day or so and is shutting me out. I need ideas p,ease

Goodlife2025

I had to take on the financials one by one without discussing with my DW. She hardly even noticed, rarely even asks about a bill or other financial obligation anymore, and I am actually surprised at how quickly this became a non issue. For most things it seems if I just start taking them on without discussion, there is far less conflict.

HollyBerry

Welcome, and, sorry you have to be here with us. I don't have any experience with FTD, but for my partner with Alzheimers, it sometimes works better if I can blame it on someone else. Example - "the Geriatrics team said you need to have a visit with your primary because you haven't been there in a couple years," or "we need to go to the bank and do these things before we can bring your tax papers to the accountant." It's not ME telling her what to do! it's the "other." She will still get snarky and tell me she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to do what I tell her, but she's pretty good with her sense of obligation to others.

Re accepting the situation and giving up control: can you reframe that? accepting the situation is HARD and maybe she won't get to that point any time soon. Letting someone else take control is REALLY HARD! Letting someone else "help" is slightly easier. With my mom, we went through the motions of involving her in things long past the point when she really cared, but it was a sign of respect.

Re the stuff you need to get done now: can you offer to help project manage a little? break the big things into smaller things? Ask if she wants you to help organize the tax papers, then ask specfically if you can sit down on Tuesday night for an hour and go through the mail together? Find a checklist from some tax preparer (just an example) and let that checklist drive the tasks, so it's not you.

Not sure if any of this will be helpful to you, but maybe to someone else. Good luck! let us know what works.

CampCarol

I’m with ‘Goodlife2025’ above. I just started taking on the smaller items and slowly moved onto everything else. If DH asked, I just said that was done the other day or last week, whatever I thought he would accept. And he did. I now handle everything. Every once in a while he will ask me about a bill or something - I just say it’s taken care of.

Also, you don’t mention what your relationship to your LO is (nor do you need to), but you should probably be thinking of POA documentation sooner rather than later.

SDianeL

First get an DPOA. Tell your LO that both of you are getting them done in case anything happens to either of you. Are the things done online? If so, change the password and don’t give it to your LO. Learn to fib. Tell your LO you are working on it. If they come in the mail, get the mail before your LO does. You should take control. There are horror stories of dementia patients losing all their savings or being scammed. Get a low limit credit card.