New here. Overwhelmed

wordsmithJen

I’m caring for my dad, 84. He’s at home. Still able to walk, bathe, use the bathroom and dress by himself. He gets so depressed, though. Just hangs his head almost to his chest. He often thinks we are at a home that looks like his, but it isn’t. He is getting more and more assertive when talking to me.

I just needed to tell someone who understands.

Ms Meg

I completely understand the helplessness of wanting to help your parent when they are overwhelmed by changes. My Dad is 94, has dementia and has been in the same place as your Dad. One of the things that helped us was looking at old pictures. My Dad liked cars, so I got a book of old cars, mostly pictures, not a lot of reading. He loved reminiscing about cars he had, or his parents had. Sometimes I would mention something about his job and he would talk forever about it. People with dementia have short term memory issues and struggling to remember current events, places and things made him anxious, confused and upset. I also learned from a very wise friend who had been her father's caretaker and lived with his dementia, was never correct him when he says something that's not entirely correct. It only makes them feel worse. If its not something that causes harm, then dont be concerned with trying to make him remember it correctly. If my Dad commented on the yellow sky and blue sun, well then, it was the most beautiful blue sun and yellow sky we'd ever seen! Hang in there!

H1235

Have you talked with his doctor about medication? Many say I don’t want my lo to be a zombie. The right medication will not turn him to a zombie. I also agree with ms Meg. Rule number 1- the person with dementia is always right. Correcting or trying to reason with them is never going to work out well. I know first hand this is easier said than done, but I try.

harshedbuzz

@wordsmithJen

It sounds like time to ask about medication.

By "assertive" do you mean he's coming off as irritable or agitated? Depression, especially in men, can look like edginess or even anger. Medication could help dial that back.

PWD are no longer able to initiate and maintain activities that entertain them. Your dad might benefit from a day program for PWD that offers structure, socialization and failure-free activities.

HB

Regina312

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, but you are not alone when visiting this site. We all are going through it or have already been there. My Mom passed 10 years ago from this horrific disease. It is heartbreaking. This organization and support group helped me through it all. This is why I continue to share thoughts with the hopes that I now can provide some help and comfort to others. Agitation is a big part of the disease. The right medication can help, but I agree with those who state that they don't want their loved ones to become "zombied out". You are at the early stages, so enjoy these moments with your dad while you can. What I found helped with my Mom and depression at this stage was taking her outside for fresh air. We would sometimes go for a ride, or go to the park, or walk around the yard or sit outside … even in winter, I would bundle her up and just get her outside for a little bit. Since your dad is still functioning, dressing, bathing, etc., if there is something that the two of you can do together - play a game, or watch a movie, or share a conversation … keeping him busy and engaged in something also helps with the progression. My Mom's doctor advised to keep her eating and moving as much as possible. So that's what I did for as long as I could. I wish you well and will pray for your strength.

BryanStockman

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72590/new-here-overwhelmed

BryanStockman

I totally understand my parents live with my wife and His anger about moving into our house lasted for a couple months we can’t even mention his old house

he’s had hallucinations and can’t remember anything from ten minutes ago but he still thinks he can live by himself

I have had to refuse my older brother to visit without a social worker because he just agrees with dad that he can live alone

Which just makes dad mad again

The only thing he remembers is why he’s mad

I never new this was going to be so hard and my mental health is suffering badly

I doubt I’ve been any help but you’re not alone

J_iffy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72590/new-here-overwhelmed

My Mom still lives at home. I live with her and work full time and she's 84. She can still dress and clean up and use the bathroom. She's trying to make appointments with different repair people to fix broken things in our house but is very overwhelmed and depressed because she doesn't remember when she set up the appointments. I'm right there with you. I understand what you're going through.

JulietteBee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238971#Comment_238971

This!!! 💙🩷💙

Maybe I need meth to help speed up my learning of this lesson.(lol) I literally fail at this DAILY, some times multiple times per day.

"Rule number 1- the person with dementia is always right. Correcting or trying to reason with them is never going to work out well. I know first hand this is easier said than done, but I try."

Makeitthru11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239238#Comment_239238

Your words are a strength to me because my mom is 88 with dementia now, and she is very strong-willed. I moved in with her, and she never lets me forget that this is her house. I'm grown, she talks and treats me as if I were her little girl again. It changes from day to day. She is in a stage where everything I say, she thinks I'm arguing with her, because I was in a verbally abusive marriage, and I just don't want to go through that again. I just go to my room and she goes to her room. I feel bad, but I just don't know without confronting her, so I leave the situation. Usually, I wait until she's had a moment and bring her favorite snack to her, and by then, she's in a better frame of mind. Dementia can be very mean and difficult to deal with because you never know how your loved ones are going to act. I'm new to this journey, but I'm not going anywhere. I will just tough it out and be the best me I know how to be.