New Here & Just Trying To Keep Up

ErinGrace

I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed and alone, and I’m so thankful to have found this group. I’m 29 and live in Georgia. My mom is 65, lives alone in Florida, and was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My parents are divorced, and my sister isn’t able to help due to her own challenges. My mom’s brother offered support when she was having some issues but is grieving his wife and easily overwhelmed so I haven't told him about the diagnosis yet. Thankfully, my mom’s best friend and neighbor have stepped in to help with appointments and paperwork. My dad is helping with legal matters as we prepare for elder care support — but even starting that process has been terrifying. I know my mom will eventually need to go into a home, and I want her to have the best care and be close to me here in Georgia. But I live in Atlanta, and everything is so expensive. I’m really starting to worry about how it will all work. I’m grateful for the support I do have, but I get flooded with texts and calls throughout the workday with updates — and even though people mean well, it overwhelms me and I feel awful even saying that out loud. There’s just so much to manage: bills, accounts, insurance, home repairs, finances, appointments, and more… and my mom keeps changing her passwords. I'm trying to keep up but I'm drowning. I feel numb, sad, and stressed but too overwhelmed to even process it. I don't have anyone in my life who I can talk to about this that understands and that's the hardest part. If anyone has tips on how to stay organized or how to prioritize when everything feels urgent, or any other advice I would really really appreciate it.

dayn2nite2

As I recommended to another poster in this forum, professional help in the form of therapy would be helpful here, because you need coping skills in order to continue on.

I will tell you now that you do need to prepare yourself that you will be the sole person taking care of your mother's affairs, because the neighbor will tire of doing all they are doing and so will your father.

Because of the cost of placement, she may end up having to move to Georgia if their Medicaid process is easier, but you will have to shoulder that application process since her current assistance is in Florida.

I am not sure what your sister's challenges are in preventing her from assistance, but unless she is disabled, I would suggest therapy for her also - again for coping skills in dealing with being the caregiver/advocate for someone who is cognitively impaired. Somehow, someone will need to step up and be responsible, and your mother's friend and your dad do not have any legal responsibility to do that.

ARIL

Yes, it’s awfully hard, and yes, the people on this forum really do understand. I don’t have your exact situation, but a lot of what you say is very familiar to me: the sense of overwhelm, the frustration about the constant, well-meaning but unhelpful calls and texts, the sheer quantity of things to be done from another state, the worry about cost. Very, very familiar. (I was managing my father’s declining situation from several states away; he is near me now and his house is sold, and although that was a super-heavy lift and the dementia is getting increasingly worse, things overall are so much easier now.)

A few observations:

After I became DPOA, I created an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all the bills; I created a new email address through which to manage my father’s business; I sent all the online account info. through that. I kept lists of the good repair companies in my dad’s location: plumber, HVAC, electrician. etc. I communicated with his doctor via MyChart and phone. When visiting, and over time, I went to every bank, insurance agent, etc. to show my DPOA document in person and to meet people. My dad lived in a small town, and from time to time I really needed help or basic advice. These people came through for me and for him.

Also, I eventually gave his neighbor’s phone number a special ringtone on my phone, so I could know it was her and could call back at my own convenience; I had to quit responding promptly to every text message. Saying “I am busy at work during the day” just resulted in a barrage of phone calls and texts at 5:00 pm. I wish I could tell you that I have a good solution for that one. It really only stopped after I moved my dad and sold the house.

For a while I hired some in-home assistance. I had much better luck with an agency than with a private person. The agency handled their own employee taxes, vacation coverage, etc. (The person I hired privately was texting me up to 20 times in a 4-hour shift and sometimes just didn’t show up for work. It was hard even to know what she was doing because I was far away.)

I wish you all the best. This is really, really hard. Don’t try to do everything at once. That is not possible. Work on what matters most. You will get to other things in time.

Helpmyauntie

Hello,

First let me say, you are a wonderful daughter and that your are doing your best! 2nd, feeling overwhelmed is normal. Please find a way to take care of yourself first- yoga, walks, whatever activity makes you feel whole. If you don't have one, please find one.

You can only take one thing at a time.

This message is also for myself, because I too deal with the overwhelming feelings you mention.

I don't have all the answers most days, talking with family is tough, and watching your loved one struggle is the pits.

Just keep doing your best!