Mom and Dad with Alzheimer’s

JessiSue

About a year ago, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Last week, so was my dad. They live independently together about 15 minutes from me, my husband and our 15 year old son.

We knew something was wrong long before Dad’s diagnosis…but by the time we got his cooperation and finally got him to a doctor as a new patient, his dementia had progressed beyond mom’s. My husband and I have taken over much, like the finances and doctor appointments, but she still drives, still buys groceries… and Dad just got his keys taken away.

I don’t know how to articulate the complexity of our situation, which is is exponentially complicated by their relationship with each other. It’s tough. Dad is mean when he’s angry, paranoid or depressed, which is now quite often. Mom is extremely sensitive, hates making decisions, and will do anything to avoid confrontation and to keep Dad happy with her, which he rarely is. Their toxicity isn’t new, but now it’s unavoidable and becoming more and more difficult to deal with when trying to make important decisions. And as my husband and I find ourselves alone and neck deep in a world we know nothing about, I am terrified we’ll never be prepared for any of what is to come. I am embarrassed to say here that whatever is coming is something I know very little about. I know even less about available resources. I don’t think I have ever been more afraid or more sad.

SusanB-dil

Hi JessiSue - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Paperwork in order is important. DPOA and HIPAA accesses. Also check on senior services resources in your area. You can always call the alz line and ask for caregiver assistance - 800-273-3900

Your dad could probably use some meds to dial back that aggression. Could you get some assistance for them? Especially the driving issue.

This is a lot on your plate. Sorry you are dealing with 'this'.

Jojocriner

You are not alone. I came to this group for the same reason because I don't know where to start. My Father has Alzheimers and bladder cancer. He is sad, confused and giving up on life. My mom can't deal with it and is very mean to him. I have a lot of decisions to make and I don't know what to do. I just retired and didn't expect this. I love him so much and want to help him any way that I can. I hope it brings you comfort knowing that you aren't alone.

H1235

Welcome. Getting legal documents in order needs to be a top priority if not done yet. I have heard that once someone is diagnosed with dementia their car insurance may not cover them if there is an accident. Something you might want to check into. I can’t really imagine your mom is going to be able to manage your dad, given his anger (not unusual by the way) and your mom’s diagnosis. I would suggest looking into assisted living facilities (hopefully that is a financial option for them). There can be a waiting list. Medicaid qualifications and what is actually covered can vary by state and it’s complicated. You may want to see an attorney. I have attached some general resources I have found helpful.

This is a great staging tool. Use it to get a feel for where they are at and what might be to come.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

This is a great article to help you understand what is happening.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/1/understanding-the-dementia-experience#hlangandcommun

This is a guide to managing finances as a DPOA.

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/consumer-tools/managing-someone-elses-money/

lisn2cats

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243036#Comment_243036

The staging tool is enlightening…I see so many of the Stage 4 symptoms with my mom and she's definitely slowly creeping into stage 5. TY for this useful reference!

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry about your Mom and Dad. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search for Tam Cummings videos online. They will help you help them. This is the place for help and support. Come back often. 💜

Quilting brings calm

I’ve been here, done this…. And have the emotional scars to prove it. My suggestions to you:

Get the paperwork - legal and financial POAs and medical POAs, in addition to what you’ve done with the finances. Accept that your dad may fight you-,try to phrase it as you will deal with the insurance companies, etc but they won’t talk to you without him sitting there without the POA. That argument didn’t work with my step-dad, but I made sure I had all the checkbooks

Start your plan B planning. Do your best to get them moved into AL no further away than what they are now. Mom really should not be driving. They should be able to live in the same apartment

AL will provide meals, laundry, housekeeping, transport to grocery stores, outings, onsite activities, an on-site nurse, 24/7 staff. Possibly included or a extra fee: Medication management and shower help when needed. Your mom can dial back on being a caregiver, leave the apartment and hang out in the common room with ‘the girls’. Dad can get extra attention from the staff, maybe find a guy friend there, flirt with the ladies.
I couldn’t have taken care of my mom( who sounds like yours except she quit driving) and my opinionated, stubborn, selfish &$@“ of a step-dad without the AL. He lived there 4.5 years, and she made it to 5 years. They were married just shy of 60 unhappy years

This is a marathon not a sprint, you have to protect your physical, emotional, mental, marital and family health. Take vacations - the Al can handle things while you are gone

harshedbuzz

@JessiSue

Cobbling onto what others have said.

Your mom should not be driving. Full stop. If you can't trust her to manage her bills and investments, you can't trust her driving. Dad's diagnosing neurologist stopped his driving, but both parents were resistant. I confirmed with their insurance agent that dad would be covered and was told any diagnosis of dementia voided the coverage. Aside from the guilt you'd justifiably feel if mom injured or killed someone, they could lose assets in a lawsuit with a dementia diagnosis in the medical record. And there's a real risk that whoever is her POA could also be held liable in the event she kills/injured someone who damages property.

Theres a phenomenon of scaffolding in which spouses tend to enhance the function of one another even if they're both cognitively impaired. If one of them is hospitalized or predeceases the other, you can expect the remaining parent to have a drop in their day-to-day baseline of ADLs. This means you need a Plan B in your back pocket. I would tour both SNFs and MCFs to pick those you'd use in the event you need to and get on waiting lists if needed.

The personalities of PWD often become more of what they already are. This will have an impact of their already toxic dynamic. Dad's irritability and paranoia may be a function of depression and anxiety and might respond well to medication. At this stage of the game, your mom shouldn't be walking on eggshells. She might benefit from some medication for anxiety as well.

I would consider placement now or in the near future. It's sounds as if dad needs a MCF and mom might be OK for now in an AL. Perhaps you could find a place that offers both and place each accordingly. They could still see one another but mom wouldn't be charged with his care and subject to his moods.

HB