Anger

cakilmee

My mom, 73, is diabetic, in congestive heart failure, and dementia. She started having memory issues a few years back following diabetic keto acidosis followed by Covid. Her memory has continued to deteriorate and her regular practitioner has diagnosed dementia, she refuses to see a specialist. She has extreme mood swings and is verbally abusive. My dad is at home, 75, but has had his own health issues recently and in recovery from bypass surgery. Her mood swings have been very hard on my dad and I worry for his recovery. My mom does not take her medications as prescribed and then just stops altogether and when asked about this it triggers an anger response. She does not recognize her decline and absolutely refuses the idea of a care facility. I am at a loss on what I can do to support my dad, his recovery, as well as my mom and her declining health.

Feeling helpless.

SDianeL

Welcome. Sorry about your Mom. Do you have POA? If so you may need to make the decision to place your mom in memory care. She doesn’t understand she has a disease. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. She needs daily help taking her meds. It’s not safe for her to be with your Dad if he’s not able to care for her. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. If you don’t have POA it will be more difficult to have her placed. I would speak with an Elder law Attorney. Also speak with her doctor to prescribe medication for her anxiety and agitation. Her mood swings are caused by the dementia. Search online for a chart that shows the 7 stages of dementia so you can understand what the future may hold. As the disease progresses your Dad will not be able to care for her. That may happen quickly so please don’t wait. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you’re going through.

H1235

There will not come a day when your mom says, ok it’s time for a facility now. That decision is for you and your dad (if he is able) to make. Caring for your mom is going to make your dads recovery hard. Just his life. We want our loved ones save and happy. Unfortunately with dementia sometimes we can’t have both and safe has to trump happy. Although it doesn’t really sound like she is happy now either. Medication can help, but not all doctors are willing to prescribe them and it can take a bit to find the right ones and the right dose. I would make up any story that you think will work to get her in to someone that can prescribe the medication she needs. Insurance requires this check up, it’s just routine. Never tell her the actual reason for the specialist, this will just make her angry. I found sending the doctor a note using the patient portal works great. Bringing her anger issues up in front of her will not go well ( I’ve learned this the hard way). I hope someone has the DPOA.

harshedbuzz

@cakilmee

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

It's difficult when your parents' needs run counter to what's best for each of them individually. There might be more clarity about next steps if you can define what support dad looks like. As the spouse in this situation, what does dad want?

Does he want her to be calmer in order that she can remain at home with him as her primary caregiver? If that's the case, your next move is medication to help dial back the anxiety and agitation that drives her difficult moods swings. A good geriatric psychiatrist can be invaluable for prescribing psychoactive medications to calm a PWD without sedating them. If you're considering placement, she will likely need medication prior for acceptance into a memory care community.

Once she calmer, could a day program a few days a week provide him enough respite to continue for now? Would in-home aides allow him time to himself or would mom fight that? We brought aides in around the time of mom's TKR and presented the aides as "doctor's orders for mom". Dad adjusted and eventually found one he clicked with and it gave mom some time to attend to her own needs. Could you give dad a regularly scheduled weekly day to take mom out and give him a break?

Or has he reached the point where he wants to place her? If this is the case, you could tour local facilities to get a sense of what might work for mom and gather information on rates and room availability to narrow down options for him to tour and decide.

Her anosognosia is going to prevent her from appreciating how impaired she is around her ability to be independent. And the loss of executive function that happens early in dementia means she can't be reasoned with. Your dad needs to make a decision for her and then you can help him implement it. She isn't even going to agree she's ready for MC and she will likely be very angry for sometime as she adjusts to her new surroundings and care team. Most folks here create a fiblet as to why their LO is in MC. We took dad telling him it was a second opinion and that the doc sent him to rehab to get stronger. Others have created tales of the house being tented for termites or the sewer main being repaired resulting in a stay at a "senior hotel" for now.

Do they have the legal paperwork in order to make this happen? Is dad her DPOA giving him the right and responsibility for making decisions for her? Are you dad's POA in the event he needs someone to act on his behalf; mom's no longer up to that task.

You personally need a robust Plan B. One third of caregivers die before the person they're caring for. If dad is unable to care for mom or make decisions because of death or illness, you will need to arrange care for mom on-the-fly.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

chiming in to say I’m so sorry you are facing this, but so glad you found this site. I got so much help here from people who know what they are talking about.

Very good advice in the posts above 👆, but I’ll add that getting the POA and finances in order now is key. It will be so much easier when they are still living independently and at home. Try to have these conversations in an easy environment. If your dad is the one who is more lucid, see if you can find time to have lunch away from your mom. Or, you can just say you’re getting your own stuff in order and want to do it as part of that process. The whole package (POA, medical POA, will) is not that expensive.

as for the behavior, as others have said your best bet is finding a way to get your mom to a doctor via “fiblets.” Since she already has the dementia diagnosis you may be able to get some medication prescribed that could really help. Medication REALLY helped my mom and did not turn her into a zombie.

Post any time you need support. You’ve found a good place.