Days Out for MC Resident?

ARIL

My dad has been in MC for about a year and is now about stage 5/6. We have brought him to our house for a meal and a visit of a few hours most weekends in good weather (no overnights). Mostly this has been OK. He likes the food, and hosting him in our home gives me some sense of satisfaction. He has put up very little resistance to going back “home” to MC, partly because our house is a place where he never lived, only visited. I say, “You promised the people where you live that you’ll be there for dinner at 5:00.” He still has a strong sense of responsibility.

I always figured we would have to stop doing these home visits at some point as the disease progressed. I’m wondering whether we’re nearing that point, and how I can tell.

Last weekend there was a major incontinence issue, and I had to help him shower in an unsafe shower (no grab bars). I did have Depends and clean clothes for him, since I provide supplies and do a lot of his laundry. And with my help he did not slip. He was not too distressed, and I wasn’t either. This is only the second time this has happened.

This weekend he was continent, but his anxiety level was so high I wondered what had happened. We always do repetitive questions, but today that was all we did, with retention of 5-10 seconds. He was occasionally weepy. Efforts to distract were fruitless. He was far more irritable than I’ve ever seen. When he returned to the MCF, he had no memory of having left, and he asked when he could see where I lived, since he’d never been there.

But he did enjoy the meal (esp. ice cream for dessert), and he was comfortable with my family and me. No memory of it later, but in the moment he experienced a little pleasure.

So: When do I talk to the MC nurse (or his PCP) about anxiety, and what do I say so they won’t leap to an excess of meds? He is taking Seroquel after an aggressive outburst, but has not been for long.

How do I decide whether the days out are good for him or not? How do I know if even a calm trip out is too challenging?

The MCF has a fair bit of programming, which he mostly does not attend. These days out have felt to me like something positive I can do for him, but I only want to do it if they actually are positive. I am in year 5 of this journey (with major ups and downs), but experience doesn’t mean clarity.

Thanks for listening.

SDianeL

it’s a tough question. I think if you’re asking because of his behaviors it may be time. Can you join him for dinner at the MCF instead? Can you plan it so he just comes for dinner and then you take him back right away? Anxiety is common and so is sadness and crying. Something may trigger those behaviors like change of scenery. He doesn’t remember your house or that he’s been there before so that may cause anxiety. So sorry. I know this is difficult. 💜

weareallunique

Change of scene is very stressful as PWD have trouble handling the processing of new images , light levels ,sounds etc..

It is hard for us to not think how bored we would be seeing the same old ,same old but for PWDs that is soothing.

Sadly, the emotions from the changes can last while the memory of being somewhere or seeing some one doesn't stick. We may have "that nagging feeling" when we forgot something but seeing soap on the shelf at the store makes us go-"right - that's what I needed" but folks with dementia - seems like the nagging feeling can stay unresolved and that can be distressful.

Maybe just bring him the special treats at the home . Removes the chance one or both of you get hurt in a shower mishap.

harshedbuzz

Behavior is communication.

He may have progressed to a point that leaving the MCF is producing anxiety for some reason. He may have moments where he doesn't recognize some of the people at your house, for instance. Or maybe he doesn't have the stamina to be away from his place for the length of a dinner.

If the MCF has a private space, you could host a dinner there and see how it goes. Or you could bring treats when you visit. I never visited dad empty-handed; I always brought a nice coffee and pastry, a homecooked meal, fast food, ice cream, etc.

HB

SiberianIris

My mom is not in memory care yet, but will be soon. If what you described happened with my mom, it would be a sign to me that days out of MC were at an end. You are to be commended for your efforts in giving your father these outings, but remember that you count too. There is a higher likelihood of him falling when you take him out (getting in and out of cars, uneven ground, etc.). This could injure you as well.

Since his MC offers programming, I would look at the schedule and see what might appeal to him and make a visit out of that. He would probably really enjoy doing it if you're there with him. That would take some pressure off of you having to entertain him.

ARIL

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Next week we’ll join him for a meal at the MCF, which we did regularly in the winter.