Family Visit

Biggles

Our beautiful son, daughter-in-law and two young grandchildren are visiting next week. Staying elsewhere but I'm a stressed wreck already. Our son and wife are the nicest, kindest couple but this situation with his dad (VD and aphasia) is hard for anyone to comprehend, understand and cope with. He knows that his dad is not good but the pressure of being joyful with two young children, having even a casual BBQ (food all over the place), plus throw in a family get together with daughter, son in law and their 3 older boys is giving me stressful sweaty nights. I can't wait for the 3 nights 4 days to be over and yet I want to see our son so badly. He lives 2000kl from us and it's impossible for us to visit. Positive comments on coping with food, sleep and timing and anything else would be so appreciated.

JeriLynn66

Biggles, I'm thinking of you and the pressures you are feeling. In terms of coping with the visit, I would say "KISS". "Keep it simple Sweetheart".

Simple menu with an explanation to the little ones "Grandpa can be messy with his food sometimes because he's sick" if you are fearful of their reaction.

Keep to your own routine schedule for DH as much as possible. If he needs to nap, rest, just take a break from the activities, just do that and tell them " Dad needs to rest now".

Let your DD and DIL take on as much responsibility for meals, clean up and activities as you can.

Let your son and SIL entertain, interact and manage Dad as much as possible.

Be prepared for things to go sideways. You cannot control everything, but you are the expert here in your own home and world.

Most of this sounds so "easier said than done" and it may well be, but I hope you are able to find some moments of joy during this visit. Just do your planning and then let the dread go by the wayside.

"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

I'll be praying for you.

charley0419

great thoughts.

harshedbuzz

@Biggles

It's sad to think that the stress of this upcoming visit has you wishing your life away.

Is your concern that the "invasion" of extra people, especially little kids, will dysregulate him? I know early in dementia dad really enjoyed little kids and would watch them play at the pool when other families came to visit their grandparents in FL. That said, he struggled when he had visitors at the house by the middle stages. At that point, he was borderline shadowing mom and was loathe to have her interacting with others. I traveled to visit my parents solo for quick short visits during which he could be really unpleasant.

I think it's wise for your DS to have arranged for his family to have a place to base the family so that you can be flexible as your DS's mood allows. If DH doesn't enjoy the kids, maybe you and their mom can go do something fun together and have DS stay with his dad. If you DIL is up for it, perhaps you and your son could have an outing with the kids the next day.

I hope you can find some moments of joy in the visit.

HB

marier

I have a DS and DIL with two children who visit from outstate about twice a year. Lots of activity at my house for the time that they are here. My DH is stage 7 and seems to enjoy watching the children play and swim. The children know that GPA's brain is broken.

My DS and DIL do a lot of the work of entertaining the family for me as well as give me a break in doing daily chores or getting things done around the house I can't get done by myself.

THis is what I have done to help with the stress of their visits, I discuss what the schedule will be and what activities are planned for the children. WHat help I need or don't need. I also have medication just in case my DH becomes to agitiated. Communication is essential to me before there visit.

Good Luck and the Serenity prayer helps me tremendously.

Maru

Looking at a similiar situation coming up later this summer. Your message has started me thinking about to handle an upcoming family visit. DH is not quite in stage 4 ALZ but I am 85 with leukemia fatigue. I really need to think about what I can do and what I can't do and have our daughter help me to figure it out so that everyone enjoys the visit.

Timmyd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/246799#Comment_246799

@marier If you don't mind, can you tell me more about the "as needed" medication for agitation you are using? Every agitation medication we have been offered is required once / twice daily. I am very interested in learning more about "as needed" medications for agitation. Thanks.

Bunny whisperer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73390/family-visit

Biggles I hear you on the stress of family get togethers. Christmas 2024 was so stressful with all the family, especially since our grandchildren are all babies. Now we set up small family gatherings with one family at a time so it wont be too overwelming for my DH or myself. Yes it can still upset my DH when the babies cry or screech, but he seems to do better with the smaller gatherings. Perhaps the day of the family gathering have it short and sweet instead of long and drawn out. Prayers for you 💜.

marier

If my DH becomes agitated the Geri Physc. recommended I give him 12.5 mg of trazodone up to 50mg. . This helps takes the edge off for him. It is really the only medication that has worked for his agitation. He does take 50mg of trazodone at night for sleep. I have tried a lot of rx's to help him over the years this Rx seems to work without side effects.

marier

Jazzma

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/246783#Comment_246783

JeriLynn, this is some of the best advice I've heard. As DH progressed, we had fewer visits from family and friends and became isolated. That was good, in a way, because it allowed for a regular routine. When we had visits, I learned to prioritize. The house doesn't have to be spotless, the garden can have weeds, you may have unfolded clothes on the sofa — whatever, those things are not a priority now. Have a mental list of things that would be helpful for them to do, from fixing broken things to mowing the lawn. Prioritize your husband and yourself, there will be time for different family gatherings in the future. Hopefully your guests will understand that their time with him is short, and that you have been shouldering a huge burden of care and anxiety, and try to make things easier for you.

H1235

Large groups can be overwhelming for a person with dementia. At family Christmas gatherings my mil was so confused. I have read the suggestion to bring the person with dementia into a separate room of the house and have family members go in 1 or 2 at a time to visit. This would keep him away from some of the chaos. Even if you did this for part of the visit it might be something to consider. Maybe schedule some things while he normally takes a nap. I think I would be very upfront and honest with your son. Explain that you’re going to need lots of help and that you’re not sure how his dad is going to handle all the people.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73390/family-visit

Hi Biggles, I just want to give you a hug right now and tell you that your son and daughter-in-law are grown ups and can be asked to help and understand the situation. I understand you want everything to be perfect, but your situation is far from perfect. Please explain the situation to them so that they will be prepared. It sounds like you want everything to be "normal" and you can create that environment in an Alz home. Please take care of yourself.

SDianeL

can you cater the food at least the main meals? Use paper plates, etc. Make a list of what needs to be done and who is responsible. Even children can help. Stick to his schedule. Try to relax. I hope you enjoy their visit. 💜

ARIL

You have received a lot of good advice here. May I just reiterate that you can be honest with your grown-up son and daughter and their spouses? You are worried, you need help (be as specific as possible), this visit is really important to you but it will be different from visits in years past.

Am I counting correctly: you will have NINE additional people? That is a lot for anybody, and a PWD may get overwhelmed. Short visits, quiet times, sticking to routines… asking yourself, what is really important? Five years from now, what will my son and daughter remember? That they were with you and Dad. That they helped. That they taught their children what love looks like in the hard times.

Some planning in advance with your adult children—that will go a long way. The past is not coming back, and you have no responsibility to try to make that different. Your grown-up children know this.

Please do try to enjoy your family. Remember that it is a kindness to let them in on the truth.

Quilting brings calm

It sounds as if you want to ‘showtime’- to make it appear that things are normal. Instead I suggest you use this visit to let your family see what you see- to experience what you experience. I know it’s scary to let them see the actual situation, to expose your spouse’s true condition. But you are never going to get the help from them that you need unless they truely see the situation.
Your children can handle their own children. They can handle the meal needs while you continue to care for your spouse. Or they can help with your spouse while you handle the meals.

The visit isn’t going to be normal- because life is no longer normal,

Biggles

Thank you all so much for all the advice and helpful hints. I am actually making notes how to cope. One on one is so different to yes NINE extra people in my DH’s little safe territory and I do want to enjoy having all the family together. Thankyou JerryLynn and all the others; what a lovely big caring family we have on this site. I know I’m not alone on this quest. I can’t make it ‘normal’ ever again can I.

sandwichone123

Oh my! Yes, with nine people, I would definitely schedule one-on-one visits with dh. No more than 2-3 each day, about a half hour. He'll need a safe space to retreat to, and time alone with you (which I know will be hard because you want time alone with them!).

Chammer

I will make one suggestion. If you are picture taking folks, early, early in the visit (the first day within the first few hours would be my suggestion) while the excitement is still there and exhaustion hasn't set in, plan a time for all those family pictures you all may want. You may even want to (flex) schedule it with DS and his family, and DD and her family... "i would like to plan to take family pictures at this time and day. Please let's all get together as a large group then. Love you all so much!" If you have a friend or know someone who is a good photographer, see if they can come and be available to do the pics so no one is being excluded to take the pictures or trying to get everyone arranged. Set it up in central, decent sized area, take some "formals" and some candids (that picture of DH holding grandchild #2s hand as grandchild looks into his face while everyone else is trying to get arranged for the next pic) . That way on day 3 or 4 when DH is tired of company and kids are irritable because they are out of their routine you're not trying to get those "happy" family pics. Not to hide reality but to remember that this was a good and precious time spent with good and precious people.

Biggles

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/246810#Comment_246810

Thank you so much for your care 💕

Biggles

Thankyou Denise.

housefinch

Definitely feel zero guilt about doing what you need to make this visit work. I say this as someone with 2 kids with special needs, 1 with multiple disabilities. My mom loves having a large gathering of family friends for cocktails and food to see us during a visit. I had to be kind but firm to change that plan to 30 minutes with maximum 10 guests and no alcohol. It goes much better! Never feel bad doing what you and your household need 💕💕💕💕