Guilt, Grief, and Memory Care

turnpikekid

My mother and I always had a difficult relationship, but I know she loved me very much. She is in the moderate stages of Alzheimer’s and this disease has actually changed her into the sweetest person, partially due to her taking sertraline. So, in a turn of events I actually really like being around her now. She has enough money that we were keeping her in Independent Living with 24 hour aids. But, it’s still left a lot on me to care for her, and she just wandered the second time. We found a really really nice Memory Care option (I think) but I am struggling so hard in my heart about this. I keep thinking about the woman she was, so strong, so independent, and I can’t stop thinking about how the fate that the disease has her on. I feel such guilt over all the times we were estranged and all the time I lost with her. It all feels so painful.  She lost both her son (my brother) and my stepdad in really tragic ways. I just feel this intense sorrow for her. It’s feeling a lot worse since this decision to move her to Memory Care. I feel so heartbroken, it actually feels worse than when I lost my brother. Anyway, this disease is so horrific, and I guess I needed to just get out of my head for a minute. 

ARIL

There is nothing easy about this, that’s for sure. So sorry you are at this point. I understand the grief and pain. Feel free to express your feelings here whenever you’d like.

My LOWD has been in a MCF for 15 months, and although the disease is progressing, there are good things to say about the situation too. He is safe and cared for, he enjoys my visits, and he has made some friends in MC. He is sometimes involved in activities, and sometimes he just wants to sleep.

Parts of the situation are really hard too—but that’s the failt of this relentless disease. The move to the MCF did not cause the decline or hurry it along. If anything, the move has made him healthier, better nourished, and more social. I miss the person he once was, but I do see glimmers of that person, so he doesn’t seem gone, just diminished.

I am glad to hear you are finding some happiness in your mother’s company now, and I am sorry about the current pain of the estrangements. If it helps, you can try to reframe those memories: The past is real but in the past, and now you have a little bonus chapter. If you two are getting along now, you can get along when she is in MC.

Take care. I am sorry this hurts so much—people here do get it, though. We feel those feelings too.

SDianeL

welcome. So sorry about your Mom. What you are feeling is grief for what you lost and anticipatory grief for losing what could have been. Many of us have the same feelings and understand how you feel. You are not alone. This disease robs us of so much. Your Mom’s safety is the most important thing. Memory care is locked so she can’t wander. She will get 24/7 care from caregivers trained to care for patients with dementia You are not doing it to her, you are doing it for her. I’m glad you have a better relationship with her. She’s lucky to have you. Many people here tell their loved ones who have to move that the doctor ordered rehab for a few weeks. Take her at lunch time. Leave quietly without saying goodbye. Memory care nurses know how to transition her. Drop her things off later and then gradually take personal things for her room. Hugs. 💜

kims189

HI, I am currently caring for my mom (81 years young) who has dementia and likes to wander. Her new thing is trying to get home(wander) after supper. She's been with us for about 2 years, so this is home. We now have locks on the doors so that she cannot get out, so she's safe, but the sadness of her trying to get out is hard. I'm not sure if its time for a MCF yet or not, I cant seem to do it, I feel so guilty about wanting my life back as well( I'm 57 with a husband and adult daughter) but I think she might be better off at a facility. Maybe she would socialize more? Her mood swings are insane. But most days my mom is ok, which makes this decision so hard, but she still wont go to the Senior center in our town for activities, which she has been going to on and off (mostly on) for 2 years, so she knows everyone and they are great! How do people get a routine started, My moms mind is all over the place, so there is no planning a day for her. Thanks for letting me comment

God bless all caregivers and patients 🙏

staciehun

Your story is painfully familiar, I am in the same guilt riddled head space. We’re doing everything possible to keep mom in a safe/comfortable/healthy place but I can’t help but pining for access to my own life. It’s feels impossible to find the balance with being a caregiver and an individual…right?

It’s places like this forum that help release some of the inside pressure, the community helps not feel so isolated, trying to find a group irl to connect with but that’s even a challenge🤦🏻‍♀️

Anonymousjpl123

There’s a book my therapist recommended called Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Elderly Parents who Didn’t Take Care of You. I found it very helpful. Of course it’s hard for everyone taking care of a parent with dementia but if your relationship was hard and fraught, it’s a special kind of hard.

I found it helpful to remember that I am not hurting my mom, the disease is. And I can’t fix that. And it really, really sucks. But I can’t make sure she is safe and has the absolute best care and environment and life possible.

I found a great MC. My mom’s disease is progressing but she is absolutely not miserable. I was shocked at how much better she did in memory care, once she adjusted (which took months). She’s been in MC almost two years now, and still has some kind of life. It’s small. She likes it where she is. It’s manageable. Our visits are evolving but I see her at least 2 times a week. You may be surprised. As PWD lose more memory, safer and easier becomes more comfortable. Good luck. This is all so hard.

https://a.co/d/awX7LRV