My Mom No Longer Remembers Me ........

ConcernedandAfar · August 5

I live about an hour flight from my Mom and have been visiting her around every month or so. This trip she was asked who i was and one time she said "my sister," and another time "my sister-in-law." When someone told her i was her daughter she looked absolutely shocked. Yesterday we were looking at pictures and she pointed to my picture and asked me who that person was. I didn't know what to say. My daughter and son and in the pictures so i asked her who my daughter was and she had a response. Then today she was cleaning the house, she saw the purse i keep here and her helper told her this is your daughters. So she picked it up to put away. When she saw me, she told me "this purse is my daughters, i'm going to put it away for her." I asked her about her daughter and she said "I don't see her much, she is very busy." Then as she was leaving, she turned back and said "you look a little like my sister."😭 I'm so sad……

pjasso · August 5

I'm so sorry this is happening to her, to you. So incredibly sad. I heard that when our parents don't recognize us, it is because they are still living in the past, remembering us a kids, maybe, and so they don't remember the more recent "grown" daughters and sons. I don't know how accurate that is, but it makes sense. You have reason to be sad. This is such a sad disease.

jen ht · August 5

I'm sorry. Your heart must be aching. It's a tough journey. 💜🫂

emmee · August 5

I'm so sorry and totally understand, as my mom also doesn't recognize me. I can tell you that my experience has been that the pain of that has faded significantly as I did eventually grow used to it over time. The first few times it happened it was extremely difficult/sad/heartbreaking and it took me some time to process it, reflect on it, cry about it, and accept it. I remind myself with all the changes that she can't control it and it's not her fault, and I'm very fortunate to have had a loving mom before dementia turned her into a shell of herself.

I now tell her I'm her daughter constantly (because she doesn't remember that I told her 10 minutes ago) so that she will feel more comfortable with me and allow me to caregive. I find that even though she doesn't know who I am, she still seems to be more comfortable with me than with hired caregivers. I researched it and found something I find comforting, so I'm sharing it here in the hopes it comforts you too—even when our moms can't recall/identify exactly who we are as their kids, everything about us is familiar—our voice, our smell, our touch, etc. so the dementia-worn brain still usually registers us as safe, familiar, comforting.

Thinking a daughter is a sister (which used to happen to me more and now seems to have also faded) can also be related to time-shifting, when the person thinks she is younger, so she doesn't know she has a daughter but sees the familiar/safe face and assumes it's a sister, which she's had since early childhood.

Dementia does "erase" the brain but that doesn't erase the love our moms had for us and that love has made us who we are today. Sending you warmth.

SusanB-dil · August 5

I'm so sorry…

yes, it is such a shock to the system when this happens! I walked in one day and mom said 'Hi Trudy, how are you today'… ummmm… no… I'm Susan. "Oh, Hi Susan". Trudy is her sister. ouch. MIL screamed at me one evening when I tried getting her to take meds, and told me 'YOU'RE not HER, and you're NOT HIS (pointed to DH)!' OOHHH!! It clicked why she was treating me with such indifference and had not said my name in weeks. DH first wife passed away several years before we even met. I'm not her. So then, who am I, and some nerve being with her son??

In any case - yes, I understand. yes, it is hurtful. ((hugs))