Friend Guilt Tripping Me b/c Mom in AL

OnlyDaughter123

I know people sometimes mean well when they give unsolicited advice. A long time friend has been messaging me videos of cases of elder abuse in nursing homes and telling be how wrong I am to have my mom in a MC AL facility. She says my mom is unhappy (she hasn’t seen my mom in years) and that I’m doing her a disservice. I went through a lot for her to be where she is, a reputable place with great staff who care about her. And it costs quite a bit more than some other ALs, on top of being in one of the most expensive regions of the country for elder care.

Some of it is cultural, I understand. It can be foreign to some people from other cultures who shy away from loved ones being cared for outside the home. I also don’t think my friend truly understands the complexities of Alzheimers’. She claims people in her family are sicker, in wheelchairs, using supplemental oxygen, etc. and are cared for successfully at home. So why can’t I do the same, she tells me? Despite having limited to no experience with dementia.

It was a huge decision for me and my mom’s brother to put her in AL. It is not the “easy way out” but one of the most difficult choices and still quite intensive with a lot of caregiving involved. A lot of it is mental, organizing medical information and appointments, communicating clearly with the facility, managing finances, spending time with mom or feeling guilty for not spending enough time. Now my friend has me questioning my decision, which I already feel like I beat myself up about enough. Just wanting to share my experience. No matter what I do it seems like it’s never enough, always wrong, always guilt. :( This also isn’t an attack on my friend. Her heart is in the right place, just her approach and timing are off base to me. Thank you for listening. Please give yourselves, your loved ones and caregivers lots of love and grace.

harshedbuzz

@OnlyDaughter123

I am so very sorry.

Nothing she's doing falls neatly into my definition of "friendship"; maybe this is one of those "friends for a season" people who doesn't have your best interests at heart and are best stepped away from.

She's violating boundaries here. Your decision isn't open for discussion. I would suggest pointing out that she has no experience in this kind of caregiving and ask her to stop. If she can't/won't— end the call or the visit and put some distance between the next contact.

HB

Quilting brings calm

I totally agree with HB. This friend has no clue what you are going through. And has no right to attack you the way she is. You’ve researched, picked a good facility and are doing the best you can. Tell your friend this topic is off limits. That you will stop reading emails or texts at thr first mention of this topic. That you will end the phone call, or walk out of a restaurant.

H1235

My moms best friend told me mom didn’t belong in a facility and that my dad (passed 12 years ago) would be ashamed of me. Ironically she thinks my brother has done no wrong. She has not seen mom more than 3 times in the last year. This is someone i considered a friend myself. I was absolutely devastated. One year later and I still can’t get her hurtful words out of my mind. I was very traumatized by this. I have friends that I have disagreed with how they handle things with their aging parents, but I keep my opinions to myself. It’s not my business and I realize I don’t know the whole story (nor do I need to). Friends support each other, they don’t pass judgment! I would reconsider if this friend is really a friend you want to keep in your life. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard enough as it is, but to add this guilt trip on top is unbearable. I ended up starting anxiety medication not long after this incident. Why are people so cruel?

SusanB-dil

Also agreeing - just my little opinion - it is none of the friend's freakin' business!

Obviously, we already know 'this' is not even close to the same as caring for someone who is cognizant.

Familiar with the saying… 'with friends like this, who needs enemies'

Please don't let this friend 'acquaintance' pull you down!

jen ht

Alzheimer’s and dementia care are a whole nother story. This is not caring for someone aging in place. Most folks not on this road with us truly have NO IDEA what all this entails.

Just today on my way out of school someone stopped me to say that in her culture they would never have their parent in either situation that my folks are in (dad is in memory care and my mom is in her home - they are divorced). The woman who stopped me today is acquaintance status only. I cannot imagine how this would hurt coming from a friend. I could feel myself shrinking the more she overly expressed what she would have done.

I will go out of my way not to walk near her again. I'll be taking another door to exit the building - far from her. I am so worn down and tired. I didn't have it in me to fight it off. Eventually I just shrugged and walked away.

I agree with the advice you've gotten here. Protect yourself. We don't need this kind of burden in addition to the grief we are already experiencing.

Take care 💜

OnlyDaughter123

Thank you all. I am sorry you are going through or have gone through this with your loved ones. I wish Alzheimer’s didn’t exist, but it helps to know I’m not alone, and not crazy. I always try and give people the benefit of the doubt, but you are right, boundaries are so important in caregiving. We expend so much energy taking care of our loved ones there’s really no reserve for this kind of nonsense and lack of respect. No one has the right to judge, especially one lacking knowledge and experience with Alzheimer’s. I’m also aware that sometimes people have lots of issues and insecurities in their own lives. They would prefer to interfere and offer unsolicited advice about other people’s concerns rather than deal with their own issues. I know my friend is going through some things so I’ll offer her understanding in that but set those boundaries around my moms situation.

ARIL

You are so thoughtful, measured, and kind. You are absolutely right, that we have “no reserve for this kind of nonsense.”

You are certainly not alone: I too have been told some wrongheaded and upsetting things by people who “mean well” but are ignorant of the actual situation. Nor do I have the time or bandwidth to educate them, even if they would listen.

Better for us to maintain boundaries with those folks and reassure each other that we are not only not crazy but are also doing the best we can in an impossibly hard situation.

Hang in there. You are doing well by your mom.

Victoriaredux

It's gracious that you can see that your friend's current issues may make her want to feel in control of something - so, lucky you— she decided to try to rearrange your family to feel she has some power remaining. I had someone rearrange my work desk when visiting before a lunch date- people get weird under pressure.

I'd probably say to her "As soon as they find a cure you betcha Mom's coming home! Until then the topic is closed because we're happy with her care." If she tries again - does she uplift you most of the time or is she now a drag on your energy and emotions? Not all friends last forever , lives change ….

OnlyDaughter123

Such incredibly thoughtful and caring advice. Thank you everyone for listening and understanding!

Maru

Friends like the one who guilted you, I can do without. I just want to say this about your guilt. I don't know your situation, whether or not you could have kept your mom home longer. What I do know is that many of us who are caretaking our LOs have plenty of our own guilt. I should have done this, should not have said that, I am being selfish for taking time away, for feeling that all this is such a burden. My point is that you will have guilt about your mom's care, no matter what.

On the other hand, your friend is correct about there being cases of abuse in AL and MC. Assuage your guilt by going to see your mom at least weekly, checking to make sure everything is being done that should be done, put a camera in her room so that you can check how the staff treats her.

caregiving daughter

Giving you a hug… I know you said your friend means well but I shrug a bit when I hear that. A friend that meant well would be there for you to vent and to cry. Making you feel guilty or stressed is not being a friend.

I had a cousin that questioned moving our mom to mc. She insisted once that my mom come to her home for a luncheon. It was tough to balance getting her there with small children but I managed, especially since my cousin promised to bring her home. When I walked my mom into my cousin's house, my cousin said she could no longer drive my mom home. Rather, she would "find" someone to drop my mom at the home's front door which was totally irresponsible given my mom lived in memory care. It's times like that you realize you should trust your judgement and turn off comments from those that do not have the same information that you do.