Moving Mom Soon, but how?

Saurus

My mother is 78 with ES and lives alone. Until recently, she has managed around the house- she's lived there 50 yrs and only recently been alone (my dad passed 2023, my younger live-in brother passed in 2025). While I am not working (online college fulltime, however), I have become my mom's assistant, scheduler, IT tech, and overall house/car maintenance provider. Any issue, she calls me, or texts, or emails. I have an older brother who lives 3 hours away and is present only enough to tell me "this is so difficult, but what can we do?"

I have found two facilities in the area that I really like: one is IL, AL, MC; the other is AL, MC (both are the same owner, so they're very similar). Originally, we were going to put my mom in IL, though it's 30 minutes from me. Recently, she had a bad waking nightmare and was extremely confused on where she was (visiting my brother's home) and who everyone was. That changed my mind from IL to AL, and to the much closer AL/MC facility.

Here is my question finally: my mom toured the original IL and liked it (but she'd "never leave her wonderful home"). She has not toured the closer AL/MC facility. Since she is still somewhat independent, just failing quickly with short-term memory, should I have her tour the AL facility with me? Or just get her on the waitlist and let her know we already agreed on this option (though we've only discussed it)?

I know "logic" is not the best way to a decision with this diagnosis. But I am struggling in giving her the respect of seeing her future home, and balancing that with getting the decisions made to move her to where she will eventually end up anyway.

caregiving daughter

When your mom went on the tour, was she able to evaluate the pros and cons in a reasonable way. Or, were they generally disregarded. Every parent deserves respect and the ability to drive decisions on their future. However, if their cognition is impaired such they are not able to express reasonable judgement, the decision needs to go to her caregiver/fiduciary.

If you are in the second bucket, I would say no more tours as they could bring unnecessary stress. Making the actual move will need to be approached separately and I would very much encourage you to include the home in your process.

H1235

I think how you handle this depends so much on your mom, her symptoms and her attitude. There is no “right” answer here, you just do the best you can to make this whole process the lest stressful for her (and you too). I can tell you what I did, but it’s probably more a lesson in what not to do. My brother insisted mom be involved every step of the way. I took her on the tour. She said it was a nice place but not something she needed since she was perfectly fine to take care of herself. I signed all the paperwork and we told mom about 2 weeks before the move (brother insisted). Mom was very angry, but acknowledged she didn’t have much choice and started packing boxes for the move. My brother took her to the store and let her buy whatever she thought she might need (you would not believe the crazy things she bought). The day of the move there were boxes everywhere and I had no idea what was in any of them. She was an absolute wreck with stress and worry the two weeks before the move and the day of the move was even worse. She had packed king size sheets, cookbooks, clothes that didn’t fit and yet forgot basic essentials. I expected this, but my brother was convinced she knew what she was doing. I was able to sort through boxes a bit before bringing them in to her room and managed to pull some of the odd stuff aside. It was a disaster. In the end she made it there safely and I think the move was good for her. I guess that’s what matters. I hope you can find a way to make it work better than I did (a difficult brother compounded matters considerably).

Saurus

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284583#Comment_284583

I'm sorry to hear your process was so difficult, even with the best intentions. That is what I am hoping to avoid, but with her attitude and reactions changing each time we talk, it's impossible to predict. I've read on other messages here, that it's easier to just do the work (paperwork, waitlist fees, etc.) without her "helping" so it reduces our stress and reduces her anxiety. And to just break the news of the move within days of it actually happening - again to reduce her anxiety. It just sounds cruel, but I need to remind myself that it's for a better and safer quality of life for her. I'm glad to hear the ends justified the means for your mother, and everything turned out in the end. That certainly is the important part. Best of luck in your process, and thanks for your perspective.

Saurus

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284572#Comment_284572

She could evaluate the pros/cons reasonably, but that's important to keep in mind. She found the place tidy, pleasant, and was interested in the activities they offered. But said there's no reason to move her, because she's doing just fine.

I think I also agree that additional tours would bring more confusion and anxiety. Since the two facilities are very similar to each other (different/less amenities in AL than IL, of course), I don't think she would necessarily dislike one over the other. When you say to include the home in my process, would that be like a Social Worker (or someone similar) as the AL facility? I've met with the site manager, so I'm not sure what services they'd offer like that.

Thank you for your input. I'm sorry we are all going through this process, but receiving level-headed advice and support really does help.

Anonymousjpl123

a lot of it depends on where your mom is, how long the waitlist is, and what she is aware of/not aware of. Sadly, my experience here is many of us overestimate our LO’s ability to understand decisions.

Just keep in mind, this is a huge change. There’s absolutely no easy way to do it.

I involved my mom, we looked at 3 places. Ultimately she didn’t want to move. I’m glad I did everything I could: she saw different places, agreed to one (but absolutely wanted to move in with me), and did ok. I did initially give her the option of someone coming to help her in her place, which she absolutely didn’t want.

Her first place was helpful with the move. I will say this, though. I’m glad you’re going with the AL, not IL. My mom’s first place had all 3 and they were just so much less equipped to deal with rapidly advancing dementia. It was fantastic for people early in their disease who didn’t need much. But it was awful when my mom progressed. I think the AL/MC places tend to have higher levels of care. It’s just my very limited perspective. Good luck. It’s not easy.

Saurus

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284599#Comment_284599

Thank you for the insight on AL vs IL. I feel like if we initially go with IL, I'm prematurely stripping her of freedoms she still deserves. But a small part of me (and it's growing quickly now) realizes that these freedoms are what she wants, not what she can handle.

For now, my mom is rather independent. Her short-term memory and executive functions are the main problem. So, anything out of her normal routine causes anxiety; paying bills is difficult, as is keeping track of appointments or schedules, or medication. I think she could thrive in IL, but getting from here to there sounds frightening, sad and scary. It does give me hope that everyone here says it is difficult, but worth it in the end. So thank you for your input and your support.

caregiving daughter

IL may be a good match but keep a close eye on. Your mom will need to understand the clock such that she get's herself down to dining room at the appropriate time. Similar for activities.

Engaging in conversation is difficult for someone with dementia as they may not be able to keep up with the pace of talking. Rather, they will become quiet. Because they are scared, pwd may resort to staying in their room vs. sitting down with others to eat or participate in an exercise class.

Sounds like your mom is not there but fyi that MC is handled differently. There is cueing for every meal. In a very kind way, residents are walked to activities after breakfast and lunch. Everyone is expected and assisted to get to balloon toss or a craft. Residents are exposed to talking, laughter, and music, in a group.

Though, as others have said, every home is different.

Victoriaredux

"For now, my mom is rather independent. Her short-term memory and executive functions are the main problem. " An adult is not a child under 18 ,but would you let a 15 year old free to do anything because they are independent minded - no, because their thinking and knowledge of dangers haven't evolved yet. PWD are the downhill slide of that ability. Imperfect memory and reasoning - that's not safely independent anymore.

In dementia land safety has to be the number one concern. Moving a PWD in later stages is harder and they benefit from the staff getting to know them while they are more outgoing. Based on how you described your Mother I'd probably place the AL.MC location as first choice so when , sadly not if, she needs MC it will be in the same facility- no new staff for you all to met , easier move from room to room etc.

I get what you mean about showing respect and wanting to get input from your Mom on which place she likes best but that kind of decision making relies on thinking that is probably too complex for someone with failing executive functions.

What usually happens when a PWD is presented with these choices? They get overwhelmed and default to a firm "NO". , usually said in that Mother voice that they imprinted on us as little kids. It's lonely but these kind of decisions are probably best made by you and your siblings.