My Mean Mom Doesn’t Want to be here

mabelgirl · February 16

My 83 yo mom has had signs of dementia going on 10 years. She was officially diagnosed last year. Why so long? My brother couldn’t fit into his schedule to get her examined during the last 5 years she lived with him. Prior to that we weren’t really sure it was dementia, she was still reasonably normal just lost things often and became suspicious of my sister she lived with. Once she moved to my brothers she soon began more definitive signs like forgetting she just spoke to you. Hence we encouraged my brother to take her for an exam. 3.5 yr later he did and low and behold officially diagnosed. At this point though she couldn’t remember something discussed just a few minutes ago and was getting lost driving. Again asked my brother to not let her drive but he couldn’t do it because “it’s her car”. I was finally able to convince her to sell her car, problem solved.

Then the hallucinations , delusions and suspicions became increasingly frequent and she did things like call AARP to tell them she was afraid for her life. This was after repeatedly calling family members and crying about being afraid. My brother’s response was to yell at her and argue with her. It got to the point where when they left her alone , she came outside in the road in the middle of the night crying that someone was trying to kill her. This was in VA in the mountain area close to WV, yeah where bears are neighbors.

Now I had been trying several times to get her to move to FL to live with me. At one point she was packed and ready to go, but all of a sudden decided she did not want to go. My brother was the one who called and informed me of her decision. After the episode with her being out in the road with no one there to help her, I got the other siblings (there are 7 of us) together and said enough is enough my brother couldn’t handle things and mom needed someplace else. No one wanted to put her in a home and no one except me was willing to take care of her. Thus we concluded it was best for her to move in with me.

The first month was rough getting her to settle in and understand. Then for next 4 months things weren’t so bad and she was going out and engaging with other folks no signs of hallucinations delusions suspicion etc. we had wedding for my nephew and everyone commented that they had not seen her happier in years. Then I started to notice change in mood and behavior, not wanting to come out of room or going anywhere, suspicions , delusions and hallucinations over about a month.

Then the whining FL is pretty but she’s ready to go back to VA started. VA is her home and she wants to go back. When I try to discuss where will you go because my brother couldn’t take care of her , she insists she can live on her own. She only has SSI at less than 1k so even if she was competent to be on her own she can’t afford it. So I’ve explained all this to her that basically there is no way to go back to VA. She gets very angry and aggressive about it now. Continually tells everyone she hates it here and she wants to go back , makes up these ideal scenarios that never happened living in VA.

she’s begun telling I’m making her hate me, she wakes up yelling at me about stealing her money, coming in her room taking stuff, that I’m plotting to get people to believe she’s crazy , I’m filthy, my home is filthy , all sorts of nonsense.

So my question is could these behaviors be because she so unhappy with being in FL or are they just truly the disease progressing as her doctor says? Is a geographic cure for the behaviors worked for anyone? Her doctor has recommended placement in a home because she feels mom may become physical. Growing up my mom didn’t shy away from throwing things , swinging mops or brooms at us, so this really got be spooked. So now I question maybe I’m looking for an easy way out of the nightmare that’s begun.

psg712 · February 16

From your description, she had paranoid ideas and unsafe behaviors while still in Virginia. I would take the doctor at her word: it is the disease, not her location. Placing her in a facility is a very hard decision, but first priority should be safety - both hers and yours.

If you were looking for an easy way out, you would not have moved her to Florida with you. You are courageously facing something that has nothing easy about it. Time for another family conference. Who has POA?

M1 · February 16

Welcome to the forum. You definitely need power of attorney to be able to place her, and probably need to have her qualified for Florida Medicaid as well-if you haven't already done those things look for a certified elder law attorney at nelf.org. Have you investigated any memory care facilities or nursing homes near you? Not all of them will accept Medicaid payments (Medicare does not cover this kind of care).

Trying to reason or argue with someone whose brain is broken will not work. I wouldn't talk to her about VA if you can avoid it; maybe you can come up with excuses, such as "we'll go when the weather is better," etc. You can use the same ones over and over.

Medication may help with the delusions and paranoia. If her primary care doc won't prescribe them, ask for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Most facilities will want these kinds of behaviors under control before they will accept her anyway.

I wish you well, she is lucky to have you. there are a lot of kind and wise folks here who will be glad to help.

H1235 · February 16

We all want our lo to be happy or at least content. I think for some of us that just might not be a possibility. It’s hard to accept. It also make it hard to know what is really best for them. I agree on a poa!!! Changing her residents and seeing a lawyer. Medicaid is complicated and you really want your ducks in a row. Even if she continues to stay with you, for how long? The Medicaid process, finding a facility and getting family on board can take time. So much to consider!

Sapphire68 · February 16

She had a major change going to your house to live. It can upset them and make them behave differently. Same would happen if she were to move in to a facility. And yes, it's the disease talking when she talks about your home or where she is at currently. She is going to miss her old home or anything from the past more than she will like her present situation. Most people with this disease get that way. Is she on medication? I would have her seen by a doctor local to you and try to get her in with someone who works with Alz and has experience with all of this.

mabelgirl · February 16

Thanks for the confirmations from your experiences. I was like maybe I was just justifying removing her from my brothers house. Since she has been here her doctor, has her on what seems to be the norm as far as medications donepezil, memantine, quetiapine and melatonin. I don’t want to see her zombied up if I can help it but I do understand to keep her home I may have to.

As for POA , when she first got here we went to the bank to open an account and get a POA notarized. Her ID card was expired and I was stopped. Since she is naturalized citizen I needed her citizenship document to get a FL or VA replacement, and of course her citizenship document is no where to be found. Months later I got her citizenship and ID , but since her paranoia has kicked up she doesn’t trust me and refuses to talk to attorneys. She has no other POA.

I had a zoom call with all my siblings to bring them up to speed where she’s at now. One to see if anyone will remain adamant on not putting her in a facility and secondarily if they have issue with me seeking guardianship. We all are in agreement and I have appointment set to start the process. A couple of my siblings called me afterwards because they want to be sure I’m safe as they had same reaction to the doctor mentioning physical aggression, childhood flashback.

She is not eligible for Medicaid as with her SSI she also gets a small monthly support from ex husband which puts her $15 over the income limit. I did get her qualified for QMB though! Assuming I get guardianship, I then will look into programs that can help with a AL or MC.

I am also trying to get help with some caregiver relief so I can run errands and such without her continually calling asking where are you at and you better not spend my money. I think she’s reached a point where she is having difficulty making a cup of tea or using microwave, thus I feel like she needs someone at home with her all the time. I think she gets scared , which is also a recent behavior having to know where I am at all the time.

sorry I talk a lot!

M1 · February 17

Mabel, there is a difference between Medicaid for regular health insurance and Medicaid for long-term care (for nursing home s or memory care). She will definitely be able to qualify, but it's complicated, and you'll definitely need an attorney's help to make sure it's done correctly. Definitely ask, because otherwise the costs of care in any facility are likely to be prohibitive.

mabelgirl · February 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198558#Comment_198558

Thank you I’ll look further into it. The program I do know about in FL is ICP and she does meet qualifications for that.

My Mean Mom Doesn’t Want to be here

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