How do you keep in touch with friends and family?

@machelriller

I know a number of people who "visited" their LO's in MC and other facilities via Facetime or Zoom early in the pandemic when visitation was restricted. Most of those who had dementia found the experience confusing while with family found it unrewarding as it was difficult to engage their LO.

While I expect a MCF would try to accommodate this request if you asked, I think it makes more sense for you to be the one who scaffolds your dad in this activity as you would know enough about the individuals involved to remind him who he's talking to and help the others engage appropriately. You certainly don't want the experience I had with my parents' former neighbors criticizing my decision to move them near me and my refusal to let them travel down to FL for a few weeks in the winter.

Another piece to this is that many friends and family struggle to communicate with a PWD and withdraw from the relationship as the disease progresses which means he probably wouldn't be interacting with his old friends even if he was still in his old community.

I would encourage getting him to the activities he might enjoy and help him socialize with the other residents. Staff generally are happy to facilitate friendships between residents who are social.

HB

@machelriller

We used a video phone for my Mom while she was in MC. She was able to easily call us and the auto answer feature allowed us to call into her room. The screen is much larger than a smart phone or tablet. It is a little costly but I felt it was worth it. See the link below. I also used an app called RecallCue. Best wishes. ❤️

https://www.konnekt.com.au/?gclid=CjwKCAjw7oeqBhBwEiwALyHLM9fvLgSG_ygwcUc1eHUq4liuNC7tqx4Ce7bWk_D-rPwQmXWKq3KNDBoCiZMQAvD_BwE

I have some related questions and concerns about phones and keeping in touch with family and friends, as recently moved LO to new state as well to be close to me. I appreciate all of the above questions and comments so much. I know many people think my loved one should have access to the phone, but he doesn't know how to use it to call out, may answer calls from spam callers, may be disturbed at night as no settings), etc., and, perhaps most of all, it is clear he doesn't always know how to answer questions or doesn't remember the answers, so he just fills in with what he thinks is conversational. And I know I will need to be there to help him with the calls, to your point, machelriller, as many don't realize his cognitive challenges are as bad as they are because he can be conversant and charming as well. And as noted above, I can help others engage appropriately.

Are there any suggestions for helping to do that (help others engage appropriately) without looking like I'm trying to control the conversation too much? I am learning that it's best to not ask PWD certain kinds of questions and may be best for others to just bring up what's going on with them to start conversations. Insights welcome.

Thanks.

Anonymousjpl123 is right. You are facilitating the calls, not controlling them. Since your dad's friends don't live nearby, they have no way to know his level of functioning unless you provide that information.

A few suggestions to them would be kind. You have a good idea to ask the friends to start the conversation by telling him what's going on in their lives. Encourage them to avoid "remember when we ..." or "remember Jimmy's son ..." or "remember" anything. Stay in the present.

It's hard for old friends to grasp the changes in our loved ones when they can't see them. With my mom, I also found that it became harder for her to understand who she was talking to when she couldn't see their faces. We tried FaceTime, but that freaked her out. She simply couldn't understand that the video on the screen was a friend talking to her in real time. But if your dad still enjoys talking with friends, do whatever you can to help him to connect with them.

I relate to this M1. When my mom moved to MC in January, I chose not to set up a phone. She hasn't missed it at all. I do call my sister from my phone so they can talk, but it isn't much of a conversation- similar to in person. Mom's brother actually talked with her recently- first time in at least a year - and she kept handing the phone back to me because she didn't understand his questions, or (I suspect) who she was even speaking with.

I try to live in the present and not think about who she was before dementia gutted her of her intelligence, warmth and humor. (It also took her quick temper and judgmental attitude, which we don't mourn - a tiny silver lining but not worth the other losses.) I can only dimly imagine how much harder this is when it's your life partner instead of a parent. Teary hugs for you.