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How do you process your thoughts, feelings, and slow burning grief?

Alexis D
Alexis D Member Posts: 8
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edited June 2 in Caring for a Parent

Hi everyone. I’m new here. So glad I found this online community. The last three years have been super intense. From my mother getting diagnosed to losing her job to hiring at-home care, and the moving to assisted living in Jan 2023. This is a short summary, of course. But now she needs 24/7 supervision and it’s just SO SAD. I feel like things were so busy when we were problem solving and trying to make sure she had the right care, but now that the dust has settled, I have a lot more time to think about all this and process it. I know it’s good for me, but sometimes it hits me hard. I’ve started to write about it as a form of therapy.

What have been your best strategies for coping? I want to do less avoiding (by keeping busy and burying myself in work) and more feeling/accepting.

Sending strength to you all!

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  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,145
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    edited May 26

    Hi Alexis D - Welcome to 'here'. It is hard - in so many ways!

    DH and I just try to keep up with at least some type of hobby. Something to just get your mind off of everything going on.

    I guess for me, I just try not to think about 'this' so much or overthink things. Try to look at whatever good is around. Mom is nicer now that I'm her 'sister'. MIL can come up with some rather wild confabulations. Gotta just look at that aspect and not dwell on everything else going on. muddling through…

  • Alexis D
    Alexis D Member Posts: 8
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210638#Comment_210638

    Thank you, Susan! This is helpful! This experience has definitely reminded me to embrace my hobbies and live life to the fullest. The silver lining.

  • Lynn24
    Lynn24 Member Posts: 82
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    I agree. This journey has helped me practice gratefulness each day, and has taught me to find joy in every moment of my life. Helps me to focus on the people in my life that I treasure the most.

  • Alexis D
    Alexis D Member Posts: 8
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210682#Comment_210682

    That’s nice to hear, Lynn. I’m happy for you!

    It’s taken me time to get here. Initially, I was extremely avoidant, but now I’m leaning into it and it’s encouraging me to make more time to focus on the people in my life. It’s a really nice feeling.

  • Leanna
    Leanna Member Posts: 8
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69345/how-do-you-process-your-thoughts-feelings-and-slow-burning-grief

    hi, this has also been a challenge for me and am struggling too. What has helped are support groups, faith and faith community, journaling, therapist, and doing things that bring me some joy. Sometimes this journey can feel so lonely

  • Arrowhead
    Arrowhead Member Posts: 361
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    I began keeping a journal about my wife's progress 6 months after being diagnosed. Six months ago, I placed her in memory care, and I still do. I keep busy with yard work and working on things that need getting done around the house that were neglected while taking care of her. I have made changes around the house that reflect me as a single man instead of us as a couple. These include getting a smaller bed, disposing of the extra dresser, and buying new curtains because I never liked the old ones. I read, play games on my phone, do jigsaw puzzles, watch TV, post and read on Face Book, and visit sites I'm interested in on the computer. I also write a lot on different subjects that interest me, mostly for my own benefit, but some I do share. I'm now in the process of writing a novel. It may never sell, but maybe it will. In spite of all that, I still get lonely at times, and I continue to grieve on occasion. My advice is to keep trying different things and find what works best for you, then do them.

  • Alexis D
    Alexis D Member Posts: 8
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210985#Comment_210985

    Thank you for sharing this. It’s very helpful. I would read the novel. :)

  • Alexis D
    Alexis D Member Posts: 8
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210915#Comment_210915

    Thanks for sharing with me, Leanna. I know the feeling. Luckily we can chat about it together here.

  • RoyalBlue
    RoyalBlue Member Posts: 4
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    I watch my step dad 86 yrs old and mom 78 yrs old and it has been so sad. My step dad becomes jealous of my mom and the attention she has been getting going to doctor appointments lately. Mom has to take so much more medication than my step dad so she has had to see more specialist to get the medications adjusted. He has had several falls that caused brain bleeds and he has dementia from the scattered white matter. My parents seem to feed off of each other's actions. Hateful and contrary towards each other. It is heart breaking to watch.

  • Sheilab01
    Sheilab01 Member Posts: 20
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    I’m so sorry🙁

  • VickyS
    VickyS Member Posts: 6
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    > @"Alexis D" said:
    > Hi everyone. I’m new here. So glad I found this online community. The last three years have been super intense. From my mother getting diagnosed to losing her job to hiring at-home care, and the moving to assisted living in Jan 2023. This is a short summary, of course. But now she needs 24/7 supervision and it’s just SO SAD. I feel like things were so busy when we were problem solving and trying to make sure she had the right care, but now that the dust has settled, I have a lot more time to think about all this and process it. I know it’s good for me, but sometimes it hits me hard. I’ve started to write about it as a form of therapy.
    > What have been your best strategies for coping? I want to do less avoiding (by keeping busy and burying myself in work) and more feeling/accepting.
    > Sending strength to you all!

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I, too, am dealing and processing what has happened to my mom with dementia. I think the best thing to do is to actually feel it and really accept the feelings without judgment. Too often, people don't deal with the grief of it all and end up doing things that are unhealthy. I'm struggling with many different emotions, and writing them down has helped a lot. Going to therapy is also really helpful. These forums also help you not feel so alone. Sending strength.
  • DavidE
    DavidE Member Posts: 1
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    Slow burning grief…I cant think of a better phrase for it.

    This is tough for sure, something many of us have never dealth with or fully comphrehend. Support groups are great if you get involved. One thing to keep in mind is if you attend a support group, get to know the others in the group. Going and sitting listening to people works for a little while, but participation changes the whole thing.

  • yearofthedragon
    yearofthedragon Member Posts: 34
    10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    Therapy (parts and memory and EMDR) with a good therapist every week.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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