reframe my thinking?

Jen, I don't think a MC really exists that has different activities tiered by skill level for their residents. i think there's too much turnover for that and not enough staffing. I do know that some facilities that have both assisted living and MC will allow some MC residents to attend activities on the AL side, but generally they have to be accompanied. You could try hiring a companion for your dad, but that gets expensive, too-- they generally charge $35 an hour and up..

My partner is a farmer and a builder and a gardener and very much a loner and an introvert. Living in a group setting has been very difficult for her, and she is not interested in socializing or group activities, period. Hates eating meals in a common dining room. That has been by far the hardest part for her. Now she's pretty much bedbound and on hospice, so it's not as much of an issue any more.

it's still very early days for you. I think you're right that this is likely harder on you than it is on him. How does the staff say he's doing?

Hi Jen ht,

Although I am not one of the members with a lot of wisdom or experience to offer, I just wanted to comment and let you know that you are not alone in the struggle of still trying to figure out what the "right" or "wrong" things are in these situations. I believe that our rational minds want so badly to make sense of what is happening to our loved ones, that it is just so difficult to accept that there isn't a good rational answer to so many of the struggles when dealing with dementia. Although the situation with my father is different than yours, I still frequently wonder if I am checking in enough, or if he actually is doing as well as the staff claim. I had to shut my father's phone off, prior to taking him to AL, (to keep toxic people away) and it has been difficult to not just be able to text him to ask if he needs anything, just say hi, etc. Rationally, I know that if there were problems the staff would call me, or he would use a phone there to call me. I feel that sometimes a bigger challenge we face as caregivers is that we don't respect our own adjustment period and all of the emotional shifts that can come with it. We just expect ourselves to adapt quickly and "get on with things." I personally thought that I would only feel relief once my dad was in AL, and that I would be happy to finally be able to breathe and focus on some of my own needs. However, I am noticing that there has been a different kind of anxiety now. I wonder if I need to hurry and get him a new phone number so he can talk to people outside of the AL, are people visiting, is he sad or feel abandoned, etc. I have to stop myself from spiraling by admitting that these fears are about me and my adjustment to the new situation. I don't know if it will give you any peace of mind or not, but while my father was in the hospital (during his "acute fit" about not wanting to go to AL) every time a new provider would call with questions, etc they all told me that dad was very agitated and unhappy, but that he was doing fine at the same time. Obviously, I don't know your father, but is there a chance that he is similar to my dad in that he was very angry and agitated at me (because in his eyes I am the problem) but was still able to do well and interact with others appropriately? Knowing that I was the main source of dad's anger was frustrating, but also helped me to know he wasn't being hateful towards anyone else, if that makes sense. I know it is easier said than done, as I have to do a lot of self-talk each day, but try to recognize where YOU are at with things and what it is that YOU NEED. Your dad is safe and being cared for, so it may be you who needs the compassion and self-love right now. Be kind to yourself, you are doing the right things and you deserve to find some peace (even if in tiny doses right now). Not sure if any of that was helpful, but wanted to relate and tell you some of the things I believe for you and have to tell myself often! Take Care!

I have just read this thread and feel so validated by how I am feeling. We are all going through the same thing. I have been so conflicted about visiting. I have learned that it's okay to miss a few days for my own well-being. It has been so gut wrenching watching the man you love and lived with for 54 years dying slowly. The future does not look good, and I hope I have the strength to be there for him. It's hard for me to talk to our children about the decline and sometimes I don't want to call them, but I do need their support. It's difficult for them to visit due to distance and I am sure they are suffering too.

Thanks for listening.

I hope your husbands daughter was able to come. If not it was her choice. God Bless you during this difficult time.