How to support my stepdad as primary caregiver

Jazzies7 · December 12

Hello. I am new to this platform. My mom is in Stage 6 of Alzheimer's. My stepdad is her primary caregiver. I can see that he is in over his head and is stressing out. But he is shutting out ideas for support, saying that he can't handle any more information. He is trying to do everything himself, and I can see the situation already imploding. (He has been caring for her alone for years.)
We managed to get a respite caregiver for 4 hours one day per week, and he doesn't want to expand that. He doesn't trust the caregiver to be alone with my mom so he can leave the house unless I am there, and I live 3.5 hours away.
I am looking for advice on how to support him when he is resisting.

JM27 · December 12

Hi,

Will it make him feel better to stay a few times when the caregiver is there so he can see the caregiver is capable of caring for her?

harshedbuzz · December 12

@Jazzies7 Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

A couple of things could be happening here. It sounds as if he's overwhelmed. More respite might help. Having someone come to the house and remain home isn't very restorative unless it's a situation where the PWD is interfering with sleep.

His solution is for you to do it. This could come from a place of not trusting the caregivers but sometimes concerns about theft are legitimate— we had someone make off with some of mom's jewelry. Said aide also left another client's checkbook in mom's kitchen. She wasn't supposed to be handling money in any form. But it could also be about the money it costs— my mom was very reluctant to spend $30+/hour to get a break. The cost bugged her so much she didn't really benefit emotionally from the respite hours. I pitched in taking dad to all his many appointments which helped because what she craved was time alone in her own home. If that's the case, maybe a day program might be a better fit— there's safety in numbers and it tends to be more reasonable in terms of cost/hour.

If he's overwhelmed, suggestions from you— 3 1/2 hours away— might be infuriating to him. And so frustrating for you. This might be a situation where you decide what you can offer given the distance and whatever other responsibilities you have. I would also encourage you to have a solid Plan B to execute should he become unable to care for her because of death or illness. I'd tour several MCFs near where you live unless you would be moving her in with you.

HB

H1235 · December 12

If he will not accept help with the caregiving would he accept help with other things. Someone to come in and clean and or do laundry, could you make up meals and freeze them and they are ready to go, hire someone to mow the lawn/shovel snow, are groceries being delivered. Is he still managing all the bills? If he is not willing to let you take over, would he be willing to let you help him set up automatic bill pay. These things might take a bit of stress off and free him up to maybe be a less stressed caregiver. You might also just ask what you can do to help. I agree with HB that a plan B is a good idea. I assume you step father is DPOA. Are you listed as secondary is something happens to him? I think it would be a good idea. You didn’t tell us his age. Caregiving is tough for anyone, but if he is elderly with his own health issues that could spell trouble. Is he still physically and mentally capable of caring for her? You don’t want to be critical of his caregiving, but do you believe she is getting the care she need? I hope you can find some way to help.

Jazzies7 · December 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230933#Comment_230933

He has been staying for 8 weeks…

Jazzies7 · December 13

Thank you for the good insights

JM27 · December 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231004#Comment_231004

oh ok. I have read that caregivers can become very protective of the LO. I hope you and figure something out so he can get some rest.

Jazzies7 · December 13

He doesn't like anyone else to clean or do laundry, not even dishes! He allowed me to do some dusting and vacuuming, but it seemed to stress him out. He does the grocery shopping, taking Mama with him. Yes, he is still managing all the bills and is not willing to set up automatic bill pay. They don't have DPOA done yet. He is 87 and my mama is 85. He is still physically and mentally capable of caring for her, but I worry about his emotional stability with all the stress. Plus she experiences sundowning and is very irritable and negative toward him in the evenings. I think that your idea of asking him what I can do to help is a good one. I have been trying to think of my own ideas, but that seems to offend him and add more stress.

ALCB · December 14

In a similar situation with my LO, but she's still mild stage. I agree with JM27—maybe you could also let him pick the caregiver, if he's even willing? Or ask a doctor for a recommendation and see if he's more accepting of the plan. If there is another trusted family member nearby you could try integrating them into caring for her, so he could see that it doesn't always have to be her? I'm sorry that this is the situation you've been put in.

How to support my stepdad as primary caregiver

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