My Dad has gotten aggressive and totally opposite of how he used to be

lala7483 · January 2

I know so many are dealing with this horrible disease and know it is a struggle!! I stay with my parents to help my mom with my Dad and she doesnt have the best health herself and I am also a single mom to a 10 yr old boy. I feel as if I am trying to carry the world on my shoulders as between work and taking care of everyone I exhaust myself. But all that aside I am watching this disease take over and my Dad is total opposite of how he has always been. His new thing is he is attacking my Mom when asleep. Punching, grabbing, hitting, etc. She can not get away as she can not move well until she has her back surgery. He is still strong even at his age and she is now scared to sleep. I am setting up the spare bedroom and plan on putting a baby monitor so in case happens I can hear and get across the house to help. Unfortunately Dad believes he is supposed to sleep with his wife and refuses to leave his bed. He is very glued to my Mom. He has become a “hover” parent to my son when he never was with me. My child can barely go outside without Pop freaking out and yelling at him. I know it is not the best situation for my son but I can not leave everything on my Mom. I luckily have more patience as can agree or go along with whatever my father goes on rants about but I can not deal with him putting hands on my Mom nor my child. He does not hit my child but has grabbed his arm and yanked him. I am calm until that violence shows up. I have cameras in the house in spots mainly so we can find where he has hidden stuff or laid stuff down. I can not always be home though as I have to work. I am not sure why this attacking in a half sleep state has come from nor what can be done to help. I believe we are to the point we need help to at least give Mom a break yet she says we arent there yet and since she cant do much til surgery there is no use as she is there but I still believe even with her there we need a break even if they come in and keep him occupied. I think I have went on a rant and off subject but was wondering if anyone had any suggestions, advice, or words of wisdom that can help? Mainly with the violent attacking part!!

jehjeh · January 2

This violent behavior has got to stop. Immediately! You are all in danger of this going out of your control and someone getting badly hurt. Your father may not want to hurt anyone but in these moments he isn't thinking the way he always has. It's not him, it's the disease.

Please get him out of the home ASAP. Call 911 and get him to the hospital, call the doctor and explain what's happening, they may be able to support you in making a move.

We had to place my dad in memory care many years ago when he began sleeping with a knife under his pillow and one night he didn't know who my mom was. This could have ended in tragedy. Placing him was the hardest thing ever, but we got through it and he adjusted.

Please keep everyone safe. Let us know how it's going. This is a great place to vent, cry, ask for advice.

elh430 · January 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71653/my-dad-has-gotten-aggressive-and-totally-opposite-of-how-he-used-to-be

Hi, bottom line you have to keep you and your Mom and son safe. When the violence begins you need to seek other care. Someone in house or a memory care facility.

Prayers to you all.

SusanB-dil · January 2

Hi lala7483 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Aggression and violence is NEVER acceptable! You need to tell his doctor asap! However, if it happens, you need to call 9-1-1, tell them his condition, and have him admitted to geriatric psych. Geri-psych will get him on the right medication dosages. Further, you can tell them that you do not feel safe for you, your mom, nor your son to release him back to you. A social-work person should help you find him placement upon release.

Sorry you are dealing with this, but mom 'thinking not needing help yet'? No - Need help asap. Needs to be addressed before anything happens to one of you.

terei · January 2

Just NO. If he becomes aggressive at all, 911 should be called to transport him to an ER + than on to a geri psych unit. It is not unheard of for a PWD to seriously harm or kill a relative. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. He needs immediate treatment + your mom needs protection. If you can, get video of him acting out that can be used by medical professionals.

I also do not think your son should be exposed to this behavior. Take charge of this + make it happen. Your mother is not able to make the decision to protect herself + it is up to you.

psg712 · January 6

100 % what terei said. Your lives are in danger - all of you. There is no way to predict when he may turn on you. You can't reason with him or explain consequences, he cannot understand or remember. One night it may be your child that he attacks while all are sleeping. Get dad out of the house, and don't accept him back home until he has appropriate treatment. If your mom isn't willing to cooperate with your efforts to keep her safe, get yourself and your son out. I know you want to support your mom, but your first priority is your son's physical and emotional well-being.

Even without the violence, it sounds as if it's time to look into facility placement. Your mom is disabled, and you need to work. His care is becoming too much for the family to handle. I'm so sorry. I know it's much easier to dispense advice than it is to make these terrible decisions for someone you love.

H1235 · January 6

I can understand wanting to give your dad the best care possible at home with a loving family. That sounds good, but what about everyone else. Are you willing to sacrifice the well being of you, your mom and more importantly your son for him. Is that what he would have wanted if you could go back in time and ask him? In a facility there will be people trained to deal with his aggressive behavior, the environment may be calmer and cause less anxiety. I assume your mom will need time to recover after surgery, if you are working who is going to take care of your dad? I think it’s time to face the reality that this situation is not working and it’s time for him to move to a care facility. Sorry I know it’s hard!

Victoriaredux · January 6

"I know it is not the best situation for my son but I can not leave everything on my Mom. "

Your number one duty is to your son. A 10 year old boy is at right at the age where they start to look outside the home as part of development - you don't want to lose your influence on him at this point or get on child protective's radar . He needs you to protect him .

The above advise on calling 911 to get your father evaluated , treated and placed until/if your Mom is well enough to take up his care- and it maybe too much for her post-op - is good. Things won't self improve.

What if your Dad punches her post-op and undoes the repair or makes it irreparably worse. Also, while she is in the hospital and you are at work- you can't leave your son alone to try to handle your Dad who may really ramp up when he can't find his wife .

Please consider calling the Alz assoc hotline for advise and support. They give crisis advise. Sadly, that is where you all are. I'm sorry.

"The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."

harshedbuzz · January 6

@lala7483

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place. There's a lot to unpack in this situation.

First and foremost is priorities. Yours is your son. Full stop. IMO, he should not be exposed to your dad's verbal aggression. The physical grabbing is risky in a lot of ways. Aside from your dad causing an injury, his behavior could put your custody of your son at risk. A teacher, school nurse or his other parent could trigger a CPS action. It's not a risk I would take. Your parents' home doesn't sound like an appropriate place to raise your son at the moment.

Second is your mom. I can appreciate that caring for a PWD requires a team, but I have to question the mental clarity that has gone into her inertia around getting help for your dad. Could she also be having a cognitive shift? "Not there yet?" She's making dangerous choices in not proactively addressing his behavior with professionals. Maybe she shouldn't be the decision-maker in this scenario.

PWD can be dangerous. This incident happened locally about a year ago.

https://people.com/pa-man-84-accused-of-killing-wife-argument-over-veterinary-bill-8408378

I agree with the others that this is cause for ambulance transport to the ED and a geripsych admission for medication management.

Does you mom have a plan for his care while she recovers from her surgery. A placement might be the best route to give her the best chance at a full recovery.

HB

mabelgirl · January 6

prayers for strength and wisdom for you to do what must be done for the safety and health of the entire family. 🙏🏼

My Dad has gotten aggressive and totally opposite of how he used to be

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