When to move?

I’m sorry you are having to make such a big decision. My husband was placed a few weeks ago and I need to move also. It’s all so overwhelming and any change in his world causes massive confusion and agitation. I would image if my husband was at home, a move would not be possible without him declining. Everyone is different. Right now, unless I’m 100% certain of anything, I do nothing. Stillness is my friend. No move for me yet. Much love to you in these trying times.

My mom moved in with me when she was in very early stages. We did it then so she could adjust more easily. It did not cause a decline and she did well.

Everyone reacts differently. Hopefully, if you move, it will go smoothly for you. Also, there can be temporary setbacks. When there's a change, there may be a decline and then the individual can return to baseline. There really is no way to know.

I am 13 years younger than my DH. I love my home and the less populated area we live in. My DH has always loved this place as well. I have made the decision that we will stay put. There may come a time I need to place him, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. He will and is progressing. But I need to think of myself as well and where I will want to live. My point in a round about way, is each decision we make is our own. All of us have individual needs and ideas of how we proceed in life with this disease. Whatever decision you do make, please include yourself in the decision making.

My thought process was similar to @trottingalong. We downsized into a townhome where I knew I would be happy and it is suitable for him to age (and decline) in place for a while. He’s aware he has Alzheimer’s and actually suggested back when we bought it that the house should be in my name only. This gave him (and me!) comfort that I have a home of my own and will not have to worry about moving regardless of what may have to transpire down the road with his care.

My advice is to find the place you want to be in stage 8 and move there.

That said, I would address his baseline anxiety by discussing medication with his doctor. This is often treated with a low dose SSRI.

FWIW, my dad was the PWD and mom deferred to his preferences which was to avoid a diagnosis and me. He sensed I recognized his increasing incapacity and knew I would take steps to take away his independence. He wasn't wrong.

By the time things went completely sideways, dad was too impaired to participate meaningfully in any decisions made and mom was too busy as a caregiver to manage the logistics or execute the actual moves. Plural, because the initial move was made under emergency circumstances with little input from either. Their moves were complicated by them having 2 homes quite a distance from me.

I moved them into a 55+ active adult apartment complex which they hated— it was lovely, but they missed the room, views and outdoor space their other homes which overlooked a pond /golf course. The first move was while dad was in rehab after a hospitalization. I moved enough to set up the apartment and arranged the sale of the home.

Once it sold, I was able to find a house in a 55+ active adult community that backs up to woods and a small lake which has many amenities and is walkable to shopping/dining. Dad's since died, and the house is ideal for mom as all the external maintenance is done for her by the HOA. My niece found the house, mom and I toured it, it was titled in mom's name only on the advice of her CELA. She did go through the theater of having dad tour the house with his brother raving about it which made him feel as though he'd made the decision which helped with his acceptance of the move.

I put them up in hotel for the weekend and oversaw the move again. Then I arranged to rent the FL house for the winter season while it was up for sale. I sold that one turnkey, so moving the stuff was a mere PODS container and shipping a car. We never told him we sold the second place.

The window on moving is going to close soon. TBH, we moved dad fairly late in the game. He'd already split his year between MD and FL; perhaps he was more used to moves than most. He didn't seem to progress as a consequence of the moves and overtime became confused enough that he thought he was in FL rather than PA.

HB

I moved 2 years ago to another state to live closer to my daughter and am glad I did. He was in middle stage of alzheimers and had some time to get adjusted to the new house before it was too late for him to handle it. The last thing I wanted was to move from our home for 20 years but as in all things this illness controls all and we do what we got to do. Use your best judgement since you have it on your mind now you know that is something that you probably need to do. I did not ask him what he wanted I make the decisions now he is not capable of it.

Any talk of finding a smaller house which would be easier to manage for me is met with rage and a bunch of excuses. When I counter that with, "ok, if we stay here in this giant run-down old house with a giant yard, I will do some small remodeling," I get dumb reasons why we can't do any maintenance or upgrade our surroundings. He just can't do anything that might make me happier about staying here.

I'm feeling like I'll have to do it all after he is no longer able to participate. His doctor gave him two years of being able to handle a move and be aware enough to understand it. The docs say he is in Stage One but with probable mixed dementia, ALZ, alcohol & vascular. I feel like he's failing fast.

I just wrote a long post but lost it and don't have the energy to do it again. Anyway…same here…it is a nightmare and I have just about given up on the idea.

In our case, we waited too long. DH was averse to moving and by the time I could make the decision for him, it would have been too hard on him. DH went to MC last January and that is when I downsized. It wasn't easy but with a lot of help from family and friends and by the grace of God it got done. As I look back, I see that staying in our big old house until he went to MC was the right decision for us.

With kindness, why are you deferring to him? He isn't capable of researching, remembering and making sound decisions at this point. Just seeing and hearing about the options can , well, wig a PWD out.

Remodeling is very stressful- noises, strangers in the house , tools laying around , open doors. If you have seen places that would work better - would make more sense to quick remodel that into what would work then sell the old place.

Sounds like you'd have to do all the house hunting and decision making by yourself. Legal documents in place to handle the transactions without him?