When to move?
Comments
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I’m sorry you are having to make such a big decision. My husband was placed a few weeks ago and I need to move also. It’s all so overwhelming and any change in his world causes massive confusion and agitation. I would image if my husband was at home, a move would not be possible without him declining. Everyone is different. Right now, unless I’m 100% certain of anything, I do nothing. Stillness is my friend. No move for me yet. Much love to you in these trying times.
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Welcome to the forum Sally. I say do what you need to do with your own future in mind. He is going to decline, regardless, and whatever makes it easier on you. We didn't downsize when we should have -long and complicated story, and I regret it. Now I'm stuck with a large farm to manage that for tax reasons can't be sold until she dies, and it's almost overwhelming. Your moving is not going to hasten his deterioration, you may be better off doing it sooner rather than later. However, the majority of the packing and cleaning up may need to be done after you relocate, rather than before, to minimize the disruption to him.
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My mom moved in with me when she was in very early stages. We did it then so she could adjust more easily. It did not cause a decline and she did well.
Everyone reacts differently. Hopefully, if you move, it will go smoothly for you. Also, there can be temporary setbacks. When there's a change, there may be a decline and then the individual can return to baseline. There really is no way to know.
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Sorry you have to make these decisions on your own. We moved to FL and drove with a dog and cat in the car. We did not care for the heat and moved back to Ohio after 1 1/2 years. Then we moved for the last time into a retirement community. This all started 5 years after his diagnosis of Alz. I must say, I don’t think he declined any more than he would have without all the moving. It was so much work for me, but he just went with the flow and was fine. We are at year 10 now, and he does ask me occasionally if we are moving again. When I tell him “no” he says, “Good.”
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I am 13 years younger than my DH. I love my home and the less populated area we live in. My DH has always loved this place as well. I have made the decision that we will stay put. There may come a time I need to place him, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. He will and is progressing. But I need to think of myself as well and where I will want to live. My point in a round about way, is each decision we make is our own. All of us have individual needs and ideas of how we proceed in life with this disease. Whatever decision you do make, please include yourself in the decision making.
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I agree that you have to make the choice that works best for you. Also, if you decide to move, prepare yourself for having to do all of the work by yourself. My DW, a major helper in things all her life, sat there in utter overwhelm, apathy and depression from her dementia and I had to pack the entire house and arrange every, single thing. It was not an easy move on that front. Good luck!
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My thought process was similar to @trottingalong. We downsized into a townhome where I knew I would be happy and it is suitable for him to age (and decline) in place for a while. He’s aware he has Alzheimer’s and actually suggested back when we bought it that the house should be in my name only. This gave him (and me!) comfort that I have a home of my own and will not have to worry about moving regardless of what may have to transpire down the road with his care.
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I too downsized 6 years ago. I actually made the decision to move based on what I felt I needed for my future without him. We downsized from a very large home with a huge front and back yard into a much smaller home with min. maintenance. He was unable to really assist in the move or purchase of the new home. I did the packing , unpacking and made arrangements for the move on my own. It was work for sure.
DH adjusted to the new home and now doesn't even remember living any place else. I am glad we moved when we did. I am enjoying not having a hugh house to clean, cool and heat. Yard work is fun now and is just watering a few plants and planting flowers during the different seasons.
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as others have said, do what is best for you. Caring for your LO consumes much of your time and energy. The less house and yard work the better. We moved into a one bedroom apartment, ground floor. Even cleaning that alone at times was exhausting while caring for my DH.
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PS: the sooner the better.
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My advice is to find the place you want to be in stage 8 and move there.
That said, I would address his baseline anxiety by discussing medication with his doctor. This is often treated with a low dose SSRI.
FWIW, my dad was the PWD and mom deferred to his preferences which was to avoid a diagnosis and me. He sensed I recognized his increasing incapacity and knew I would take steps to take away his independence. He wasn't wrong.
By the time things went completely sideways, dad was too impaired to participate meaningfully in any decisions made and mom was too busy as a caregiver to manage the logistics or execute the actual moves. Plural, because the initial move was made under emergency circumstances with little input from either. Their moves were complicated by them having 2 homes quite a distance from me.
I moved them into a 55+ active adult apartment complex which they hated— it was lovely, but they missed the room, views and outdoor space their other homes which overlooked a pond /golf course. The first move was while dad was in rehab after a hospitalization. I moved enough to set up the apartment and arranged the sale of the home.
Once it sold, I was able to find a house in a 55+ active adult community that backs up to woods and a small lake which has many amenities and is walkable to shopping/dining. Dad's since died, and the house is ideal for mom as all the external maintenance is done for her by the HOA. My niece found the house, mom and I toured it, it was titled in mom's name only on the advice of her CELA. She did go through the theater of having dad tour the house with his brother raving about it which made him feel as though he'd made the decision which helped with his acceptance of the move.
I put them up in hotel for the weekend and oversaw the move again. Then I arranged to rent the FL house for the winter season while it was up for sale. I sold that one turnkey, so moving the stuff was a mere PODS container and shipping a car. We never told him we sold the second place.
The window on moving is going to close soon. TBH, we moved dad fairly late in the game. He'd already split his year between MD and FL; perhaps he was more used to moves than most. He didn't seem to progress as a consequence of the moves and overtime became confused enough that he thought he was in FL rather than PA.
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Yes, you must do what is best for you. We moved 3 years ago after being on this journey for 7 years at that point. But, for my continuing ability to care for DH and a handicapped son for whom I am also caregiver, we needed a smaller home all on one floor, except for a bonus room. Moving was a nightmare as all DH could do was to pack his own clothes, books, and "important papers" which actually needed tossing! It was exhausting but I am so thankful we did it. There was a "learning curve" for him to get settled but he has actually said several times how glad he is that we moved. Everyone must make their own decisions about these major changes but I do believe the caregiver's needs should take precedence. As the flight attendants say, "Put your oxygen mask on first."
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We moved five months ago from our hometown of 72 years. DH has ALZ with mild/moderate impairment. We made the move to be a five minute walk from our daughter and son in law. The main reason to move was being near family to share the caregiving journey we are on. We do have deep homesickness, difficulty finding new doctors, mourn the loss of friends, mourn the loss of the familiar routine we had with the many acquaintances at favorite restaurants and shops we frequented.
All the logistics of the move were on me alone. Buying and selling of the houses are always stressful and more so because I made all decisions alone. Cleaning out and packing up our life was all my job alone.
Suggestions if you move:Expect you will tired, very tired during the process.
Give yourself as much time as possible for each step.
Consider a storage container move. It worked like a charm for us.
Keep your expectations realistic. Moving does not change your situation as to this cruel disease.
Expect at least some temporary decompensation in your loved one.
Expect that you may never be certain moving was the right thing!
I wish you all the best!
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Thank you all for the advice. It's so good to have people who "listen" and can comment from experience.
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I moved 2 years ago to another state to live closer to my daughter and am glad I did. He was in middle stage of alzheimers and had some time to get adjusted to the new house before it was too late for him to handle it. The last thing I wanted was to move from our home for 20 years but as in all things this illness controls all and we do what we got to do. Use your best judgement since you have it on your mind now you know that is something that you probably need to do. I did not ask him what he wanted I make the decisions now he is not capable of it.
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Yes that burden was all on me too. Packing and selling the house and purchasing a new one. I am so glad that is in the rear view mirror now. WIth my husband progression in the last two years since we moved it would of been too much to handle
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Any talk of finding a smaller house which would be easier to manage for me is met with rage and a bunch of excuses. When I counter that with, "ok, if we stay here in this giant run-down old house with a giant yard, I will do some small remodeling," I get dumb reasons why we can't do any maintenance or upgrade our surroundings. He just can't do anything that might make me happier about staying here.
I'm feeling like I'll have to do it all after he is no longer able to participate. His doctor gave him two years of being able to handle a move and be aware enough to understand it. The docs say he is in Stage One but with probable mixed dementia, ALZ, alcohol & vascular. I feel like he's failing fast.
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I'm in the same boat. Would love to have some answers.
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I just wrote a long post but lost it and don't have the energy to do it again. Anyway…same here…it is a nightmare and I have just about given up on the idea.
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I started this chat and want to report on what I've decided—-for now. I have entirely given up on the "smaller home" move. That was my thought that we'd live someplace easier to manage and safer (no stairs). But I've concluded that kind of move is beyond me and will be too tough for my husband. He is NOT, however, totally averse to moving together to an assisted living community. So we are beginning to visit them together.
That has given us some information—and "in person" experience with our next options. And I'm collecting $ information: what does it cost to stay in place? VS cost of AL?
And I learned that some of these places offer help with moving and selling your home. Checking with your local AGING services may help you make connections you need. My guess is that we all have neighbors who have made such moves, or who have had parents in such places. Talk to them.
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In our case, we waited too long. DH was averse to moving and by the time I could make the decision for him, it would have been too hard on him. DH went to MC last January and that is when I downsized. It wasn't easy but with a lot of help from family and friends and by the grace of God it got done. As I look back, I see that staying in our big old house until he went to MC was the right decision for us.
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I have been trying to find a house that is closer to town for over a year…we live in a rural area & I try to do most of the driving now & it is wearing me down. HWD has pressured me every day to find a house, but squirrels every one that I find by insisting that it is worth at least 200K less than the list price. He had a huge meltdown last night over nothing & has decided that he doesn't want me doing anything for him anymore…he is incapable of handling his finances, taxes, operating the computer unless I help him, tv remotes, drs appts, medications, cooking, etc., etc…and he will do nothing for me (not much of a loss there!). Now he has decided that even though he hates it, he wants to stay put because it is too complicated to move. I agree and will quit looking for a new house and just do some remodeling (which he will resist). I have thought all along that the amount of work and expense of moving would not be worth it…all of our problems would still exist and surely will get worse no matter where we live. I can handle everything by myself…financially and home/car maintenance , etc. Hopefully he won't change his mind in a few days (very likely) because this seems like the best solution for us at this time.
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With kindness, why are you deferring to him? He isn't capable of researching, remembering and making sound decisions at this point. Just seeing and hearing about the options can , well, wig a PWD out.
Remodeling is very stressful- noises, strangers in the house , tools laying around , open doors. If you have seen places that would work better - would make more sense to quick remodel that into what would work then sell the old place.
Sounds like you'd have to do all the house hunting and decision making by yourself. Legal documents in place to handle the transactions without him?
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Victoria, Good suggestions. You are right that he is not able to make sound decisions and should not be playing a role in any real estate or other transaction. He is a control freak and is having a very hard time letting go of that position…his anger and acting out have worn me out so I have a tendency to just placate him. His go to phrase is…"I don't need you telling me what to do!". I have always bought our houses…as in paid for them…because I felt the need for the security of having a place of my own. We have separate money and that is not an issue. Previously I have always put his name on the title to avoid complications if I were to die (we have no children or other heirs), but my elder atty has advised me to title any new property in my name only because I would file for spousal refusal if he should ever go to a medicaid funded nursing home…not likely because he has the funds to self pay for AL or MC facility for quite awhile. I do have DPOA for him and atty is in the process of removing him as my agent on mine. Actually, I think I'm just too tired to deal with buying a new house, moving (which I would have to do mostly on my own) and selling the house we're in. He is a hoarder so it would be a real ordeal…ugh…
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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