When to move?

Sallymander

My husband was diagnosed with MCI a year ago and is declining. We had planned to downsize, but now I'm wondering if that would be too disorienting for him. He already carries a lot of anxiety before this diagnosis, and I worry that a move will accelerate his condition. On the other hand, it really is time to get out of this house--too much to take care of. He might consider a move to a retirement home, but I think it must have memory care and the ones near us (where I can stay connected to our friends and family) are huge institutions. I'm so NOT ready for that...

Lkrielow99

I’m sorry you are having to make such a big decision. My husband was placed a few weeks ago and I need to move also. It’s all so overwhelming and any change in his world causes massive confusion and agitation. I would image if my husband was at home, a move would not be possible without him declining. Everyone is different. Right now, unless I’m 100% certain of anything, I do nothing. Stillness is my friend. No move for me yet. Much love to you in these trying times.

M1

Welcome to the forum Sally. I say do what you need to do with your own future in mind. He is going to decline, regardless, and whatever makes it easier on you. We didn't downsize when we should have -long and complicated story, and I regret it. Now I'm stuck with a large farm to manage that for tax reasons can't be sold until she dies, and it's almost overwhelming. Your moving is not going to hasten his deterioration, you may be better off doing it sooner rather than later. However, the majority of the packing and cleaning up may need to be done after you relocate, rather than before, to minimize the disruption to him.

​fesk

My mom moved in with me when she was in very early stages. We did it then so she could adjust more easily. It did not cause a decline and she did well.

Everyone reacts differently. Hopefully, if you move, it will go smoothly for you. Also, there can be temporary setbacks. When there's a change, there may be a decline and then the individual can return to baseline. There really is no way to know.

jsps139_

Sorry you have to make these decisions on your own. We moved to FL and drove with a dog and cat in the car. We did not care for the heat and moved back to Ohio after 1 1/2 years. Then we moved for the last time into a retirement community. This all started 5 years after his diagnosis of Alz. I must say, I don’t think he declined any more than he would have without all the moving. It was so much work for me, but he just went with the flow and was fine. We are at year 10 now, and he does ask me occasionally if we are moving again. When I tell him “no” he says, “Good.”

trottingalong

I am 13 years younger than my DH. I love my home and the less populated area we live in. My DH has always loved this place as well. I have made the decision that we will stay put. There may come a time I need to place him, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. He will and is progressing. But I need to think of myself as well and where I will want to live. My point in a round about way, is each decision we make is our own. All of us have individual needs and ideas of how we proceed in life with this disease. Whatever decision you do make, please include yourself in the decision making.

CindyBum

I agree that you have to make the choice that works best for you. Also, if you decide to move, prepare yourself for having to do all of the work by yourself. My DW, a major helper in things all her life, sat there in utter overwhelm, apathy and depression from her dementia and I had to pack the entire house and arrange every, single thing. It was not an easy move on that front. Good luck!

CampCarol

My thought process was similar to @trottingalong. We downsized into a townhome where I knew I would be happy and it is suitable for him to age (and decline) in place for a while. He’s aware he has Alzheimer’s and actually suggested back when we bought it that the house should be in my name only. This gave him (and me!) comfort that I have a home of my own and will not have to worry about moving regardless of what may have to transpire down the road with his care.

marier

I too downsized 6 years ago. I actually made the decision to move based on what I felt I needed for my future without him. We downsized from a very large home with a huge front and back yard into a much smaller home with min. maintenance. He was unable to really assist in the move or purchase of the new home. I did the packing , unpacking and made arrangements for the move on my own. It was work for sure.

DH adjusted to the new home and now doesn't even remember living any place else. I am glad we moved when we did. I am enjoying not having a hugh house to clean, cool and heat. Yard work is fun now and is just watering a few plants and planting flowers during the different seasons.

SDianeL

as others have said, do what is best for you. Caring for your LO consumes much of your time and energy. The less house and yard work the better. We moved into a one bedroom apartment, ground floor. Even cleaning that alone at times was exhausting while caring for my DH.

SDianeL

PS: the sooner the better.

harshedbuzz

My advice is to find the place you want to be in stage 8 and move there.

That said, I would address his baseline anxiety by discussing medication with his doctor. This is often treated with a low dose SSRI.

FWIW, my dad was the PWD and mom deferred to his preferences which was to avoid a diagnosis and me. He sensed I recognized his increasing incapacity and knew I would take steps to take away his independence. He wasn't wrong.

By the time things went completely sideways, dad was too impaired to participate meaningfully in any decisions made and mom was too busy as a caregiver to manage the logistics or execute the actual moves. Plural, because the initial move was made under emergency circumstances with little input from either. Their moves were complicated by them having 2 homes quite a distance from me.

I moved them into a 55+ active adult apartment complex which they hated— it was lovely, but they missed the room, views and outdoor space their other homes which overlooked a pond /golf course. The first move was while dad was in rehab after a hospitalization. I moved enough to set up the apartment and arranged the sale of the home.

Once it sold, I was able to find a house in a 55+ active adult community that backs up to woods and a small lake which has many amenities and is walkable to shopping/dining. Dad's since died, and the house is ideal for mom as all the external maintenance is done for her by the HOA. My niece found the house, mom and I toured it, it was titled in mom's name only on the advice of her CELA. She did go through the theater of having dad tour the house with his brother raving about it which made him feel as though he'd made the decision which helped with his acceptance of the move.

I put them up in hotel for the weekend and oversaw the move again. Then I arranged to rent the FL house for the winter season while it was up for sale. I sold that one turnkey, so moving the stuff was a mere PODS container and shipping a car. We never told him we sold the second place.

The window on moving is going to close soon. TBH, we moved dad fairly late in the game. He'd already split his year between MD and FL; perhaps he was more used to moves than most. He didn't seem to progress as a consequence of the moves and overtime became confused enough that he thought he was in FL rather than PA.

HB

RayeMc

Yes, you must do what is best for you. We moved 3 years ago after being on this journey for 7 years at that point. But, for my continuing ability to care for DH and a handicapped son for whom I am also caregiver, we needed a smaller home all on one floor, except for a bonus room. Moving was a nightmare as all DH could do was to pack his own clothes, books, and "important papers" which actually needed tossing! It was exhausting but I am so thankful we did it. There was a "learning curve" for him to get settled but he has actually said several times how glad he is that we moved. Everyone must make their own decisions about these major changes but I do believe the caregiver's needs should take precedence. As the flight attendants say, "Put your oxygen mask on first."

WIGO23

We moved five months ago from our hometown of 72 years. DH has ALZ with mild/moderate impairment. We made the move to be a five minute walk from our daughter and son in law. The main reason to move was being near family to share the caregiving journey we are on. We do have deep homesickness, difficulty finding new doctors, mourn the loss of friends, mourn the loss of the familiar routine we had with the many acquaintances at favorite restaurants and shops we frequented.

All the logistics of the move were on me alone. Buying and selling of the houses are always stressful and more so because I made all decisions alone. Cleaning out and packing up our life was all my job alone.

Suggestions if you move:

Expect you will tired, very tired during the process.

Give yourself as much time as possible for each step.

Consider a storage container move. It worked like a charm for us.

Keep your expectations realistic. Moving does not change your situation as to this cruel disease.

Expect at least some temporary decompensation in your loved one.

Expect that you may never be certain moving was the right thing!

I wish you all the best!

Sallymander

Thank you all for the advice. It's so good to have people who "listen" and can comment from experience.

sherryandwilliam

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70910/when-to-move

I moved 2 years ago to another state to live closer to my daughter and am glad I did. He was in middle stage of alzheimers and had some time to get adjusted to the new house before it was too late for him to handle it. The last thing I wanted was to move from our home for 20 years but as in all things this illness controls all and we do what we got to do. Use your best judgement since you have it on your mind now you know that is something that you probably need to do. I did not ask him what he wanted I make the decisions now he is not capable of it.

sherryandwilliam

Yes that burden was all on me too. Packing and selling the house and purchasing a new one. I am so glad that is in the rear view mirror now. WIth my husband progression in the last two years since we moved it would of been too much to handle