A Reluctant Caregiver for Both My Parents for Nine Years

I’m sorry the Admin has made this decision. I enjoyed your posts and comments. Many times the Message was exactly what I needed to hear that day. I will miss your voice ❤️

I could use a prayer or two... or maybe a hundred. Let me give you a little background. I am going to be transparent here about my situation out of necessity because (1) I need to get all this off my chest as I've been carrying a heavy load and (2) I am likely to receive more personable and helpful commentary that applies to my specific situation. So here goes: I have been a caregiver to my mother for 6 years now on my own even though I have a brother 9 years older who lives in the same city but has little to do with helping me out. My mom is turning 81 years old this summer, and her progression of dementia, which has been diagnosed as vascular, has been a slow one thanks to her medications that she has been taking for it. However, the last few months I've noticed her start to rapidly decline, and it is scaring the heck out of me. I am so stressed out that sometimes I wonder how much longer my body can handle this. My grandmother, her mother, had end stage Alzheimer's (severe) to the point that she could no longer communicate with any one of us. In fact, the last year or two I don't believe she said two words because she was robbed of her ability to articulate. My parents had her come live with us for what ended up being 10 years after my grandfather passed away. My brother was not around then as he was already married and had started a family of his own. In a way I'm glad he wasn't around much because the very few times he was he acted like my grandmother was an alien from another planet (sorry for the lack of a better term), and he didn't know how to respond to her which just irritated me even more. I even knew then, in my 20s, that you go along with their reality (as long as it's not hurting anyone) and not your own. Don't make them feel like they're any different. Just love them - and then love them even harder. But that's beside the point now. She's been gone since 2007, and my mom was diagnosed in 2018 which was 3 years after my dad passed away. I've been down a tough road in life which taught me strength and resilience (hopefully), and fortunately for everyone (but myself) and most especially for my brother, I wasn't able to have my own children and was widowed at the age of 23. I am currently in a tough relationship that I'm trying to leave because I don't need the added stress. My mom is my focus right now, and I cannot allow anything else to possibly keep me from being able to care for her as I made a promise to my dad before he passed that I would. He trusted me most to keep my word and obviously knew my brother better than I did at that time. So as I already stated, I'm 50 and alone with worries like you wouldn't believe. I worry about genetics. I worry about the fact that I used to have, how should I say this, extra-curricular activities that weren't so friendly to my body and most especially my brain. In February of 2024, I had a complete cervical laminectomy in which my vertebra were replaced with rods and screws along my entire neck. The discs were crumbling and compressing my spinal cord which was threatening my ability to move. Then in November of the same year, just 9 months after that major surgery, I had to have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in my lower back for my spine that is badly deteriorated to help alleviate some of the pain I have with movement. Without it I can hardly do anything, but nothing is 100% either. Therefore, I still have pain, but it's more tolerable. I am one of the fortunate ones that the stimulator helps with the pain. Praise God. I have very debilitating degenerative disc disease along with several other diagnoses. Not caused by age because I was first diagnosed in my twenties. I can't help but wonder to myself if my body was damaged because of those activities I mentioned before, and if so I can only wonder how my brain might have been affected also. I did graduate university with honors after the fact, but now that I'm going through middle age (I'm sure you understand what I'm about to say), but I have moments where I can't think clearly, and it scares the crud out of me. I find myself crying a lot of the time because I am so scared of so many things right now. Like I was saying I can't see into the future because all I see is darkness. I don't see anything. Literally. I can't imagine there's anything left for me in life after this. I'm afraid of growing old, yet I'm afraid to die. I'm terrified of having dementia and, God forbid, Alzheimer's since they run in my family because I don't know who would care for me. I've been taking care of my mom without anyone's help and putting off my own need for a life outside of caretaking. I can't help but feel like I'm getting old myself very quickly and that life is passing me by. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade caring for my mother for anything else, but it would certainly help out a lot if I had a brother in all meaning of the word. All the stress is overwhelming, and I think I'm on the verge (if I'm not already there) of burnout. I've tried finding resources in my city, but there are not many. I know there's got to be more somewhere out there. When my grandmother was alive, she had all kinds of resources and my mother had mine and my dad's help taking care of her. Here I am, and it's just me doing it alone... Literally. I have had to educate myself over the last 6 years about social security, Medicare, legal matters like POAs, advanced directives, trusts, wills, etc. because it's like this just fell into my lap overnight. I've grown as a person so much in that time through experiencing all of this. I know this is a long post, but I thank whomever managed to read this far. I'm also hoping others out there can tell me some things I need to hear right now. I'm really needing some support right now. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and God Bless.