Have any questions about how to use the community? Check out the Help Discussion.

I’m burned out and don’t know what to do

bjm136
bjm136 Member Posts: 3
5 Care Reactions First Comment
Member
in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

my DH has undiagnosed dementia and steadfastly refuses to see his doctor. This has been going on for more than three years. DH is 75 years old and is healthy except for his memory problems. My son comes over three nights a week to support me but he works full time so I’m pretty much on my own. I can’t hire a caregiver because he won’t tolerate someone he doesn’t know being in the house. He has a sister but she won’t come see him. I’ve done pretty well but I am feeling completely stressed out today. My car died in early July and is too expensive to repair (the repairs would cost way more than the car’s value). Multiple times a day he asks me when I’m getting my car back. Just now he demanded that I call to find out when I’m getting the car back. There is no one to call. I guess I just need someone to say they understand. How do you deal with answering the same question over and over again and DH getting mad when they don’t like the answer? I try to be patient but mostly I just want to cry. Thanks for letting me vent.

Tagged:

Comments

  • charley0419
    charley0419 Member Posts: 492
    250 Care Reactions 100 Likes 100 Comments Second Anniversary
    Member

    I feel your pain, need to redirect only thing that works.

  • bjm136
    bjm136 Member Posts: 3
    5 Care Reactions First Comment
    Member

    thank you charley0419. I’ll try that.

  • tonyac2
    tonyac2 Member Posts: 68
    100 Care Reactions 25 Insightfuls Reactions 25 Likes 10 Comments
    Member

    My DH responds pretty quickly to food/snacks. I have it in hand when I suggest it so he can see it. Ups the chances that he’ll redirect and accept it. The repeated questions are draining and difficult to ignore.

  • marier
    marier Member Posts: 113
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Care Reactions 25 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this tough situation. Do you think your husband would go with you to see"your dr" ? Or see "your specialist"? I would give the dr the "heads up" the situation. Just a thought.

  • Anna2022
    Anna2022 Member Posts: 233
    100 Likes 100 Care Reactions 100 Comments Second Anniversary
    Member
    edited July 29

    My DH went thru the phase of asking the same question over and over. This happened early on in the journey when I didn't know how to handle things well. If I got annoyed, he got even more annoyed and frustrated. I eventually learned to answer the question as simply as possible and then change the subject. It worked most of the time but I still had to answer the questions several times. This annoying phase slowly stopped after a year of it but he occasionally lapses back into the repetitive questioning when he is anxious about a particular subject…. Hang in there! We understand! Also, it took 2 years to get him to a specialist for an evaluation…. I talked to his PCP privately about his symptoms and eventually she saw a few things herself (I would be in the room during his PCP visits but said nothing during) and she started encouraging him to attend the evaluation. He forgot what the PCP said immediately but eventually he finally agreed to an evaluation. It took time, patience and a lot of conversations that sometimes were not calm. Good luck!

  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 249
    100 Care Reactions 100 Comments 25 Insightfuls Reactions 25 Likes
    Member

    Is it possible to do a video visit with the dr?

  • Dio
    Dio Member Posts: 849
    250 Likes 250 Care Reactions 500 Comments Third Anniversary
    Member

    I feel your pain. I've been there. The only thing that will help is to get the right medication(s) to treat his behaviors. Sometimes, these phases will pass only to be replaced with another unbearable scenario. A video visit may not be a bad idea. Perhaps, the doctor will see how your DH is behaving and can help with meds.

  • Eloise0304
    Eloise0304 Member Posts: 76
    25 Care Reactions 10 Comments 5 Likes
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73621/i-m-burned-out-and-don-t-know-what-to-do

    I get it Can u leave And not feel guilty?

  • bjm136
    bjm136 Member Posts: 3
    5 Care Reactions First Comment
    Member

    thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It means so much to me to know there are people everywhere who care.

    I tried to have a video call with our estate attorney recently. My DH pretended he was asleep. I had not thought of taking him with me to see my PCP. That’s something I will look into.

  • Ouimette
    Ouimette Member Posts: 2
    First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73621/i-m-burned-out-and-don-t-know-what-to-do

    I am in the same boat. It is very frustrating, and I don't always handle it well. I feel alone and not equipped to deal with it. Sometimes I just need to vent but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I feel your pain and I pray for you.

  • Mitsu2
    Mitsu2 Member Posts: 10
    5 Insightfuls Reactions 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249177#Comment_249177

    Since my DH won't go to most medical appointments, I often have suggestions to try video. I've had similar experiences with video calls and appointments. DH will either disconnect or leave the room, but then he listens and gets angry and agitated if I talk about any of his symptoms or behaviors. He also gets paranoid and thinks it's some kind of spying device.

    His PCP won't prescribe and refers him to neurology and psychiatry, but he refuses to go. I'm not sure if medication would help, but so far I haven't figured out how to even try.

    I knew the course of this illness would be hard, but what I underestimated was how much control over treatment options and our daily life he would continue to have despite his very impaired judgment and perceptions. He definitely dictates the agenda and as the caregiver, I feel like I'm just here to take care of everything, de-escalate, and try to calm him down when he gets agitated. I think it's only a matter of time before I'll need to call 911.

  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 249
    100 Care Reactions 100 Comments 25 Insightfuls Reactions 25 Likes
    Member

    I understand the feeling of just being where your at. My DH has the control of what meds he'll take, what procedures he'll have done and so on. All I can do is keep him from getting stressed and try to get him to eat. He is probably at stage 4.

  • Appletree4
    Appletree4 Member Posts: 3
    First Comment
    Member

    Hi,

    My DH is good in the morning but Dr Jeycle & Mr Hide I the PM.

    He is engineer always looking .

    Very hungry.

    As for repetitive question I try to re direct .

    He was diagnosed in 2022.

    Bu has been struggling for the last 12 years

  • Appletree4
    Appletree4 Member Posts: 3
    First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250315#Comment_250315

    try to stay calm.

    Right hand your loving husband . Now the left hand this ugly disease.

    What I do his crush his meds and put in smoothie . Doctors stated very creative

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

Community Guidelines


Click here to review the ALZConnected Community Guidelines

Categories