Mom lives in Independent Living Fac, needs to move to AL, hard 'No!'

I am new to this forum. I have found many discussions relevant to my situation. I received a lot of good information from these discussions, but I figured I'd post my question on the off chance some more information may come to light.

I currently care for my Mother with the help of my wife. My mom moved from out of state to live closer to me and my family 4 years ago when she was 79. When she moved here we noticed some minor cognitive issues, but nothing that kept her from her daily routines. We moved her into an Independent Living Facility several miles from our house. She has other medical issues like Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, high cholesterol, rheumatoid arthritis and problems walking from foot reconstructions. She was managing her meds and day to day life 4 years ago. I took over her medical schedule and we take her to all of her doctors appointments. I also would make sure her prescriptions would get filled. Not long after her move, she made me the trustee of her accounts, etc.

Fast forward to last year, she started having issues with her medications. We'd notice she wasn't taking them correctly. So I "took over" her medications by packaging them up in daily pods for an entire month. This worked for a while, but then she'd start taking two days or she'd skip a day. Eventually this led to several hospitalizations because she'd have fluid on her lungs from not being consistent when her meds. So I then started managing her medications on daily basis. Essentially I'd visit her daily and make sure she would take her meds correctly.

Finally this Feb things came to a head because she started having panic attacks complaining "I can't breathe". When they started we'd call an ambulance. But after a couple trips we realized that the panic attacks could be managed by just talking to her and having her take deep breaths. These panic attacks would be intermingled with what I would call dementia attacks. Where mom would just be meaner. Some times she'd threaten to "jump off the balcony" or just be mad at me for no apparent reason. This went on for months, while we tried get help from her PCP, Cardiologist and Pulmonologist. We'd spend the night with her to help her manage the panic attacks. During this time we tried to hire a caregiver and mom ended up kicking her out, because she "didn't need a baby sitter". Also during this time we started looking at ALF, because we were at our wits end. We found one and got added to a waiting list.

At last we were able to get her on some medications to help manage the anxiety and the panic attacks stopped. But all the while we noticed that her cognitive issues were getting increasingly worse.

We took her to a geriatric specialist at our local center for success in aging. She was diagnosed with late onset ALZ, stage 5. The doctor theorized that the panic attacks were a result of her not being able to handle the cognitive loss and they suggested moving her to a ALF.

Trying to convince my mom that she needs to move has proved harder than I expected. The ALF we found earlier sent some people over to give her an assessment. Mom insisted before, during and after that she does not need to move. And the more I tried to explain it, the more she resisted. She literally got up and left the room during the assessment, causing it to end.

We then arranged for a tour of the facility so mom could see it, in hopes it would help to convince her that it'd be a good place for her. Unfortunately, that just made her mad and she refuses to move. She says "She'd rather die" among many other non-viable solutions. She also says “people are sleeping in the halls there”, which they are not. So the ALF moved on to the next person on the waitlist because mom is obviously not ready.

Since the she has essentially “hunkered down". She frequently won't come out of her room. Stays in bed all day. She now wants me to give her her bank statement. Which I had stopped having this mailed to her because it'd cause other issues. She'd claim we were spending her money OR she'd lose it and claim someone snuck in and stole it.

So now she will barely speak to me unless it's to argue. She basically feels that I'm betraying her somehow by managing her finances and trying to take care of her and wanting her to move to AL. I have tried every angle I can think of to convince her that this is best, she won't budge.

I've contacted her geriatric doctor in hopes they could be of some assistance.

Sometimes it's an hourly struggle to get her to take her medicine and eat. My wife or I visit her 2 - 3 times a day in order to make sure she's good, but things just seem to be getting worse.

So for now, we're kind of stuck. We feel very strongly that she needs to be in AL, but can't see how to get there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.