Father keeps asking where my mother is...

SusanB has offered good and kind advice. What she describes is the consensus; I have pursued this question a lot, since it is a big one in my life too. I will just add that, like everything else with dementia, it all depends on the individual person.

My mother died at a young age quite a while ago. My dad, who has dementia. asks about her almost every time I see him (he asked today, in fact). He also asks about his siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts, parents, and grandparents. Of this whole crew, only one person is still living. He usually asks a yes/no question: “Is your mother still living?” If I redirect or try to draw him into a conversation about her, he answers me but comes back: “Yes, but is she still living?” I say, in a calm, matter-of-fact way, “No, she died in 1990.” He is not noticeably distressed but says something like “I was afraid of that.”

He very occasionally will tear up (maybe once in 500 times). So I have decided that in his case, he is actually trying to orient himself and his family in time, and his religious faith gives him a perspective on death that is more transitional than final. Also, his older relatives talked about death a lot; I remember that from my childhood.

Frankly, sometimes I find that going through the list of deceased relatives is harder on me than on him. I miss these people too.

This story isn’t meant as advice for your situation, only empathy and understanding. And maybe encouragement to figure out what will be of the most comfort to your father and to you. The overall goal is to be kind. What that looks like in practice is going to be different for different people.

So, so sorry about the loss of your mother—and about the necessity of your grieving while trying to help your dad live as well as he can. This is hard stuff.