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My Mother's Siblings

CoryT
CoryT Member Posts: 32
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in Caring for a Parent

I have a question, what should I do about my mother's siblings who are coming from out of state and want to spend all day at our house? I think that it's too long and offered a 3-4 hour visit yet they complain. Any thoughts?

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  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 1,234
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    Does your mom nap during the day? Maybe just tell them she naps everyday at this time. Could you blame it on the doctor. Doctor said naps are important or doctor said overstimulation is not good for her so we can’t do an all day visit. I would definitely keep an eye on how she is doing and if she becomes overwhelmed pull them aside and be kind but very blunt with them. I would say maybe they will notice how overwhelmed she is and leave, but I doubt it. It’s amazing how some people can be in the same room, have the same conversation and be completely oblivious to a loved one’s confusion and stress. My sil would drone on about her work with my mil (with dementia). She was so confused and had no idea who sil was talking about. Sil was clueless. I hope you can find a solution.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253351#Comment_253351

    Thank you so much! I'm gonna try the napping idea. Hope it works. 😁

  • JulietteBee
    JulietteBee Member Posts: 265
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    Yup, I concur with QBC. Let them come! Let them spend the day. You, take the opportunity to go get some "Me time."

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    I can't leave my mother with her out-of-state siblings. They have no idea what state she's in. She's been losing her balance several times a week. A while ago I asked our Caregiver about this and she said, "you have to be careful. Preventing her from falling is our first priority." My uncles and aunts aren't trained to watch her and are easily distracted. They are upset that they can't stay all day, but I'm setting boundaries to protect my mother's health and dignity.

  • JJ401
    JJ401 Member Posts: 375
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    edited September 13

    I would not leave her with the siblings for the day either. But, after they have been there a short while, I might pop out for a quick errand or have something in another part of the house to attend to.
    They may think they will stay all day, but my guess is that they won’t. They have a vision of their sister in their mind that no longer exists. Once reality sets in they may be quickly out the door.

  • Victoriaredux
    Victoriaredux Member Posts: 36
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    An "All day" visit - what -are they bringing a u-haul? They must know what dementia is like so what could they be planning to even talk about for an hour .

    I'd give them a window of time for a supervised visit and then point to the exits like a flight attendant . Your Mom is your patient and her care ,and your stamina are what counts.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253523#Comment_253523

    Thank you so much! I appreciate it. 😁

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    Thank you for the input. I appreciate it. The challenge is if they are going to invite even more people. Last year they asked to visit with four people, then they came with nine including two young children.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    In a month, I hope to write a post of how it went…If I survive.

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 1,234
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253547#Comment_253547

    Good grief! How can people be so clueless.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 2,295
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    I would contact them and be very blunt. Tell them how many can come and how long they can stay. Tell them your Mom’s disease is progressing and therefore she tires easily and that more than 2 visitors at a time, or visits over 2 hours overwhelm her and tire her out too much which causes her anxiety. Let them complain. Your priority is your Mom.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253555#Comment_253555

    Thank you, I appreciate the advice. My mother says that she agrees with you.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    It's amazing isn't it? Last year they came 90 minutes early so we had crazy hair and Mom was in her pajamas in the pictures. It was for her birthday.

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 2,946
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    edited September 15

    Cory - if they come early this year, just put them in a room ( living kitchen) while you continue your mom’s preparation for visitors. Shower, dress, food. They don’t get to interrupt that.

    I do think that the fact that their visit is annual ( or less) is part of the problem. They have no real understanding of your mom’s situation. Talking to them on the phone just doesn’t make it real for them. Long distance just doesn’t allow people to see the progress.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253583#Comment_253583

    QBC-Love the advice! Thank you. I should have put them in the kitchen while I got my mother ready. I agree that they don't understand her situation, but It's amazing as their mother also suffered from Alzheimer's. Thanks for the helpful advice.😁

  • SiberianIris
    SiberianIris Member Posts: 67
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    Arriving at someone's home 90 minutes early is RUDE (and so is arriving late). If they arrive early and try to play the "but we're family ha ha" card, then treat them like family and put them to work. Whatever you do, don't start stepping and fetching for them bringing them drinks and food while trying to take care of your mother at the same time. Family doesn't get waited on, only guests.

  • Victoriaredux
    Victoriaredux Member Posts: 36
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    running low on toilet paper works too……

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253595#Comment_253595

    Thanks for shinning a light on it. That's what I did. I won't make the same mistake again. Appreciate the input. 😁

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 32
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    Believe it or not, my uncle is a retired plumber, and he clogged up the toilet twice that day.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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