Guardian-family angry at my decisions

Losingmom23 · November 6

I have been a guardian for 5 years. We make very difficult decisions daily. Family members always think it is their right to tell me my decisions are wrong. I always ask prior for professional advice. My person has not asked for their wedding ring. I have been told to not give valuables to your loved one. Yet family members are literally yelling at me telling me I'm wrong. Help and suggestions

psg712 · November 6

Is this your family too? Or are you a non-related guardian? In either case, its wise not to give the PWD costly or sentimentally valuable jewelry. Too easy for it to be lost. Does the rest of the family understand how impaired the PWD is?

Sometimes you just can't win when you are the decision maker. If you were to give the wedding ring to your PWD and it was lost, guess who would be blamed? Hang in there and do what you feel is safest for your person.

Colacho10 · November 6

You are in a challenging spot. Your job as a guardian is to prevent loss and distress, and risking a valuable sentimental item is irresponsible, no matter how much family members argue.

Just don't argue with them or over-explain. Tell them that you must follow the professional advice to secure valuables to protect your person. And don't feel guilty over nothing, you are doing your job

towhee · November 6

Lost or stolen for sure. Someone on here, their spouse just threw away a Bose speaker, in the trash can and out the door. If she is asking for it, what is often done is to find several similar pieces of costume jewelry rings. If she is not asking for it do not upset the applecart. To those upset people, say how upset do you think LO would have been if that ring was lost, she had wanted her family to keep it and pass it down. What we did with all items like that was to take a picture, make an inventory list, and let everyone know what was there and generally the safe location where it was kept.

ARIL · November 7

Have courage. You are the guardian for a reason. You are exercising good judgment and taking advice from professionals with relevant expertise. You do not owe explanations to anyone, but if you wish you can state your reasons—once. Then redirect. We gain skills in redirection with our PWD. Sometimes we need to deploy those skills on other family.

My PWD lost a wedding ring within a week in MC. He has not missed it, even once. It is gone for good. If this were of significant sentimental or monetary value, it would be all the same. Gone.

Victoriaredux · November 7

You are getting professional advise that you ask and pay for and amateur advise that comes unasked and properly priced at FREE of charge. Ignore the second. If the family members get out of line - tell them you can get a second professional opinion IF they will pay for it themselves. Some people either think everything can be fixed or just use anger to avoid feeling sorrow. They selfishly don't care who they hurt with their immature behaviors.

Our PWD lost a sentimental ring in a small board and care. Everything left with a PWD - photos, letters etc should be a copy. The PWDs own mother's wedding ring was found in a safety deposit box after death-simple band - it seemed cruel to have taken it off her finger after 5 decades , but now her child lost theirs and the PWDs spouse is crushed. We should have had the courage to do what the father did long ago.

H1235 · November 7

We often say here you should never try to reason with a person with dementia. I think the same can be applied to difficult family. Some people just don’t have the ability or desire to hear another point of view. They are convinced they are right and can not be reasoned with regardless of the evidence you present them with. I have spent the last few years trying to get through to my brother. It has left me an emotional wreck. I can tell you from experience if you give in and it’s lost some how it will be your fault. You can’t win. My advice is explain your reasoning once and if they don’t like it, too bad. I know it’s not as simple as that. It’s hard to be the only one who is able to make reasonable, logical decisions ( guilt, second guessing yourself). You are doing the right thing. Your loved one should not have their wedding ring.

Losingmom23 · November 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257840#Comment_257840

Thank you. I'm burnt out. 3 phones a day. Constantly worrying about my LO. Now family has turned on me. As a Guardian no one fully understands until you walk a mile. I'm to the point I've explained it once and I'm done. Let Them have their uneducated opinion. Done.

In tears, thank you for all of your respectful responses. I'm the daughter of LO every sibling in complete denial our LO needed help. This forum is such a blessing

brain illness duo · November 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257875#Comment_257875

I wonder what it is with brothers?? I read that a lot in these forums, it seems the boys have the hardest time adjusting and want to keep everything the same as it was. My brother has spoken so horribly about me behind my back that I have people calling me to make sure I am ok. My mom is in memory care (toxic family system can't possibly function to keep her at home) and he hates every second of it.

H1235 · November 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258486#Comment_258486

The grief he causes, by second guessing me or arguing about necessary care is difficult, but what is even worse is the grief he causes mom and the damage he has done to my relationship with mom. He wants to allow her to make decisions she is simply not capable of. He tells her that I said she couldn’t do something or just lets her do things without help and she becomes overwhelmed and upset. But still somehow it is always my fault. I just hate that mom has to suffer because of his inability to see reality.

psg712 · November 15

Brothers ... I don't have brothers myself (one sister, who lives out of state and has been hugely supportive of me as mom's local caregiver) ... but my mom has her own brothers who just can't deal. They love her, but although both have had opportunity to visit, they just can't bring themselves to "see her like that." They have gone from initial denial that anything was wrong with their big sis (angry with me for uprooting her and moving her near me) to grudging acknowledgement that she needs help but not wanting to know much detail. Which I think now causes them to imagine a situation worse than it actually is. I just roll with it. I only hope they won't have regrets later that they didn't come when she could still have enjoyed the visit. But that is not in my control. I love them, but I can't make decisions on their behalf.

Guardian-family angry at my decisions

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